The Bachelorette Recap: June 6, 2011

I consider myself grateful anytime I get to spend some one-on-one time with my sister Jodi, not just because she’s an expert at buying and installing curtains, not just because she’s a fantastic baking partner when I need to make chocolate chip cookie dough cupcakes, and not just because she’s more than ready, at a moment’s notice, to shove the living room furniture aside and prance around like a limber zombie for an hour of “The Michael Jackson Experience” on my Xbox 360.

You see, Jodi also happens to be the absolute best Bachelorette viewing partner a gay brother could ever ask for.  So, I was grateful that she was visiting this past Monday to unwind on the couch with me and take in what had to be two of the most dramatic and/or hysterical and/or degrading hours of television since Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone’s empty vault live on national television.

I’ll always remember who I was with when Baby Jessica got rescued from that well she tumbled down in her backyard, and who I was with when President Obama announced that Oasma bin Laden had finally met his virgins.  And I’ll always remember that it was my sister Jodi sitting at my side when Jeff finally pulled off that idiotic mask, Ashley had her heart pummeled to dust by Bentley, Cellular Phone Salesman William sacrificed his chance at true love for a momentary shot at being a stand-up comic, and flash mobs finally proved themselves to be the dumbest thing a group of strangers can do together in a public place short of Hands Across America.

Well, there he is.  Jeff without the mask!  We can all die now.

Was it really worth the three episodes of The Bachelorette we all had to wait to see him? Jodi felt not.  ”He looks like a dark-haired male version of Ellen Degeneres!” was her instant, disappointed response.  I didn’t see the resemblance at first until she dashed up to my 52-inch screen and used her hands to cover up his face below the nose and above the forehead.  And I have to admit, after that, it was quite easy for me to get on board with her assessment.  And at least she delivered her observation with some excitement, which is more than we got from Ashley, who could only muster up a limp, “He’s a lot older than I thought he was.”

From that instant on, it was clear Jeff realized that he had clearly mis-calculated by going with this whole mystery man angle.  What was the original intention again?  Oh yeah!  He wanted Ashley to get to know the “Jeff inside.”  But all we (and presumably Ashley) learned about this guy since he popped his guarded face out of the limo that first night can be summed up on less than one hand: he’s divorced, he had a brain hemorrhage, and he adopted a dog with three legs.

That’s it.

And once the mask hit the cobblestones, the only thing Jeff seemed to be able to add to that list was a bizarrely vacant stare, an underwhelming, monotone vocal pattern, and an abundance of fodder for the rest of the bachelors who came across no more threatened by Jeff’s looks than Ashley did bowled over by them.

Jodi and I spent a few moments arguing whether this whole mask business was actually Jeff’s idea or a gimmick conjured up by the producers.  Ultimately, we decided that it didn’t matter where the mask came from – it was a misfire for all parties concerned.  Even with the addition of the sinister and mysterious organ music that flowed through my speakers whenever he came onto the scene, Jeff clearly did not possess any of the intensity or allure to pull this off.  It was tired after Segment One of Hour One of Episode One.

“Plus, that stupid mask looked like it was carved out of the side of a radial tire,” Jodi added.

Again, I can’t argue.

NEXT:  BYE BYE BENTLEY!

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Tags: ABC, Ames Brown, Anthony Santucci, Ashley Hebert, Bachelor Jeff no mask, Bachelorette, Ben Castoriano, Ben Flajnik, Bentley Williams, Blake Julian, Brad Womack, Chris Drish, Chris Harrison, Chris Malhomme, Constantine “Dino” Tzortzis, Frank Carpenter, Jeff Medolla, Jon Ellsworth, JP Rosenbaum, Lucas Daniel, Matt Colombo, Mike Burns, Nick Peterson, Rob Dahm, Ryan Miller, Ryan Park, Ryan “Mickey” McLean, Stephen D’Amico, Tim McCormack, West Lee, William “Will” Holman