Yes, I’ve often secretly fantasized about being a contestant on The Next Food Network Star.
At least I think it’s still called The Next Food Network Star. It’s possible this year Food Network has decided to have it just go by the shortened Food Network Star, though I’m still uncertain. The show titles say one thing, the commercials say another, and the the website contradicts both.
But that’s all beside the point. How I would love to be regularly put under a 45-minute time limit to come up with a “Sophistcated Breakfast,” or concoct a “Gourmet Concession Snack” to be presented at an NBA game, or make a seven-course meal using only what I find in the dumpster behind a South Central Pic-N-Save… but I think it’s most likely never to be.
Much like the themes on Frank Sinatra’s September of My Years album, my days of showing off youthful exuberance and exploitable ignorance are, hopefully, all behind me. I have nothing left to contribute to the genre of reality television but a sneering superiority and the safety of judging those younger and more easily manipulated than I behind the safety of a laptop Mac computer with a vodka martini close at hand and an obese cat semi-conscious on the knit throw at the end of my bed waiting for me to hit the pillows and give him a cozy armpit nook in which to nuzzle.
I could have been a star, if only Food Network had exploded on the scene ten years earlier. But similar to the day I realized I was too old to ever be on The Real World, I’ll have to accept the fact that I’ll most likely never be able to cook for Bobby Flay, he with his endless incredulous sneering, and the nearly immaculately-visaged Giada De Laurentiis… ah Giada, no one effortlessly tumbles out the word “ricotta” the way you do.
So I merely serve to judge. And judge I will. If I can’t be a Food Network Star, I’m gonna do my damned best to make sure no else unworthy squirms their way through either. And with that, I give you my recap of this season’s premiere episode of The Next Food Network Star… or Next Food Network Star… or Food Network Star. Whatever. Just be grateful I’m not making you read about Chopped!
CLICK BELOW FOR MORE RECAP AND MEET THE FIRST BITCH OF THE SEASON