Please understand that last week, when I mentioned that Ivy League Boy Ames sent a red flag straight up to the top of my gaydar mast, I had no idea that this week he’d be sporting pretty pink Hello Kitty boxing shorts and matching gloves during the Group Date’s Muay Thai fighting challenge.
But here we all our, once again, trying to ignore what seems to be disco dancing right into our faces.
Oh Ames… what are we to make of your performance thus far on The Bachelorette? After three weeks of doing little more than blending in with the curtains, you finally made a move last week and proved to have about as much edge as an Elmo puppet. Then, this week, you get your hot pink bell rung by Ryan, this season’s Mr. Desperate to Please, were then rushed to the ER and diagnosed with a concussion… all to win the heart of The Fair Girl Dentist… who still didn’t give you the Group Date Rose. What must Mumsy and Daddy be thinking right now… not to mention the Boys in the Harvard Owl Club?
To be fair, I certainly wouldn’t have done nearly as well as Ames did in the fighting challenge. I remember an episode of Happy Days where Ralph Malph tried to impress a girl by agreeing to a boxing match with a guy three times his size, then ended up being chased around the ring, shrieking and pleading for mercy the entire time, it made me want to find a gym for Boxing Near Me. That’s more or less what the nation would have seen if I was in the place of Ames last night… and the exact reason I’ve refused to appear as one of the hungry sex studs on The Bachelorette, despite the ongoing pleas from ABC.
And who did get the Group Date Rose? Geez I had to look it up on line to remember that it was The Boy Dentist, whose name I actually still don’t know.
The official Bachelorette website says his name is Blake, but something tells me none of us should bother trying to retain that information. Five episodes in and all we know about him is that he thinks love “is a marathon, not a sprint.” In reality-romance competition shows, that translates into “fall in love with me and I’ll provide you with a seemingly never-ending onslaught of anguish, frustration, chafing and explosive foot blisters… and at the end of it all, someone will hand you a banana.
NEXT: MORE OF THIS RECAP, PLUS IT’S ARTS AND CRAFTS TIME WITH BEN THE WINEMAKER