“He’s either a genius or a moron… I can’t figure it out,” said Donald Trump tonight of Gary Busey.
He’s got to be the only one left in the country.
Slap Crackers Busey, despite a six episode blitz of laziness, obnoxiousness, incoherence, random mumblings, meaningless acronyms, and this week… kitty-cat impressions (!), continues to sail through every boardroom chopping block session completely unscathed. I’m beginning to suspect that the man with a mouthful of nothing but incisors is secretly in possession of a birth certificate proving current Republican front-runner Trump was actually born in The Democratic Republic of the Congo. That’s the only way I can make sense of it.
Nah, I’m kidding. We all know that Gary Busey continues to live so that others competing on this season’s Celebrity Apprentice may scream, bellow and chew off their own tongues in frustration over having to work alongside a useless, seemingly unwitting saboteur who supplies nothing but chaos and destruction everywhere he goes. And like every other Apprentice viewer out there, I’m getting really tired of it.
On the other hand, seemingly unwitting saboteurs who bring nothing but chaos and destruction everywhere they go generally get promoted faster than anyone else.
So just exactly how unrealistic is it that Trump has kept Gary around this long? Gary’s interesting. He’s playful. He makes Trump laugh, and whenever he’s face to face with his boss in the board room, Gary’s respectful, coherent and kissing ass beyond compare.
I have to believe Trump gets off on watching all of his other celebrity underlings driven to bashing their heads against the wall from having to deal with Slap Crackers and his maniacal undoings. Gary Busey is Donald Trump’s court jester. And as long as he continues to delight his king, he won’t be going anywhere. There’s always someone high up on the chain who’s simply delighted to have a baboon working below him and couldn’t care less that everyone else has to work twice as hard to clean up the shit and banana peels said baboon leaves behind.
This week, Slap Crackers led the men in the Omaha Steaks challenge. Each team was tasked to create their own television cooking presentation show featuring Omaha’s products.
The women selected Hope to lead their team… you know Hope, right? Playmate of the Year Hope… Hope Something-or-other-begins-with-a-D… the one who last week… well, actually last week she didn’t do much, but the week before… hmmm… well she didn’t much that week either, but prior to that, let me tell you, she really made her mark by… uhhhhh… Trailing off. Let’s forget this paragraph every happened. Remember when Lisa Rinna got fired? That was awesome!
Before we go any further – and by that, I mean before we begin to crucify Gary for all his time-sucking misdeeds – I do want to point out one seemingly sensible thing he did. He chose Meat Loaf to be the chef on this week’s task. But Meat Loaf immediately started bitching, “I can’t cook… but he’s the project leader, and he made the assignment.” Should anyone expect Meat Loaf to be surprised? Of course Gary chose you, you idiot! In case you aren’t aware, Meat Loaf, it’s a challenge involving Omaha Steaks, and you’re the only person on the team WHO HAS FOOD IN HIS NAME!
Elsewhere, the women had their own issues, and they were primarily with Latoya Jackosn. Miss Jackson could not tolerate the fact that the meal she was charged with cooking was changed at the last minute from a steak to a burger.
I don’t know about you, but I can fuck up a steak way faster than I can fuck up a burger, but Latoya could do nothing but insist that this last-minute change was a plot by her fellow women to mark her as the weakest link and offer her up for firing. Nene Leakes was brilliant with her anticipated impression of Latoya and her “twelve year old voice” in the board room, (throw your own voice up three octaves before reading any further…. ready, and…. go!) “Yes Mister Trump… and they switched my steak at the last minute… and I didn’t know what to do! And they give me a burger!”
I just love Nene Leakes! True, she’s useless and a total pain in the ass, plus she’s taller than a circus freak… but heavens to betsy, she’s just so much fun to watch. I imagine this is what the Celebrity Apprentice producers thought they were going to get with Gary Busey. But week for week, Nene has just absolutely blown Incisor Face off the map in terms of memorable snarkiness. I may start watching Real Housewives of Atlanta just to see more of her.
By the way, Latoya has apparently never cooked for herself… almost! “I’ve never done the hamburger, but I have done an egg!’ Ms. Jackson proclaimed proudly, before almost burning down the studio.
Meat Loaf wasn’t much better, challenged by what the actual definition of “thawed” was.
Other things I loved from this episode:
Country (Superstar?) John Rich’s complaining about Gary’s mis-management of time: “I’m not here to babysit anybody. I’m here to be a tool… in a toolbox”
Clueless Project Manager Hope proudly boasting to “Team Checker” Donald Trump, Jr.: “Star came up with a great slogan that we really really like… and (searching frantically)… I don’t have it in front of me, but…”
Lil John: “I was outfitted with the task of… cutting up paper.”
The “Stepford Audience” brought in to watch the presentations… all twelve of them. I remember working as a writer on a sitcom where the studio audience was literally bussed in from a meth clinic… and this is almost exactly what they looked like.
Back on the men’s side of things, John Rich took issue with Slap Crackers for referring to him as “boy.” We didn’t actually see Gary refer to him as such, because, as John pointed out, “… he finds these moments when he knows the cameras aren’t really rolling and following him… that’s when he gets out his toolbox and starts going to work on you.” John Rich really has a weird thing about toolboxes, doesn’t he?
Presentation time… the women went first, and based on the next-to-no time the episode spent on their performance, I think it was safe to assume that they were not going to lose this week’s challenge. More focus was spent on the men, and Gary Busey referring to the digestive aftermath of eating an Omaha steak with the comment, “…in your stomach and on your taste buds, and after… the digestion is CLEAN and therefore… you’re open.” Slap Crackers followed this up with a Father’s Day metaphor and some sort of inexplicable reference to a kite. Yes, a kite. It appears Gary Busey’s idea for promoting Omaha steaks was all about proudly boasting how well the company’s meat cleans out the intestines… and then a kite. No, there is not a sentence missing in this paragraph. That’s how little sense Gary’s presentation made. I still don’t understand what was going on.
It got worse in back in the board room when we learned that Gary misspelled “absolutely” and “key lime pie” in the men’s menu. Meat Loaf regrettably blasted Gary for excessively foaming at the mouth during the presentation and turning off just about everyone. Trump asked Gary to explain the whole kite metaphor, and as Gary did, the producers underscored it with some sort of three-year old merry go round music and cut to nearly every single other person left on the show either grimacing, giggling, frowning or merely shifting their eyes to the person sitting closest to them sending the message of “Glad it’s him and not me!”
This is the kind of montage we could have easily seen every single week so far this season based on Busey’s idiotic shenanigans, yet it’s presented to us here as if to suggest “boy, Gary has finally gone off his rocker this week, hasn’t he, home audience?” No sale, Celebrity Apprentice!
And the women win the task by a landslide. No surprise there.
And no surprise that the men immediately piled high on Gary to get Trump to cut off his head. Meat Loaf blasted him for not being organized enough to allow a rehearsal before taking their presentation before the audience. Lil John called out Gary for giving him nothing to do and not bothering to learn who had cooking capabilities before naming Meat Loaf the team’s chef. And – no surprise – Country (Superstar?) John Rich remained ultra-offended at Gary referring to him as “boy” and complained on and on about it until I no longer had any interest.
Gary had not a friend left in the room. Not even Ivanka and Donald Jr. were willing to say anything in the defense of Slap Crackers. And when Trump asked Gary to pick two Backbone members to come back to the board room, Gary could do nothing but applaud the efforts of his entire team, and refused to single out anyone.
Trump turned Gary’s schitzo-bananas personality around as “something different… he’s a totally different kind of a guy. I like it! Don’t we all love that?” The men delightfully fumbled over one another to be the last one to speak up on Gary’s behalf. Meat Loaf simply bowed his head down and prayed, confusing the cultural significance of Celebrity Apprentice with that of Schindler’s List and ultimately making a pathetic wimp out of himself. Reputation repair from the ridiculous paint-outburst of two weeks ago, or has the Loaf really found god? You make the call.
Trump finally cut the cord on his jester and thankfully sent Gary packing, as the entirety of this season’s Celebrity Apprentice audience thought to itself, “Well, it’s about time they fired that loser!” while at the same time thinking, “Gee, why should I watch this show anymore?”
And that’s the biggest problem with celebrity reality. The show’s biggest stars are usually its biggest morons. Viewers hate that they have no choice but to work alongside people just like Gary Busey in their real lives, but without them… where is the drama? Who do they have to look virtuous and saintly next to? And if they don’t have someone else to call out for being useless, could they suddenly end up being the one no one else wants around?
Yes, we all need our court jesters. We need them in real life just as much as we do in our TV fantasy worlds. Sadly, we need someone to feel superior to. If you don’t believe me, count how many reality shows air between this recap and my Dancing with the Stars recap 24 hours from now. As much as I’ve been rooting for Trump to fire Gary Busey this season, something tells me it won’t be more than one or two Celebrity Apprentice episodes from now before I cuddle up longingly next to my boyfriend, my cat, or my throw pillow and woefully admit, “I miss Slap Crackers!”