It’s a big deal tonight at Chez TV Food and Drink. Not only is it The Bachelor season finale, but here to watch the show with me are my sister Jodi, my niece Morgan (who have both been watching the show all season) and my own southern-bred MG, who is watching The Bachelor for the very first time tonight and has no idea who either Emily or Chantal are.
8:02 – Two minutes into the recap. MG snickers at nothing in particular. Jodi admonishes him, “MG, you can’t laugh! This is their life we’re talking about.”
8:11 – We meet Brad’s family. Jodi expresses relief that the pudgy brother and the twin brother are not one in the same. We discover that Brad’s twin brother is named Chad. MG groans.
8:15 – Jodi and I agree that Chad is cuter than Brad.
8:22 – MG gets one look at Chantal as she’s about to meet Brad’s family and immediately asks, “What’s the other one’s name?” I answer “Emily,” and he points to the screen and replies, “I can’t see this one ever living in Austin.” MG picks up fast.
8:24 – We all agree that it must suck in this family to be the pudgy brother.
8:25 – Chad laughs at Chantal’s cutesy humility and Jodi wonders if Chad is wondering whether or not he could fool Chantal into having sex with him by mistake.
8:26 – We all re-affirm that Chad is way cuter than Brad.
8:29 – We get a text from Jodi’s other daughter Taylor down in San Diego: “The Bachelor would be a hell of a lot better if my tv worked!”
8:30 – Jodi insists that Brad’s family is going to like Chantal more than Emily because “Emily’s not all that warm.” But Michael reminds her that Emily is from the south and comes with “instant grand baby.”
8:31 – The family meets Emily. I announce, “I feel so badly. She has to meet the whole family all at once.” MG wakes up, “That’s how I had to meet YOUR family!”
8:32 – Brad reveals to the family that Emily has a five year old daughter. There’s a “Group Recoil” from the Womack family. Pudgy brother asks if Little Rikki’s father would be ok with her moving to Austin. There’s a “Group Recoil” in my living room.
8:32 – Boy, Pudgy brother forgot to pack the sunscreen! The brothers nervously peel away the labels on their beer bottles as they discuss life, marriage and the future, leading MG to believe that these guys don’t really talk a whole lot.
8:35 – Brad’s mom cries. Jodi proclaims, “If you make the mom cry, you win!” MG re-asserts “INSTANT GRAND BABY!”
8:36 – Jodi thinks Brad’s sisters-in-law probably hate Emily. True, one is blond and one is skinny. But Emily is both blond and skinny.
8:38 – The family is leaning towards Emily, especially the sisters-in-law, who seem to like that Emily has the anchor of a child. Jodi thinks that the blond sister-in-law has a little fu-man-chu going on under her lip and calls her a “goat.”
8:39 – I pour Jodi some more wine.
8:40 – Brad’s mama picks Emily hands-down for her son: “I think I’m looking at the girl you’re gonna marry.” Therefore, we all agree there must be a twist ahead. I predict that Emily has another kid she keeps in the basement. Jodi thinks that without all her make-up, Emily looks like Mackenzie Phillips. MG thinks Chantal is going to be eaten by a shark.
8:55 – Chantal shows Brad a map she drew of all the places in the world they’ve been. “Wow!” declares MG, “There’s a lot you can do with a box of Crayolas. They can put that up on the refrigerator!”
8:57 – Brad reads aloud the love note Chantal wrote to him while she watches him. “Why does he have to read it?” Morgan groans, “She’s sitting right there!”
9:01 – Jodi: “I don’t like Chantal so much tonight.” Me: “Did you like her before?” Jodi: “Mmmmm… no, I guess not so much.”
9:03 – Jodi mocks Emily’s wardrobe choice as they head to the helicopter. “I’m gonna wear a shirt with a belt today! Maybe then I’ll win!”
9:05 – “Another helicopter?” Morgan complains, “He’s taken, like, four chicks out in a helicopter!” “I know, ” adds Jodi, “couldn’t this time he just rent a blimp?”
9:06 – We are all still mocking Emily’s shirt-belt combo. “Another big gust of wind,” MG says, “and the whole world’s gonna be her gynecologist!”
9:07 – Buzzkill Emily reminds Brad that if he becomes a father to her kid, there will be no drinking beer at 6 o’clock every night. My whole living room groans and makes the raspberry sound. Her insecurity is sucking all the fun out of this finale.
9:13 – Brad awkwardly shifts back and forth on the couch with Emily and proclaims his affections for “Little Rikki.” Jodi snorts. “Does she come with her own bongos?” MG chuckles.
9:14 – Emily asks what Brad thinks it means to be a father. Morgan: “She’s INTERROGATING him!” It’s true. It seems like Emily is so worried about Brad not knowing what he’s getting into, there’s no way he’d ever be able to convince her. Doesn’t it seem like she wants some kind of iron-clad guarantee?
9:15 – Jodi: “Oh my God… Emily is such a bitch!”
9:20 – Brad is on the verge of tears. He asks for some water and excuses himself. Emily wonders if she’s completely messed it up. She reassures Brad that “everything is gonna be ok.” Brad admits he’s “hurt and upset.” MG laughs.
9:21 – During commercial, we all do our best impressions of Emily… “I just need to knooooowwwww that at three ay emmmmmmm….. you’ll be willing to beeeeeeeee thar…. ‘cuz you knooooooowwwww… it’s not always fuhn!”
9:24 – Brad says “Emily is the quintessential Southern Belle!” MG takes issue: “NO SHE’S NOT! She’s way smarter than any real Southern belle!”
9:25 – I ask MG and Jodi if they think Chantal is psycho. Jodi: “I think she has psycho potential.” MG: “There’s a definite streak.”
9:29 – The ring dealer arrives to show Brad engagement rings and MG immediately makes “blood diamond” jokes, such as: “There’s at least sixty Ugandan children that lost their arms just to bring you this gorgeous ring!”
9:30 – Jodi re: the engagement rings: “Gary, they look like the stuff you give away on GSN Live!”
9:31 – Jodi re: Chantal: “She needs to put her spanks on!”
9:34 – MG regarding Chantal’s proposal dress: “Oh look, she’s already got her Dancing with the Stars gown picked out!”
9:35 – MG: “You know what’s amazing? They’ve spent all this time in South Africa and we have yet to see ONE black person!” Jodi: “Shut up, MG! He’s driving the limo!”
9:37 – Me: “Wow, we still have almost twenty minutes to go!” Jodi: “I know… it’s getting really good!!” MG: “It is?”
9:44 – Brad breaks Chantal’s heart. Chantal erupts into hysterical tears. Jodi: “This is what I’ve been waiting for all season!”
9:45 – Brad to Chantal: “Everything I felt for you is real.” MG: “Yeah, as in REAL OVER!”
9:46 – MG: “Is this where he says YOU’RE FIRED?” Me: “Wrong show.”
9:47 – Jodi (as Chantal): “Can I at least see the ring?”
9:48 – Jodi: “I’m telling you, those spanks would have been a real good idea!”
9:49 – Morgan: “She doesn’t look that fat right there!”
9:50 – Chantal weeps pathetically in the limo as it drives away. Jodi: “This is the best!” Michael: “She’s gonna get so much pity sex this weekend!”
9:52 – I pause the show so we can all look at Wake Up, Kittie! on Youtube.
9:54 – So, it’s Emily. I think we all knew this a long, long time ago, didn’t we? Is there still a twist to come?
9:55 – I point out that of course, it’s Emily. After all, Chantal was dressed in black and Emily is in white. Jodi corrects me… Emily is in blush pink.
9:56 – Emily: “I don’t want to have my heart broken again.” MG: “It wasn’t his fault. Didn’t his plane like… crash?”
9:57 – Morgan: “She looks like a Barbie.” Jodi: “Jesus Christ, no kidding.”
9:58 – Emily just said yes. Brad opens the box. MG calls out product placement on the inside of the ring box: “NEIL LANE!”
9:59 – “Congratulations Emily!” says Morgan, “the producers picked you!” The show’s not even over, and Morgan’s already busy playing with my cat.
10:00 – Jodi: “This show would be super-great if they forced them to get married at the very end!”
10:02 – Chris Harrison introduces Chantal to the “After the Final Rose” stage. “It would be funny if her whole life went downhill after the show ended,” I chuckle. “Or she became anorexic from reading your blog,” Morgan adds.
10:04 – We have cake and begin debating who will be the next Bachelorette.