Was it just me or did anyone else feel like last night’s Bachelor: The Women Tell All was a tight hour of reality entertainment painfully stretched out over a hundred and twenty minutes? I guess I don’t completely mind watching Melissa the exiled cougar waitress and Raichel the exiled dull-as-paint manscaper hash out their differences on my television, but neither one of them is still in the running for Brad’s heart, right? They haven’t been for weeks. So why the hell am I still supposed to still care?
Neither the waitress nor the manscaper was smart enough, evil enough, charming enough, or cunning enough to end up as anything more than reality show exhaust fumes, the stuff shows like this spit out season after season. Sure they clean up nice, but I meet more compelling personalities at the DMV. That’s why after last night’s show, we’ll most likely never see either of them again.
Aside from the multiple meaningless “bury the hatchet” moments, and the constant repetition of such phrases as “I’m sorry, but…” “I don’t want to be rude, but…” “I don’t mean to be a bitch, but…” and “I’m really not like this!” there wasn’t much meat on The Women Tell All. If you tuned in to see Merciless Michelle receive her comeuppance and fall apart in tears as her fellow bachelorettes attcked her from all sides like a pack of tigers circling a helpless zebra, you had to wait nearly fifty minutes, but when it finally happened, it was the most entertaining part of the night.
After being called two-faced, manipulative and an “icky spider,” Michelle ran for the Kleenex and insisted that she wasn’t actually a bitch, she was just “super sarcastic,” which is the same thing as being a bitch. She proclaimed over and over that she had left behind her daughter and gone on the show for “all the right reasons,” but failed to list any of the right reasons for sticking your kid with nana while you go off to star on The Bachelor.
Don’t you think Michelle could have earned a lot more respect if she just admitted she was an actress looking for exposure (she is, in fact, in a movie being released later this year)? That at least would have shown that good old Merciless has some ambition and some goals beyond just landing a hot man for a hubby. Instead, Michelle wept herself into a sloppy, snotty hyperventilating fit until she seemed just too pathetic to beat up on anymore. Host Chris Harrison leaned in with some gentle support, and by the end of her segment, Michelle was more or less forgiven by everyone in the entire room for her transgressions. Personally, I think she should have stood her bitch ground (sorry… her super sarcastic ground) until the very end. She was the best part of the show. As Meaghan put it, “Monday nights would not have been the same without you.”
Antoher highlight was Ashley’s S’s painful self-examination afer Chris Harrison asked her why her relationships fail time after time. “Ummmm, I think, that it’s… in the beginning, they think I’m really great and they think I’m such a catch, and then they realize they don’t want to be in a relationship… instead of maybe telling me, they end up cheating on me… and I’ve already invested so much into it (sob sob)… I’m sorry, I think I’m always crying. I’m really not like this!”
You gotta love twenty-somethings. They don’t know shit! Thank God they found a refuge in reality television.
Ashley H., newly brunette, was the only woman in the room who didn’t come off as completely slap-crackers by the end of the night. Rumor is that she’s going to be the next Bachelorette, and the producers seemed to be trying to present her in the most balanced, mature light possible. When asked by Chris if she thought her defense mechanisms destroyed her chances with Brad, her answer was downright sensible: “Absolutely! I’ve lost so many hours of sleep thinking about things that I should have said… but you can never go back.” Wow! Calm, composed, thoughtful and reflective. Someone’s had some therapy! This was the girl who came off all season as endlessly manic. She was a one-woman girl-scout troop on a week-long field trip to Disney World, for gosh sakes. Now, all of a sudden, she’s acting her age! That can only mean one thing: the producers are looking to squeeze some more life out of her. Since Chris went out of his way to proudly proclaim, “I LIKE THE NEW ASHLEY!” I think it’s intended for all of us to feel the exact same way.
So, as we all rest up and prepare ourselves for the Emily/Chantal showdown next week, we say a final goodbye to Artist Jacki, Funeral Director Shawntel, Food Writer Britt, and the rest of this season’s over-plucked, under-confident brood of ginny hens as they all head back to their lives of obscurity and singlehood, waiting patiently by the phone for a call from the Casting Director for the second season of the super-sleezy Bachelor Pad, coming to your television this summer!