8:03pm – Anguilla is the love destination on this week’s The Bachelor, and for Britt the Food Writer, it’s a week of do-or-die. Things are not looking promising for the woman who, up to this point in the season, has had fewer opportunities to speak than Tina Yothers on a later-years episode of Family Ties.
As the women climb off the boat and take their first steps onto the sandy shores of exotic Anguilla (“It’s just right out of Baywatch or something!” coos Dentist Ashley, as the rest of the women throw their arms into the air and scream “Wooo!”), we are met by host Chris Harrison with the breakdown for this week’s episode: three one-on-one dates (no roses) and a group date (one rose), which means only one girl will be safe by the time this week’s Rose Ceremony rolls around. Britt’s excited. She really feels this is her week. Sadly, however, Date Number One goes to Homespun Emily. This being something like Emily’s fifteenth private date with The Bromack, she shrugs it off the way the high school cheerleader who blossomed early rolls her eyes whenever the chemistry teacher asks if she needs personal assistance heating her beaker.
8:05 – A helicpter doth approach. “You do too much on our dates!” Emily sweetly scolds Brad, as if these dates are coming straight out The Bromack’s own pocket. The destination is a private island, which really looks more like a G-string shaped sandbar you could only stand on during low tide. But hey, who am I to criticize? The closest I’ve ever gotten to something this tropical is when I met the guy who played Gilligan.
Once again, we are met with riveting conversation between Homespun and The Bromack:
“I like it out here”
“Me too” (LONG PAUSE) “What are you thinking?”
“Uhhhh. It’s a really cool view.”
“Yeah. It’s really pretty.”
These two are considering marriage? I remember having more honest conversations with the janitor from my high school, and he’d had his tongue cut out by the Nazis!
8:12 – Back at the Resort, the date card arrives for this week’s Date Number 2. Britt has her hopes up yet again, but this time, the one-on-one goes to Shawntel N., the Funeral Director. “I’m so excited that I get another one-on-one,” yips Shawntel, before making a sad face… “and then I look at Britt and I kinda feel bad for her.”
8:13 – Shawntel is officially over feeling bad for Britt.
8:14 – Meanwhile, back on the sandbar. Bromack and Homespun share more Earth-shattering exchanges:
“This is amazing.”
“Yeah, it is. Today was… fun.”
“Today was perfect.”
8:17 Brad broaches the subject of meeting Homespun Jr. back in Charlotte. Emily sighs heavily and admits to being over-protective of her daughter. She’s never introduced her little girl to any of the men she has dated since the plane crash. “It would be huge to me!” pleads Brad. But Emily is torn. This is so real. He agrees with her. It is real. She agrees back. It’s real. “Yeah, it’s real,” Brad adds. “Mmm-hmm,” contributes Emily poignantly.
8:18 – Brad breaks Bachelor protocol and tells Homespun she is definitely getting a rose this week. Cue the moonlight. Cue the tender music. Brad and Emily kiss.
8:23 – Time for Date Number Two. There are bicycles in the background so it’s not going to be nearly as romantic as Date Number One on Homespun G-String Island. Instead, we’re treated to Brad and Shawntel jumping rope in a downtown Anguilla street, playing dominoes with the locals, and meeting a wise local sage who gives the two some advice on love, “Hold hands and maybe kiss sometime. When it’s time to get married, let your parents know.” Yeah, that’s about the depth of message anyone participating on this show’s looking for, so again, I’ll keep my thoughts on this one to myself.
8:26 – Susprise! Shawntel thinks Brad is the kind of man she’d like to marry. The two drink wine on a blanket near some goats. Brad reveals that he likes who he is when he’s with Shawntel. Shawntel reveals that she’s falling in love with Brad, but she’s scared of… say it with me… bringing down her walls. Brad states that Shawntel’s statement gets him to thinking, at which point the goats begin spontaneously ramming their heads against the wooden wheels on the nearest guava cart and pray for the speedy return of Dancing with the Stars.
8:31 – Dinner on the dock under a palm frond-roofed hut. Shawntel reiterates that she loves Brad and she’s excited to bring him to her hometown of Chico so he can meet all her Funeral Director friends. “I’ve never been to Chico!” spouts Brad. I have been to Chico. Here’s all you need to know: check out the page on the Solid Waste and Recycling programs the city proudly boasts about on its official website.
Nevertheless, not even the threat of having to visit the most populous city in Butte County, California is enough to drive Shanwtel and Brad apart.
8:36 – Date Number Three is revealed, and finally finally FINALLY for Britt the Food Writer, opportunity knocks. Brad admits Britt is “behind the other women” when it comes to his affections. As Brad and Britt swim out to a yacht that will take them to their dating destination, the other girls predictably whine about missing out on a fabulous opportunity.
And it actually is pretty fabulous. Britt was certainly rewarded for her patience. Too bad Brad ended up taking her to a private cove for some cliff jumping.
Britt, hesitant at first, finally pulls up the courage and makes the jump. Brad was impressed that she overcame her fears, but I would have called it off right there and then. Let Michelle or Emily have him. I’m not putting my life at risk for this dude, who has a hot bod, but up until this point has demonstrated the charisma of a Milk Dud.
8:48 – Time to get to know our girl Britt. She admits she’s been in love a few times, but she’s not good at it. There was more, but Brad ain’t feeling it and looks to be trying to actually get away from her. Normally when you hear the words, “Don’t you want to get back to the yacht?” it’s a good thing, but here… not so much.
8:54 – Brad’s wrapping this baby up faster than the fruitcake you’re giving your postman for Kwanzaa. Poor, poor Britt… six weeks we hear nothing from her, and when we finally do, it’s nothing but a slew of desperate hints…”Today couldn’t have been better.” “That food was soooo good.”
8:55 – Brad tells Britt he doesn’t feel anything for her.
8:56 – Britt pleads with Brad to give her more time to make him fall in love with her.
8:57 – Britt’s on a dinghy heading home.
Kicked off a yacht in the dead of night? Welcome to the brutality that is The Bachelor, Britt! You don’t have a man. You don’t have love! But you do have Fernando, the guy rowing you to shore. Ask him if he’s into Food Writers.
9:05 – Group date time. Merciless Michelle, Ashley and Chantal are up. in the middle of night, they are woken by The Bromack and told that they will be posing in bathing suits for the latest edition of Sports Illustrated, hitting stands… guess when!… February 15th!
9:08 – Chantal O.: “I am regretting eating as much as I have the past couple of days.”
9:09 – Skeezy long-haired photographer floods Dentist Ashley with compliments: “That’s amazing! Wow! Lay on your back, huh! This is fantastic. This would look incredible without your top on!”
9:10 – Ashley, “No! I’m not doing THAT!”
9:12 – Chantal O., you’re up. Hey, if you’re feeling a little shy about all the food you’ve been chowing down this past week, don’t worry… you can just… oh… okay…
9:13 – Michelle: “I’m not that kind of girl.” Well, I may be gay, but of the three women involved, she was the only one I was hoping was that kind of a girl.
But instead of taking off her top, Michelle entices The Bromack to actually join her in her photo shoot, and it was the only hot moment of the night. And as you can imagine, Ashely and Chantal are not happy about it. “I just think it’s funny,” Ashley says, sad and defeated, while asking around to see if anyone’s seen her top.
9:15 – Brad blames himself for going too far with Michelle. He knows Ashley and Chantal are unhappy. “‘I don’t know WHAT to expect at the pool party… I think (the) damage is done. Something is telling me that this day is gonna get worse, not better.”
9:20 – Brad does the obligatory consoling of Ashley and Chantal at the most awkward pool party in history, where everyone is mopey and Kryptonite Smoothies seem to be the only drink on the menu.
9:29 – Brad pulls Ashley aside again, and she recoils, begs and whines like someone who’s about to be chain sawed in half by Jason Voorhies. “Don’t send me home,” she whimpers.
9:30 – Brad heads back to the cabana where Chantal, Michelle and the rose are situated. Brad grabs the rose, awkwardly excuses himself from the two losers, and brings the bud back to Dentist Ashely. After seeing this girl cry and shiver at the slightest bit of drama, does anyone really want her drilling into their head?
9:36 – Chantal can’t handle the rejection. Brad does his best to console her – after all, she’s only one of five women he might want to marry. “There’s more roses tonight!” he hints optimistically. That’s pretty much all she was looking to hear anyway.
9:40 – God this episode has been long and drawn out. So we have five girls left. We know Ashley isn’t going home. Brad has promised Homespun she’s not going home. Chantal or Shawntel seem to be the most likely candidates. Merciless is looking forward to the cocktail party so she can “clear the air” with Brad and snag herself a rose.
9:44 – In a moment of contrived drama, Brad asks to consult with host Chris Harrison about “breaking the rules.” He has NO NEED for the cocktail party. He simply wants to get to the Rose Ceremony.
9:46 – The women share their concerns that something doesn’t feel right. Chris Harrison approaches… “So, I know I’m not exactly the guy you were hoping to see,” a line he delivers with surprising ease and familiarity. He informs them that it’s make or break time. One of them is about to go home. Merciless Michelle rues the lost opportunity to manipulate The Bromack one more time.
9:52 – Brad makes a prolonged speech about knowing that he’s “making the right decision.”
9:53 – Emily gets a rose
9:54 – Funeral Director Shawntel N. gets a rose – uh oh, didn’t Brad more or less re-assure Chantal O. that it was worth her wild to stick around for the Rose Ceremony… which would mean that the one going home would be…
9:55 – Burn. Merciless Michelle gets the boot! Well, Michelle, I didn’t think you’d part yet, but I could have told you you weren’t gonna win this thing. Homespun Emily’s got it in the bag. Girls who play the “cool bitch” as often as you do never get the proposal, though they do get a lot of camera time during the reunion show to make nasty faces and spit venom at the rest of her season’s cast. Start working up your next round of bitter, catty barbs, Michelle. You’ve got a rep to protect, and that’s about all anyone in TV Land is interested in.
9:56 – The Aftermath. Brad asks if Michelle is ok. No Answer. “Ummm… you wanna talk?”
Turns out the physical attraction wasn’t enough to overcome what Brad stated was destined to become a “volatile relationship.”
9:59 – Michelle continues to have no comment.
Well, I didn’t see this one coming. And though I am interested to see Brad tour a funeral parlor next week, I really could have done without Shawntel, Chantal or Ashley getting this far. They’re all lap dogs in the court of Homespun Emily as far as I’m concerned.
What do you think?