You know you’re watching a pretty good episode of The Bachelor when flying Elvis impersonators are the least impressive moment of the night.
After seeing a glimpse of the Cirque Du Soleil show that is “Viva Elvis” at the Aria Hotel during this week’s Vegas episode, I was struck less by the spectacle of the show and more by the fact that the graceful movements we’ve come to expect from Cirque du Soliei and the hip-swaggering songs from the King of Rock and Roll just do not go together. It’s like pairing Martin Lawrence and Anthony Hopkins in a 3-D western. It may sound like an incredible idea, but in the end you realize it was all done in the hopes that after shelling out for the tickets, you’ll be just satisfied enough to drop a little more for the soundtrack. Are the Cirque people just running out of marketable ideas? I barely understood pairing with The Beatles, but this Elvis thing just sounds greedy.
As for the remaining bachelorettes, I don’t know about you but I still cannot tell the difference between Lisa, Marissa, Alli and Chantal. They all have dark straight hair, they all cry when they’re drunk and they never get any camera time. Not that being able to determine who’s who within this Ebony Brat Pack really matters for much longer. I think we all see what’s coming: a showdown between Homespun Emily and Michelle the Merciless.
Sweet, charming, hesitant Emily really knows how to play it coy. Always in the back of the pack, never aggressive, avoiding eye contact at all costs until The Bromack is ready to walk around on his hands while balancing a soccer ball on his nose waiting for her to notice and throw him a fish.
And then there is Michelle, who gets to make drag queen faces and grab Brad by the chin to force him to return her attentions. She’s generally accompanied by evil reverberating drum hits, a lone slinky bass guitar and the occasional “rattlesnake” sting that’s usually reserved for the subtle storytelling on Days of Our Lives.
Don’t we really have our two finalists here already?
As politely charming as it was watching The Bromack escort one-on-one date Shawntel through a massive Vegas mall shopping spree, that’s pretty much standard chick porn. Hasn’t The Bachelor been pulling this kind of date out of its hat at least once a season? And while it was fun to see the face on Merciless when she saw the loot she missed out on scoring, it didn’t do anything to bring me into Shawntel’s corner.
What you can say about Shawntel is that she has certainly broken out of the Ebony Brat Pack, if not for being genuinely charming, then for her most unusual profession of funeral director/emblamer (because who can make it as just one or the other anymore in this trying economic climate?). I don’t know how many dates you’ve been on where phrases like “I insert a drain tube into the vein,” and “Think of all of our orifices!” come up, but for me… well, not that many. Top that off with the engaging stories about Peaches, her cross-eyed cat, and the mere genuine chuckles it was getting out of Brad (we’ve all seen him laugh hysterically, but has he ever looked like he was actually enjoying himself when he was doing it?) were enough to earn Shawntel the first rose of the night.
This week’s group date was at a NASCAR track, and can we all agree right now that this was a pretty slimy thing for The Bachelor to do to a woman whose dead fiance was a NASCAR driver? If it wasn’t for the Pinot Noir, I would not have been able to get the bad taste out of my mouth. But if Emily can stick it out, I guess I can too. Can’t you just see Brad and Emily privately agreeing on what total douchebags the producers must be to put her into that situation and not fill Brad in about her backstory until she felt no other choice but to spill the beans in front of the cameras. Then again, mutual hatred has brought more than one couple to the altar, so maybe there’s a master plan at work here.
Then there is the possibility that Emily and Brad were in on the whole thing too, and merely creating a “scene” for the cameras to “catch,” which would make them equally repellant. But I choose not to believe that these things ever happen on reality tv, and if they do, well, shining beacon of truth and wholesomeness that she is, Emily would never be part of it. Just look at that punim. Not since Linda Day George, I tell ya!
There was one more date tonight, and that was the two-on-one, which isn’t nearly as cool as it sounds. On the “two-on-one,” Brad takes two out and kicks one to the curb RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DATE. Ouch!
Sometimes, I think that when Brad boots a woman off this show, the producers don’t immediately get the hysterical tears they’re looking for and tell the girl things to make it worse like, “He also said your ass was fat,” or “All the cameramen had money on you too,” or “Looking the way you do, we all thought it would have been you much, much sooner!”
But you have to believe that when The Bromak broke the bad news to Ashley S… after all she’d gone through… sitting across the table from her rival Ashley H., getting all gussied up, shaving her legs, shaving her armpits, shaving her lip, ironing her hair, suppressing her hick accent all night long… and then getting the sack before they even brought out the Baked Alaska… well, those tears had to be the real thing, right?
Don’t worry, Ashley… whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas… unless it happens on a network television show watched by twenty million women and me… then, not so much.
And before you know it, we’ve reached the end of our fabulous Vegas vacation and the dreaded Rose Ceremony. Saved this week, aside from previous rose recipients Ashley H. Emily and Shawntel were Merciless Michelle, Britt the food writer (whose presence continues to defy explanation), Jackie, who is apparently the first mute ever to compete on the show, and Ebony Brat Packers Alli and Chantal O.
Hitch-hiking it back to Los Angeles were two other Brat Packers…
Lisa: “It just makes me question everything!
And Marissa: “It hurts to have to leave… feeling like I was rejected.”
I don’t want to be the one to break it to Marissa, but she actually was rejected.
Am I wrong that there are too many identical brunettes this season? My sister and niece told me they both think this is the worst cast in the history of The Bachelor. Having only ever watched this season, I couldn’t say, but I’m sticking firm to my belief that it’s coming down to Emily vs. Michelle. Would you even bother sticking out the rest of the season if it were any other two?