“My feelings are becoming really, really strong…” proclaims Brad at the top of tonight’s Bachelor, “…for each of these eight women.”
Welcome to February sweeps, Tv Food and Drinkers! And how can you tell we’ve reached February sweeps? Because tonight on The Bachelor we’re off to luscious, beautiful Costa Rica! Witness the hot springs! Waterfalls! Volcanoes! Giant exotic spiders! No more dates at grimy racetracks, gravelly downtown rooftops and dank L.A. recording studios. ABC has finally opened up the purse strings. Let’s all soak up that Latin America sunshine and be thankful we’ve all left January behind!
Executive Assistant Chantal O. receives the first date of the night. Needless to say, the sad, old broken record that is Merciless Michelle is not happy about it. How many times is this chick gonna blurt out “none of these girls are right for Brad” without providing some actual reasons? Doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen anytime soon. Merciless seems happier to just snort openly in the corner like a diarrhetic baboon.
We’ve seen this character over and over in reality tv. Pushy, outspoken, vain, seductive in that oh-so-obvious-television way that you wouldn’t be surprised to see Joan Collins burst out of the Costa Rican jungle and toss old Merciless into the nearest koi pond for a good old fashioned slap fight. Well, at least Joan Collins had some charisma and a few other tricks up her sleeve. Merciless thinks assertive and arrogant is gonna take her all the way to the altar, with the occasional outburst of tears whenever her processed ultra-confidence starts rubbing The Bromack the wrong way.
“Hey, what about me!?” Chantal is no doubt screaming from her home tonight as she watches Merciless soak up all of her camera time on tonight’s show. After all, Chantal is in need of some serious character rehabilitation, especially after her embarrassing moment last week. If you recall, she tried to discuss her feelings with Brad after one to many Pink Ladys and came off sounding like the sorority pledge who threw up into the sink and then couldn’t understand why none of the Alpha Tao Omega guys wanted to make out with her.
After their moonlight picnic is rained out, Chantal finds herself sporting nothing but one of Brad’s dress shirts back in his private Costa Rican Hubba-Hubba Hut. She pines on and on about not being able to let down her walls, while her skirt is nowhere in sight, and rightfully earns herself the first rose of the night. I bet Michelle will not be happy about this, either. “I just don’t see him with Chantal,” she says. And I have to go with her on this one. Is there really any chemistry at all here? I’m bored out of my gourd watching these two. Their conversations generate the heat and originality of a Snoopy Valentine. Where is Joan Collins when you need her?
Chantal: “I’m crazy about you.”
Brad: “This could happen every night.”
Chantal: “I feel that that thing you’re supposed to feel.”
Brad: “Me too.”
Oh boy. I got more sexually aroused during The King’s Speech.
Next up is a group date. Brad plus six women, including front runners Merciless Michelle and Homespun Emily, are sent rappelling down a waterfall. There was so much squealing and squawking going on, the local toucans were banging their heads against the tree trunks for sweet relief. At least there was some pretty nice camerawork. God bless you, Feburary sweeps!
Brad and Merciless rappel down together, living up to a pact they made on their last one-on-one in which they rappelled together down the side of a skyscraper. This of course leads to the obligatory whining amongst the other women, “Why didn’t he do that with meeeeeee?” Ah, the perils of going on a date with six women. This is exactly why I don’t do it.
Forty-one minutes into our story, and finally we get some skin. Bring on the hot springs, and along with it the regret of my having eaten a patty melt slathered in Thousand Island dressing earlier for dinner.
All of the women continue to bitch and moan about Brad going down the falls with Michelle… all except Britt the Food Writer, who has yet to utter a single word in tonight’s episode. How this woman has gotten this far in the competition is beyond me. She clearly brings nothing to the show the producers have any interest in. And yet she inexplicably continues to hang on, like a sturdy tree moss or America’s Funniest Home Videos. She sure is racking up the travel miles. Last week it was Vegas, this week Costa Rica, next week The Caribbean. I saw this movie once about a puny four-eyed kid who stows away on a flight to the moon with a team of confident astronauts who never seem to notice he’s around. I think something similar is going on with Britt.
Next up for a one-on-one is Alli, the Apparel Merchant from Ohio. Alli dreams of a night of beautiful romance with The Bromack. Instead, she ends up having a sunless picnic with him in a 40 million year old Costa Rican cave. What woman in her right mind would want to hang out in there? I guess Alli was trying to impress The Bromack with her fearlessness. Joan Collins would have just tossed her drink in his face.
Later at dinner, Brad and Alli make zero eye contact. “I don’t know how to explain it,” a puzzled Bromack shares with us. “We’re in the most romantic spot in the world, and we’re making small talk.” Guess dank old Costa Rican caves swiriling with insects and bats don’t really crank the Apparel Merchant’s motor the way one might expect. At this point, I’m thinking speechless Britt’s got a better chance of receiving a rose from Brad at the end of this episode. Hell, my iPod has a better chance of receiving a rose from Brad at the end of the episode.
“I just don’t see Brad with Alli,” pipes up Michelle once again. And once again, she may actually be right. “The spark just wasn’t there,” admits Brad, who quickly plays the friendship card and sends Alli packing. Downside for Alli… no dream man at the end of her Costa Rican rainbow. Upside for Alli… those bat bites on her face will give her a fun story to help break the ice at her next speed dating session.
Usually the long stretch that happens on this show between the final date of the week and the Rose Ceremony involves a lot of women questioning their self-worth and begging Brad to send them home if he’s not sure he can see his way past all of their issues. I’m going to have to assume that was the case this week as well, as from approximately 9:28 pm to 9:51 pm, I had some issues of my own.
Luckily, AT&T U-Verse came through for me just in time to see Merciless Michelle swipe the last rose of the night, and send Jackie the “Artist” onto the long walk of shame, this one a little longer than other weeks since it starts in Costa Rica and Jackie lives in New York.
Jackie actually held it together better than most women who’ve been given the old heave-ho this season, so I’ll give her credit for a graceful exit, though if it were based on camera time alone, the axe certainly would have swung for Britt this week.
I’m still betting on the final episode of this season’s Bachelor to be a showdown between Emily and Michelle. The minute either one of these two leaves the show, it’s a forgone conclusion that the other is going to nab herself a Bromack, isn’t it? Are you really gonna feel satisfied if he ends up in the arms of the Funeral Director, the Dentist or the Food Writer?
Personally, I’d rather see him end up with Joan Collins than have that happen.