The Bachelor 15-1: (Insert Name of Schmuck) is Ready for the Real Thing!

Brad Womack, the most hated man in Bachelor history (until Jake Pavelka flew into town, that is), returns tonight for another season of tight trousers, excessive cleavage and a wealth of crocodile tears the likes of which television has lacked since Skating with the Stars made the Lutz jump into a bottomless pit and took ABC’s Monday night ratings with it.

Womack’s ultimate refusal to pop the question to either DeAnna Pappas or Jenni Croft turned The Bachelor’s eleventh season into a bigger waste of time than the Pasadena Doo Dah Parade. No one got what they wanted: the hopeless romantics, the closet-case reality show watchers… actually, the gay male population may have exchanged a few high-fives watching the hunky tattooed Brad turn his back on 25 scheming, desperate women, but the gay male population is not exactly The Bachelor’s bread and butter.

So, someone thought it would be a good idea to give Brad the Cad another shot at TV love and along with it, TV redemption. That means that we’re in for a season of cyclical shaming and salvation scenarios as we watch Brad struggle to give the editors of The Bachelor enough pensive gazes and knuckle-to-tear-duct moments to weave him into a whimpering contrite Adonis and win back the hearts of ladies everywhere.

And unless The Bachelor wishes to alienate its core audience permanently, it’s safe to assume that this time Brad will indeed drop to one knee and sling a ring onto the finger of that one woman who can bring down the barriers surrounding his tender heart and show him the meaning of true love, respect and romantic equality. The only question left is… which woman it will be. The hot nanny? The Rockette? The professional manscaper?

On with the show!

First off… which is harder to believe: that only seconds after Executive Assistant Chantal “discovers” that Brad the Cad is her Bachelor, she’s composed enough to make a speech on behalf of women everywhere and smack Brad in the face… or the fact that Brad liked her because of that so-called “fire” within her?

“Look forward to talking to you!” Brad exclaims as Chantal slinked away, which is guy code for, “Looking forward to getting you drunk and abandoning you in the hot tub so you can sob yourself into a lonely fit of hyperventilation.”

Well, at least Chantal made herself stand out. She was followed by a predictable parade of Cristys, Ashleys, Laceys, and all sorts of other flirty faces you’ll see in five years either reporting for Entertainment Tonight or pointing out King Kong on the Universal Studios Tour. There was also a vampire-fanged blond named Madison (not her above, but see below), an “artist” named Jackie who makes Brad pinky-swear he won’t break her heart, and a chick named Britnee who coolly motions Brad over to her limo through a crack in the tinted glass, apparently trying to deliver “confident sass” despite the fact that she spells her name “Britnee.”

The sentimental favorite thus far seems to be West Virginia-born Emily, who lost her racecar fiancé Ricky Hendrick in a plane crash only to discover less than a week later she was pregnant with his daughter. Cue the tender acoustic guitar, the exchange of two mega-watt smiles and an uncharacteristic lack of irony.

“Is your wife in there?” Chris Harrison asks.
“Absolutely!” Brad exclaims. “I’m ready!”

Thirty women, one repentant Texas stud… and we’re only an hour in. I’m going for a martini. Meet me back here after maximum-strength Mucinex wipes out that obnoxious collection of computer-generated mucus people. Hmmm. A collection of overly-talkative slippery secretions living too close together, getting in each other’s way, and competing to be the last survivor… hey, that should be a show!

Okay, we’re back. With a First Impression rose hanging in the balance, Brad spends the rest of the evening trying to convince thirty gals to stop undressing him with their eyes… er, guarding their emotions.

Meanwhile, the thirty gals spend the rest of the evening pulling up the fronts of their dresses and asking one another, “Do you really think he’s changed?”

And how about that Renée? Poor, under-confident Renée who had Brad stolen away from her by other women no less than three different times during the evening’s chit chat, but kept coming back like a bad penny or the McRib sandwich. If there was a LaToya Jackson rose being presented for never getting the hint, Renée would be the winner hands-down.

And we need to take a moment to contemplate the head-scratcher that is Ashley S., the woman who brazenly proclaimed, “I’m the type of person… like… this is me!” Ashley S. bares an uneasy resemblance to the impish “Tippy Toes” Tenley from last year’s Bachelor Pad. Vapid and giggly took Tippy Toes all the way to the finals, so maybe there’s more to Ashley S. than appears. And low and behold, Ashley gets the First Impression rose, and swoons over the potential “fairy tale” that is unfolding before her.

When it came down to the distribution of the nineteen immunity roses, FangFace Madison made the cut along with (highlights only)… dentist Ashley H., manscaper Raichel, Rockette Keltie, acoustic guitar Emily, food writer Britt (something about her I like) and pinky swear Jackie.

Left to be hauled away with the empty Korbel bottles and disposable ashtrays included high school teacher Lauren (“It’s his loss.”), Limo Crack Britnee (“I have no clue why he didn’t pick me.”), Lisa P. (“I don’t think Brad took me seriously.”) and McRib Renée (she sat down for her exit interview, but the camera got distracted by another girl).

And at the end of the first episode of The Bachelor 15, what has Brad learned?  He’s learned that his wife is definitely somewhere in the mansion, that he can let go of the past and embrace the future, and that trust is the basis of any relationship.

And what have I learned? I’ve learned that martinis do not pair well with nacho dogs, male Brazilian waxing is apparently now a thing, and I’m clearly not the only one who has difficulty walking across a driveway in high heels.

So who do you think has the inside track this early on? Emily? FangFace Madison? Is Brad worth watching a second time around? Looking forward to the water slides, shark encounters and black eyes teased from episodes ahead? Is it just me, or does Seal possess a career that should enable him to avoid having to perform on this show?

Oh wait, Seal had a song called, “Kissed by a Rose,” and there are roses on this show. Never mind. I get it.

Tags: ABC, Alli Travis, Ashley Herbert, Ashley Spivey, Brad Womack, Britt Billmaier, Chantal O’Brien, Chris Harrison, Emily Maynard, Jackie Gordon, Jill Ruskowski, Keltie Colleen, Kim Coon, Kimberly Coon, Lindsay Hill, Lisa Morrisey, Madison Garton, Marissa May, Meghan Merritt, Melissa Schreiber, Michelle Money, Raichel Goodyear, Sarah Powell, Shawntel Newton, Stacey Queripel, The Bachelor