“The most talked about finale ever!” Brooke proclaimed!
“Anything can happen!” Tom warned!
“Poor The Situation,” MG signed yet again. He just can’t let it go.
Yes, as shuddered as you, me, Melanie Griffith and Jamie Lee Curtis were last week at the surprise exit of Brandy and Maks, Dancing with the Stars must go on… even if Waffle Feet still gets to be a part of it.
“She has improved,” seems to be the approach everyone in Camp Bristol or anyone who is hoping to help save the face of Dancing with the Stars has been taking this past week. What was once a sow’s ear is now… a smaller sow’s ear, or perhaps a sow’s ear with a nice hoop earring from Sears, or a sow’s ear who made friends with the silk purse who moved in next door.
It’s true, Bristol’s not as bad as she was when she started. And should she be? After nearly three months of rehearsals, criticisms and one-on-one tutoring from a professional partner, it would just be down right shameful if Bristol hadn’t improved, right? But the show is not called Improving with the Stars, or Dancing with Someone Who’s No Longer Stumbling Around like a Rhino with a Tranquilizer Dart in its Ass. It’s called Dancing with the Stars. It requires dancing, and it requires stars. Bristol Palin has not succeeded in either of these categories.
If she wins… eh, I won’t rue it longer then the time it takes the end credits to roll. I’ve got Skating with the Stars on deck to mock. My mental plate is full. But others deserve it more, specifically Jennifer Grey, and even the fallen Brandy. Brandy was in tears last week, probably not because she lost, but because she was exhausted from giving everything she had to wowing the crowd, which she did regularly, and thanks to phone votes, it didn’t matter one iota. That’d be a tough pill to swallow. Showbiz, but still a tough pill.
Tonight’s show consisted of one redemption dance and one freestyle dance. The redemption dance was a re-boot of a dance each finalist had failed miserably at the first time around.
Hey wait a minute… I think I’ve found a show for all those obsessed phone voters out there who can’t get enough of Waffle Feet on TV. How does this sound? Dancing with the Stars: The Bristol Palin Redemption Dances! Each week, Bristol could re-visit a dance she murdered the first time around, complain about “all the haters out there,” perform it again with the exact same lack of precision, grace or interest in actually finishing. Then, she can speak with no discernible enthusiasm about wanting to win, point out “all the haters out there” yet again and boom… thirty million votes. Will it matter that no one else is competing against her? Nope. That’s the level of awareness displayed by the people out there still voting for Bristol Palin.
Kyle Massey & Lacey Schwimmer ‘s redemption dance was the fox trot, which Kyle originally performed dressed like Isaac the bartender on TV Theme Night. You remember TV Theme Night, right? Oh sorry… we promised never to speak of it again.
Kyle’s still fighting to carve out a niche for himself on this show. When he’s able to freestyle, he seems to run away with it, but when he’s reigned in by actual technique, he becomes astonishingly boring. Tonight’s fox trot was certainly more sophisticated than the Aaron Spelling retro blow-out from the first time around, but Lacey once again stole the show as far as I’m concerned with moves that were far more impressive and memorable than her partner’s were. The judges did NOT agree with me (well, two of them didn’t).
Len: “You’ve gone from Messy Massey to marvelous!”
Bruno: “Look at you… all slick, sharp and slinky!”
Carrie Ann: “I tend to like the Kyle that performs outward more.”
SCORE – 27/30
Their freestyle round wasn’t exactly ballroom, but it’s sure to scare up some votes. From the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air costumes, to the booty-shaking and the worm accompanied by “Tootsee Roll,” the dance was decidedly lively, but still hackneyed and tiresome in my opinion. These moves I’ve seen performed in a thousand and one different music videos and a handful of drunken wedding receptions. That Kyle… he’s either underwhelming or over the top. He’s only got one more night to find the soft gooey spot in between. If not, it’s curtains for Messy Massey. As usual, the judges saw it differently.
Len: “I’m not a great fan of the boogaloo dancing, but this was great fun.”
Bruno: “Truly explosive entertainment.”
Carrie Ann corrected her stodgy counterpart. “It wasn’t boogaloo… it was old school hip hop,” and then commended Kyle for having “killed it.”
SCORE – 29/30
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT = 56/60
Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas – Proclaimed by Tom Bergeron as the contender “saved week after week by the power of your votes,” Waffle Foot’s redemption dance tonight was the jive (also originally from the doomed TV Theme Song Night… you remember… the gorilla suits.. yeah, that night… the one we won’t bring up anymore)… and there’s really nothing new to say. Mark is choreographing Bristol like she’s a four year old parading around the stage in the Little Miss Jellybean Pageant. Look! Bristol can shake her hips! See Bristol point! She Bristol wave her hands in the air! See Bristol remain in control of her center of gravity with the subtlety of a Weeble.
And the judges…?
Bruno: “You didn’t care… and we all enjoyed it!”
Carrie Ann: “You were brighter and more vibrant than ever!
Len: “Last time a gorilla. This time a thrilla!”
WHAT??? She memorized some basic steps and managed to stay in sync with her partner… almost.
Somewhere, Brandy is chewing through her weave.
When are these judges going to start penalizing her for doing what’s just required and nothing more.
SCORE = 27/30 – same score as Kyle? No way.
The Freestyle started off under a bad sign in rehearsal when Bristol proclaimed zero familiarity with “Cellblock Tango” or the musical Chicago. Really, Mark? Bristol Palin performing Bob Fosse? Is someone paying you to take a dive? It’s not even fair to say it’s out of Birstol’s league. Bristol’s league laughed at the suggestion, slapped old Mark on the back and went out to get drunk.
The judges were a little heavier on the criticism and a little lighter on the coddling, but they all politely agreed that Bristol was out of her league in the dance, and Mark was out of his tree for suggesting it.
SCORE = 25/30
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT – 52/60
Jennifer Grey & Derek Hough seriously needed some redemption after their original paso doble, which had to be Jen’s worst performance of the season. I think at this point the heat’s off Jen. Based on the competition in the finals, she’s going to come out the clear winner whether she actually ends up with the trophy or not. Unlike Bristol, week after week, Jen manages to supass the bar Derek sets from her. Derek steals a moment, Jen steals it right back. These two are a real team. If you were just tuning in for the first time, you’d be hard pressed to figure out which one was the professional.
The only problem I have with watching Jennifer perform… I’m SO tired of the cutaways to Jamie Lee Curtis. I don’t have anything against her, I don’t have anything for her, but is there anyone else in the crowd worth shooting?
SCORE = surprise! a 30 out of 30
Freestyle Dance = Come out with a watermelon, then dramatically toss it aside? I fail to grasp the reference. Anyone?
Fun, lively, lots of movement, incorporating a vast amount of dance steps… plus we got to watch Derek nail Jen on the judge’s table, which really is what we’ve been waiting for all season long, right?
Carrie Ann: “Amazing… perfect!”
Len: “You’re an irresistible force heading for that mirror ball trophy!”
Bruno: “Two dances at the opposite end of the spectrum and both equally brilliant!”
SCORE = another 30/30
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT – 60/60
Really, is there anything more that Jennifer and Derek could do to ensure their fans to vote tonight? Does Bristol actually have more fans, or just more obsessed fans? Anyone see a way Kyle could possibly sneak off with this thing?
I, like everyone else out there, will be gripped to my television tomorrow night from 9:54pm to 10:01pm. How about you?
After that, anyone care to join me over on the set next door for some Skating with the Stars?