Watching Dancing with the Stars – November 1, 2010

This week’s Dancing with the Stars was a special occasion for me.  Not because it was the show’s 200^th episode.  Not because of the special appearances by Apolo Anton Ohno, Drew Lachey and Gilles Marini (although how could that ever hurt?).  And not because it was the best night ever to play audience “C-List Celebrity Spot-‘em” thanks to the cast reunions from seasons past (I spot J. Peterman!  I spot Tia Carerre!  I spot the Old Bachelor who made that blond lady cry!).

No, it was special for me because I got to watch the show in the company of my MG, who generally steers clear on Monday nights, leaving me with only my eighteen pound cat to assist in the evening’s sneering and snarking.

Poor MG was suckered in with the promise of some adobo chile burgers with queso sauce plus the joy of watching me open his birthday present, a kick-ass Food Saver V3840 vacuum sealer kit. From there, unfortunately for poor MG, it was all downhill.  He dutifully sat through last night’s two hours of streamers, sequins and fringe with kind of a sad, defeated look in his eye, much like I’m sure Audrina Patridge did.

The “Team Apolo versus Team Kristi” match-up featuring our remaining Season 11 teams really made no sense to me.  What about you?  Aside from some flat, scripted smack-talking to the cameras, what exactly did Apolo and Kristi do?  They didn’t choreograph the dances.  They didn’t oversee costumes.  They didn’t slam a big powerful Debbie Allen stick down on the rehearsal floor and spit out threats like, “You want fame? Well, fame costs… ” Hell, Apolo didn’t even put in a personal appearance when he and Kristi chose up their teams, grade-school kickball style (Kyle and Lacey were chosen last, making them the show’s official “asthmatic kids”).  He made his choices via video chat, and yet still managed to outsmart Kristi, who inexplicably made Bristol and Mark her first round choice, thus sealing her team’s defeat tighter than a Food Saver V3840 Vacuum Sealer Kit ever could.

Team Kristi = 24/30. Team Apolo = 27/30. Take that, figure skating!

The team dance-off had some decent moments, to tell the truth, but I’m not really about the filler.   I also found the addition of the celebrity judges (yes, even you, Gilles and Drew) in the individual dances particularly off-putting.  The set-up was that each competing team was required to re-interpret an “iconic” dance from a previous season while being judged by the celebrity who originated it on the show.  But of course, the celebrities did nothing but heap unqualified praise across the board and deliver overly-inflated scores, proven out by Bristol receiving her first 9 of the season for a tepid, by-the-numbers waltz.  Thank you, Kelly Osbourne!

Kyle Massey & Lacey Schwimmer doing the paso doble and judged by Mel B. – The only thing I found interesting here was the revelation that Mel B. was the originator of the now-infamous Tom Bergeron ass-grab. Was I the only person who thought Lacey had all the show-stopping moves and Kyle did little more than follow behind like a dutiful collie waiting for Lacey to release the frisbee?  I’ve never been a big Lacey fan, but I think she stole the show.  Kyle was merely an afterthought.  Nevertheless, the judges all took their happy pills in the green room, and Len called it Kyle’s best (cut to the audience – I spot Jane Seymour agreeing!).  Mel B. said she was blown away.  Bruno leaned forward and dramatically proclaimed Kyle an “untamed young bull,” which led me to spontaneously clinch my butt cheeks and quickly fold my hands into my lap.

TOTAL = 35/40 with a 10 from Mel B.

Kurt Warner & Anna Trebunskaya performing the tango and judged by Emmitt Smith – Witness Season 5’s Cameron Mathison in the front row hooting, hollering and popping out his eyeballs at every spin Kurt and Anna took around the floor.  See what comes from a good night’s sleep and a well-rounded breakfast, kids?  I was fully expecting Cameron to smack his hands against his cheeks and scream Macaulay Culkin-style at any moment.  Geez, down boy!

The most exciting thing to say about Kurt is that week after week after week he looks good in his wardrobe.  I also dug the secret agent pantomiming, and who doesn’t love Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistible”?

Beyond that, there’s not much more to say.  Kurt is the show’s miracle house plant.  No matter how little attention it calls to itself, no matter how much you choose to ignore it, it just continues to survive.

Bruno called Kurt “improved,” which at this point in the season equates to, “you move about as provocatively as the horsey ride out front K-Mart.”  Carrie Anne applauded Kurt for bringing the character to life (somewhere, Audrina and her mom are taking shots every time the word “character” is used).  Emmitt called it “very special,” which is about the nicest way of putting it.  Len gave Kurt a polite scolding for not knowing the difference between “flexed knees” and “bent knees,” but then didn’t think to actually explain the difference to anyone (cut to the audience – I spot Ashley Hamilton! Was he on this show?).

TOTAL = 34/40

Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas performing the waltz and judged by Kelly Osbourne – “You have to keep improving… and then maybe you can be the dark horse,” Mark advises Bristol. Look over that sentence… it’s not a compliment.

A standing ovation met these two for a dance that even MG labeled “boring.”  Carrie Anne accused Waffle-Feet of bouncing between swan and pigeon.   Bruno reminded her that she is not a professional dancer.  Len proclaimed to have enjoyed it with the conviction grandpa might demonstrate after a ten year old’s magic show.

TOTAL = 33/40

Rick Fox & Cheryl Burke performing the quick step and judged by Helio Castroneves – Rick, unlike Bristol, is ready to admit that his dances have lacked the element of fun.  Well, it’s hard to deny the man is looking to up his fun game when he comes bouncing out dressed as the Jolly Green Huggy Bear.  Thankfully, he quickly left the feathered pimp hat on Len’s head (I know Huggy Bear wasn’t a pimp, but I’m sure he went undercover as one at some point during the Starsky and Hutch run).

“Full throttle!” announced Len.

“Your best performance!” proclaimed Bruno.

“You’re the cucumber man!” declared Carrie Anne

“Poor The Situation” added MG, sadly.  MG knows The Situation is no longer on the show.  He’s just a fan of saying, “Poor The Situation”

TOTAL FOR RICK AND CHERYL – 37/40

Brandy & Maksim Chmerkovskiy performing the foxtrot as judged by Gilles Marini – Fred and Ethel have really shaped up their game, plus it’s hard to not look hot when you’re accompanied by the song “Fever.”  There was really no downside to their performance.  Even the black, red and leopard thing leaping through their matching wardrobe was smoking!

Bruno drooled like he was watching an episode of “Zane’s Sex Chronicles” on Showtime. Gilles said he felt goosebumps but sadly declined to share where. Carrie Anne loved the balance between elegance and sexiness.  Len called it a “fantastic foxtrot,” then the room erupted into applause, but the only celebrities the director could find to cut away to were Erin Andrews and Jake Pavelka.  Apparently, Eydie Gormé and the kid from Free Willy were in the bathroom.

TOTAL = 37/40 – Surprisingly, Len was the only 10 out of the bunch.

Jennifer Grey & Derek Hough performing the tango as judged by Drew Lachey – Poor Jennifer is old and her body hates her.  Derek admits that he regularly forgets that she’s fifty.  How could you not, Derek?  Jennifer certainly doesn’t look fifty.  If she didn’t complain so much about her body always giving out on her, you’d never guess she’s actually older than Astroturf (look it up!).

Carrie Anne was on the verge of tears proclaiming this Jennifer’s “comeback week.”  Len praised the “attack.”  Drew began showering them with compliments but I went woozy at the point where he uttered the phrase, “suck it up.”  For Bruno, Jen was a “phoenix” this week.

TOTAL = 37/40

HIGH SCORES OF THE NIGHT – Brandy and Maks tied with Jennifer and Derek

LOW SCORES OF THE NIGHT – Bristol and Mark

WHO’S GOING HOME? – Oh, please… can we all just agree that Waffle-Feet needs to be packed in bubble wrap and dropped onto a slow boat to Wasilla?

What did you think?  Did you get enough cutaways to Donny Osmond, Harry Hamlin, and Evan “I’m a Real Boy!” Lysacek throughout the evening? Any idea what the hell it was Brooke was wearing?  Any clues to the mystery of the missing Season 6 cast?  Let me know.  I’ll be over here vacuum-sealing produce and counting the hours to the prestigious “quarter finals” next week!

And finally, just in case the producers of Dancing with the Stars happen on by, I’d like to plant this first sentence from a current article in the CNN Entertainment section as a possible casting suggestion for next season.

“Randy and Evi Quaid insist they aren’t mentally unstable, using drugs or lying about being pursued by a mysterious and deadly group of celebrity-extorting assassins.”

Tags: Anna Trebunskaya, Audrina Patridge, Brandy, Bristol Palin, Brooke Burke, Chelsie Hightower, Cheryl Burke, Corky Ballas, Dancing with the Stars, David Hasselhoff, Derek Hough, Florence Henderson, Jennifer Grey, Karina Smirnoff, Kurt Warner, Kyle Massey, Kym Johnson, Lacey Schwimmer, Louis Van Amstel, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Margaret Cho, Mark Ballas, Michael Bolton, Mike Sorrentino, Rick Fox, The Situation, Tom Bergeron, Tony Dovolani