Watching Dancing with the Stars – October 25, 2010

It’s “Rock Week” on DWTS, and if Tom Bergeron didn’t mention it enough throughout the two hours of proceedings (which were about ninety minutes too long), then perhaps you were clued in by the excessive spark, flame and steam spurts that showered the entire evening.  I happened to be watching tonight’s show alongside master illusionist David Copperfield and even he threw his head back at one point and yelled out, “EX-CESS-IVE!”

I know ABC has no intention of paring Dancing down to a single hour as the competing couples begin to dwindle, even though it’s obviously needed.  But please, I beg… fill the excess time with the professional dancers.  We like to see them.  They like the exposure. There’s no other show on network television showcasing ballroom dancing.  You’ve got the talent under contract.  USE THEM!!!

I don’t need a countdown of the ten most memorable dances of the previous seasons (though it’s true, I will never look away when Apolo Anton What’s His Name is shaking his boom-boom across the floor).  I don’t need Brooke Burke to be given more lines.  I just want to be entertained.  That’s all master illusionist David Copperfield wants too.  Why deny us?


Audrina Patridge & Tony Dovolani – The Flat Tummy Twosome led off the night (if you can call it that… the first dance started 35 minutes into the show) with a pasa doble, and apparently Audrina should not be looking to replace Helen Hayes as the “Queen of the Stage” anytime soon.  She was, yet again, called out by Carrie Anne, Len and Bruno for her inability to “inhabit a character.”

Here’s something I’ve discovered about Audrina’s dancing: I never know there’s anything wrong with it until the judges tell me there is.

Compare her to Jennifer Grey or Brandy. Can you really tell which one “inhabits a character” better?  When it comes to Audrina, I’m just happy to see someone who can bend, glide and strut without embarrassing herself and isn’t actually more appealing dressed head to toe in a gorilla suit.

Is it just me, or are the judges just too darn nit-picky with our poor little Audrina?

TOTAL = 24/ 30

Kyle Massey & Lacey Schwimmer – With the exception of The Alaskan Gorilla Girl, there is no dancer I am less interested in than Kyle, which I don’t really even get considering week in and week out he’s a total crowd pleaser.  Tonight, once again Kyle brought everyone in the room to their feet with his and Lacey’s tango, and once again I was completely bored and baffled.

I don’t dislike these two, so much as I can’t maintain any attention on them.  It’s almost as if they clearly present themselves as non-contenders week after week after week, so I use the time to talk to my cat in stupid voice and make my mental Christmas list (What would you have, Twickles?) until they get voted off.

There is zero heat between them, and they’re generally costumed ridiculously (how much of a say do they have in their wardrobe?).

At least this week, they were not happily displaying their “trunk junk.”  Do the kids still say “trunk junk?”

Carrie Anne called their carriage “amazing,”  I have no idea what that means.

Bruno and Len both raved about Kyle’s vast improvement.  He looks to same to me every week.

TOTAL = 23 / 30

Jennifer Grey & Derek Hough – Tom really loves to rub it in about Jen and Der losing their place at the top of their leader board, doesn’t he?  But I think we all know it’s only a matter of time before Baby is back on top.  But it won’t be this week.  The Wonder Bread Twins seemed to be about eight steps ahead of the music.  Have you ever run so hard and so fast that you needed at least fifty feet in order to return to a still position?  That was them. They might as well have thrown in some plate-spinning and fire juggling for the amount of mania they demonstrated.

Ugh… why is Melanie Griffith in the audience?  Does she want to be on this show?  I am not happy about this.

SLAM!  Worst scores for Jen and Der ever.  That’s like when the brainy girl in grade school with the coke bottle glasses inexplicably gets a C+ on a science test.  Yes, Molly McNamee from fourth grade, I’m thinking of you.

TOTAL = 20/ 30

Rick Fox & Cheryl Burke - Let’s all just forget that last week these two were forced to dance to the theme from TV’s Hill Street Blues and then got slammed for their dance lacking romance. Have you ever heard the theme from Hill Street Blues?  And remember the accompanying images in the title sequence of grimy, rain-soaked squad cars tooling around garbage can-infested neighborhoods?  Ah, to be young and in love!

Geez!  Rick looks like a henchman from a Bond movie this week.  What shall we call him… “Gripper?”  ”"Death Knell?”  ”Obama Care?”

And he had the scowl to go with it.  Was there supposed to be romance this week?

Len called it “excellent,” but it seemed to come with unspoken reservations.  Bruno and Carrie Anne both loved it, though Carrie Anne commented on Rick looking a little “stern.” Stern?  That’s an understatment.  He looked like he was just waiting for the appropriate moment to snap Cheryl’s neck!

And there’s Martha Stewart in the audience.  Would she possibly stoop to compete on this show?  That I would never miss.  What about you?

And for that matter, what about Pat Boone?  See my previous post.

TOTAL FOR RICK AND CHERYL – 24 / 30


Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas - Bristol is still making apologies for bombing in her gorilla suit last week.  She openly admits to Mark that she performed so poorly because she didn’t go “full out,” to which Mark politely asked, “go full out all week… please.”

They performed an underwhelming tango that was more about proving Bristol could actually remember basic steps then it was about her proving she could actually do anything interesting with them.

And the “break from the dance for an air guitar moment?”  She gave up halfway through that, too.

It would be too easy to point out that quitting seems to run in the family, but seriously, Bristol is making it pretty clear she doesn’t even want to be on this show.  Can we please put her out of her misery this week?

For Bruno, it was her best performance.  Carrie Anne called it “ridiculously amazing.”  Len docked them a point for breaking their hold.  Now, if anyone still has this episode on their DVR and wants to witness the judges dropping their standards severely for Bristol, watch Audrina’s dance again along with the judges comments and see if you think all these “stars” get the same treatment.

TOTAL = 23/ 30


Kurt Warner & Anna Trebunskaya - I had to rewind to make sure I heard Tom introduce Kurt correctly: “A football star who tied third from the top last week,” is not exactly high praise, but somehow Tom made it sound way more impressive than it actually was.

Kurt’s definitely got the spirit of an athlete.  He seems like he’s willing to work as hard as he has to in order to perform well. And he seems like a nice guy, too.  He definitely does NOT seem like someone who gives a crap about improving as a dancer.  Doesn’t it all just seem like a lark to him?  Which it probably is, but it makes me less interested in pulling for him.

Their pasa doble, unfortunately accompanied by “The Final Countdown” (was anyone else envisioning Will Arnett performing magic?), was slow and simple.  Kurt’s a lot of things, but a dancer’s not one of them.  He could have been voted off week one, or he may last until the finals.  He’s like Velveeta.  As long as you want him around, he’ll be there, but he’ll never make you forget the real thing.

TOTAL = 18 / 30 – met with boos from the audience, but that might have been for Melanie Griffith.


Brandy & Maksim Chmerkovskiy – another ugh… these two are still around?

Not surprisingly, Fred and Ethel are fighting again this week in rehearsal.  Brandy needs Maks to be more patient.  Maks needs Miss B. to step up her concentration and determination.  It culminates in Brandy leaving the rehearsal space with her face away from the camera so the editor can add in the sound of a girl sobbing and therefore create drama where real life gave us none.

And though I mock it, if I were a producer on this show, I would have wanted the same thing.

But I’m not going to let that interfere with my dislike of these two.  There’s entirely too much attitude between them.  And whether they’re playing “hurt,” “anticipation” or “joy,” it always comes off as totally calculated.

As for the tango, Brandy was guilty of a little too much “anger face,” but it was hard to deny the heat.

TOTAL = 26/30 - Highest score of the night.  I guess they’re contenders.


Lastly, let’s not forget about the time filler that was the Rock and Roll Dance Marathon. “Legal lifts are allowed!” Tom prolcaimed.  I don’t know what that means, but see how happy it made him!

Considering it started with approximately 8 minutes left in the show, it wasn’t exactly They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? (anyone?  ANYONE?).

But it was fun to watch the stage managers chase after the pairs that had been eliminated but didn’t know it and continued to blindly prance around in desperation, like little pageant contenders.

And surprise… it came down to Jennifer & Derek and Brandy & Maks.  Isn’t that really where we seem to be headed anyway?

Brandy and Maks were the last pair standing. Jamie Lee Curits did not seem happy about that call.  Did you see?  Clearly, she was as impressed with Derek’s crotch grabbing as I was.  Even David Copperfield stood up and cheered.


HIGH SCORES OF THE NIGHT – Brandy and Maks, second week in a row

LOW SCORES OF THE NIGHT – Kurt and Anna

WHO’S GOING HOME? – I’d like to see Bristol and Mark pack it in, but since she’s lasted this long, there must be a lot of moose out there voting for her, so I’m going with Kurt and Anna.


And what did you think?  Would you tune it to watch Melanie Griffith compete on this show? What about Martha Stewart?  

And what about this Skating with the Stars, the promos for which I started seeing tonight during DWTS?  I was hoping I might get a break from Monday night blogging once we wrapped for the season, but for this apparent train wreck, I may need to re-commit.  Do you think Tonya Harding would be a part of it?  Man oh man, I might quit my job just to be able to recuperate on Tuesday mornings for that kind of all-messed-up!

Tags: Anna Trebunskaya, Audrina Patridge, Brandy, Bristol Palin, Brooke Burke, Chelsie Hightower, Cheryl Burke, Corky Ballas, Dancing with the Stars, David Hasselhoff, Derek Hough, Florence Henderson, Jennifer Grey, Karina Smirnoff, Kurt Warner, Kyle Massey, Kym Johnson, Lacey Schwimmer, Louis Van Amstel, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Margaret Cho, Mark Ballas, Michael Bolton, Mike Sorrentino, Rick Fox, The Situation, Tom Bergeron, Tony Dovolani