Watching Dancing with the Stars – September 27, 2010

My god, is it hot in Los Angeles!  A record-breaking 113 degrees downtown today!  The backs of my legs are sweating.  My phone is sticking in the palm of my hand.  I rubbed a frozen bottle of vodka over my sleeping cat’s stomach to see what he might do. He purred and turned to make his stomach more available to me.

I bet they’re nice and air-conditioned in that there Dancing wit the Stars studio tonight.

You think Hasselhoff is watching?  The guy’s got to be feeling the sting of being ousted before the likes of Audrina Patridge,  Bristol Palin and The Situation, right? It’s one thing when you at least lasted long enough to see others drop before you, but The Hoff went first!  He’s this season’s Augustus Gloop!  Can’t feel good.  But he can at least take comfort in the fact that he didn’t end up on his hands and knees barking in a dog house for millions of home viewers to see.

First on the floor tonight is Rick Fox & Cheryl Burke – Rick earned his “contender” stripes for his sleek jive, but I still think he and Cheryl’s height difference just makes them look plain awkward no matter how well they’re executing their steps.  Considering nothing but nearly positive comments from the judges, I would have expected his score to be a little higher, wouldn’t you?

TOTAL = 21

Florence Henderson & Corky Ballas – Florence looked quite elegant in all black, and she didn’t wimp out with a routine that was light on moves and heavy on cheekiness like a lot of seniors do when they compete on this show.  No no, Florence was really moving those feet!

As for the judges, Bruno equating Florence with Driving Miss Daisy was downright obnoxious. And how about Florence’s face? She looked ready to tear over there and snatch the rug right off his head.   Carrie Anne was a bit kinder and complimented the ambitiousness of the routine.  King Len gave her the big thumbs up, even if his score of 6 didn’t exactly live up to his level of praise.

And I’ll give Florence this… the girl knows how to showcase a gam.
TOTAL = 19

Brandy & Maksim Chmerkovskiy – Apparently, Maks isn’t happy unless he’s either ripping off his shirt, bossing around his partner, or patting himself on the back for not being an asshole.  I think he thinks it makes him look fiery or something.  It’s getting tired of the frustrated stud routine, aren’t you?  Someone get me Derek Hough.  Maybe Maks needs a season off.

Brandy’s looking a little creepy in those leggings and pink sequined schoolgirl outfit. To make matters worse, she and Maks were super sloppy.  Carrie Anne called Brandy out for not pointing her toes.  Len called it “brittle” and “a step back.”  And did you notice how quickly Brandy sold out Maks when Len criticized her solo moments on the floor?  There’s no “I” in teamwork, Moesha!

TOTAL = 21 – plus our first “Mama Grizzly Sighting” of the night

Michael Bolton & Chelsie Hightower – After getting a 16 last week, Michael proclaims that “the only way to go is up!”   Hey, who’s that crawling out of a dog house on all fours in pursuit of a bone?  That’s platinum-selling artist and Grammy winner Michael Bolton on his 2010 “Which Way is Up Again?” tour!

I swear there were a couple times where Michael looked like he was just gonna give up right there in the middle of the dance.  He probably should not have fought that impulse.

Len said the performance needed a pooper scooper.  Bruno suggested he crawl back into the dog house.  Carrie Anne called it “awkward.”  Tom Bergeron finally had to step in to put a stop to the thrashing and allow Michael a quick getaway to the “celebrequarium” before Sarah Palin managed to pull that giant head of rotting lettuce out of that cat suit she was wearing.

TOTAL = 12!  Wow!  I didn’t even know they made paddles that said 3 on them!  That’s amazing!

Audrina Patridge & Tony Dovolani – I said it last week and I’ll say it again… Audrina’s definitely got the body of a dancer. She just doesn’t have the moves of one.  She looks like she got her hand caught in the saddle while dismounting and the horse started to run, leaving her no choice but to run alongside.  The judges were certainly seeing something more than I saw.  Not impressed at all, but it could be heatstroke on my part. Did I mention it was 113 degrees today? My eyeballs are sunburnt.

Tony said that if they didn’t pull at least three 8′s this week, he’d wax his legs.

Carrie Anne = 8
Len = 8
Bruno = 7 (Was it just me or did Brooke not understand what this meant?)

Jennifer Grey & Derek Hough – If the world can forgive the nose job, I can forgive Jen’s pulling out the Patrick Swayze card on WEEK ONE! Last week, I was so repulsed by that move that I couldn’t focus on whether or not Jen could dance. So this week, I gave her performance some extra attention, and guess what? She can dance! And I still don’t care much for her.  I guess it’s just that I have never seen Dirty Dancing, so Jennifer Grey means less to me than any other “star” on this season.

And why is freakin’ Jamie Lee Curtis so happy for Jennifer? And why do they keep cutting away to her as Jen gets her props from the judges? Is there something I’m missing?

And did the booing in the ballroom as Brooke was interviewing Derek and Jennifer  have anything to do with Sarah Palin, or was it just a coincidence that they immediately cut to Tom sitting side by side with Mama Grizzly for her pre-Bristol interview?  Hmmmmm.

TOTAL = 24

Margaret Cho & Louis Van Amstel needed to make some serious restitution after last week’s failed “comedy dance” fiasco.  Correctly, Margaret chose to weep about finally finding “the dancer within” during her tape package in an attempt to garner some “serious points.”

And the dance?  Outfits aside, not too bad.  She moved well without looking like she needed to count.  She kept a smile on her face, and she always looked like she knew what she was supposed to do next.  She bobbled a little here and there, but she’s the first female of the night to look more like she was having fun and less like she was terrified of eating dance floor.  The routine was a bit repetitive, and Bruno was right about her lack of precision, but everyone seemed to agree that what she lacked in form, she made up for in fun.

TOTAL = 18

Kyle Massey & Lacey Schwimmer – Tying for second place last week, did Kyle make the mistake of setting the bar too high for himself too early in the season?

Nope, the guy’s just got the charm that no one else is bringing this season, which seems to be quickly dividing up into boring personalities with good technique and over-the-top charmers who totally lack precision.  None of the judges really praised Kyle and Lacey’s quick step, but they all still loved him.  Personally, I prefer the sloppy charms of Margaret and Kyle to the mind-numbing dullness of Rich, Brandy and Jennifer.

TOTAL = 22

Kurt Warner & Anna Trebunskaya - Ah, Kurt’s dancing to “Danger Zone,” by Kenny Loggins.  Hey, did you know you can see Kenny perform at the Pechanga Resort and Casino next month?  I saw a billboard for him coming back from Disneyland this past weekend.  Just giving Kenny some love.  He was the soundtrack to my adolescence, you know.

Kurt’s kinda hot.  He learned his steps well enough, even if he scored a zip on the confidence meter.  But he definitely looked to be having fun.  I wouldn’t mind a spin around the floor with him.

Ugh, more Jamie Lee Curtis.  I DON’T GET IT!  Is she campaigning for a spot next season, or is she friends with someone competing this season?  Someone enlighten me!

Carrie Anne told Kurt he reminded her of the uncle at a wedding who has a little too much to drink.  Len called him “much improved.”  Bruno called his dance “a cool jive.”

TOTAL = 21

The Situation & Karina Smirnoff – Yeah, we want to hate the slightly pigeon-toed Situation for immediately throwing shade on the idea of performing to Brian Setzer’s music. Do you think The Situation is a jerk all day long during rehearsals, or are those actually isolated moments presented to us without any counter-balance so we all are just manipulated into disliking him?  If that’s the case, it’s a bit unfair.  Say what you will, he’s gotten more press in the last two years than Jennifer Grey, Brandy and Michael Bolton put together.

Can he dance?  No.

Did he look like he was having fun?  Sorta.

Was he giving it his all?  For sure.

Did Brian Setzer help?  It was the only thing the little Jersey shit had going for him.

TOTAL = 18

Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas – Mark is the only professional member of the show who apparently is afforded a travel expense account.  He got to go all the way to Alaska.  I totally bought into Sarah P’s enthusiasm for watching her daughter on Dancing with the Stars.  What mother wouldn’t enjoy that, right?  A totally harmless embraceable appearance tonight by Mama Grizzly, but I suppose that was the intent.

Oh, but Bristol’s dancing…  she could do just as well without legs.  The dip at the end was nice, but the whole dance was really more Mark doing the work and Bristol hanging on for dear life.  Bristol doesn’t bring much of anything to the show except a famous mother and a Pollyanna disposition.  And an EIGHT FROM LEN???  Apparently I was wrong.  There’s clearly NO cool air circulating in that studio.

TOTAL = 22

HIGH SCORES OF THE NIGHT – Jennifer and Derek

LOW SCORES OF THE NIGHT – Michael and Chelsie

Who’s going home? Well, if Bolton survives, he ought to stick with the dog house routine, maybe even start performing with a bone in his mouth.

As for me, I’m headed for an ice-bath and then I’m climbing into the refrigerator for the night.

Tags: Anna Trebunskaya, Audrina Patridge, Brandy, Bristol Palin, Brooke Burke, Chelsie Hightower, Cheryl Burke, Corky Ballas, Dancing with the Stars, David Hasselhoff, Derek Hough, Florence Henderson, Jennifer Grey, Karina Smirnoff, Kurt Warner, Kyle Massey, Kym Johnson, Lacey Schwimmer, Louis Van Amstel, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Margaret Cho, Mark Ballas, Michael Bolton, Mike Sorrentino, Rick Fox, The Situation, Tom Bergeron, Tony Dovolani