Break Out the Doxycycline! You’re in the Bachelor Pad

Image Credit: Craig Sjodin

I have not watched more than a single episode of any of the past seasons of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, so I come to ABC’s new Big Brother-Bachelor hybrid, Bachelor Pad completely free from any bias against anyone in this group of sweaty, horny little squirrel monkeys.

I do feel badly for poor host Chris Harrison though. He may or may not have something more than a “Hollywood plain-face,” but we’ll never know it from this show. Compared to the never-ending parade of tens (and occasional nines admitted in for pure comic relief), Chris comes off looking slightly less appealing than Nanny McPhee. But they’re paying him well, so the guy shows up. Props to the host.

“They’ll be living in the same house!” Chris warns matter-of-factly before adding, “and sleeping in the same room!” with the obvious suggestiveness of a superior mom at her son’s third birthday party. “We have cake… and finger-painting!”

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

First to arrive at the house is Tenley… over-exuberant, runs-on-her-tippy-toes Tenley who squeals whenever she sees a friend from her season of the show… or a good-looking guy… or host Chris Harrison… or a cameraman wearing a cool belt… or a fresh stick of Doublemint. Designed to be annoying and ready to break into tears at a moment’s notice, she’s sure to be around for quite some time.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Next up is Jesse B. (cue the knock-off version of “Bad to the Bone.”) He’s tall, he’s good-looking, he’s got great teeth. Designed to be drooled over and shirtless while saying something crude and giving high-fives within ten minutes, he’ll also be here for a while.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Natalie is unfortunately the second blond woman to arrive, and no one bothered to tell her that the “bubbly horny gal spot” was already taken. So while Tenley came off as merely irritating, poor Natalie comes off as irritating and a wanna-be, which makes her winner of the “Tramp Jan Brady” title.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Here’s David. Chris Harrison really likes to butch it up when he welcomes the guys. Lots of “hey man!” and slaps to the shoulders when he greets them outside the house, which is actually not a house, but a mansion complete with big pool, lots of liquor, cushiony couches, and a free clinic in the basement.

David’s got some sort of freaky-eyed lantern jaw thing going on. I think he’s a missing Baldwin brother. Don’t tell him I said that, though. I’m pretty sure he could beat me up.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Gwen is playing it coy.  She wears a t-shirt under her blouse.  The guys demonstrate a level of interest comparable to that of an dying cat with a shoestring dangling in front of its face.

Poor Gwen takes a few knocks for being slightly older too, though her age is not actually revealed.

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Christ, theres another Jessie! This one is Jessie S. Missing Baldwin Brother describers her as “bangin’”

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Here’s the guy they call “The Weatherman.” You know that annoying kid you would let in to your high school party even though you didn’t invite him because he’s kinda funny and might let you cheat off of him during your Latin final? Well then…

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It’s time for Nikki.  She calls herself “euphoric.”  She hopes to not see Juan in the house. Care to take a guess who shows up next?

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

When Juan arrives, Tippy-Toe Tenley bounces into his face like an Indian rubber dodge ball. Tramp Jan Brady reveals that the only reason Juan ever slept with Nikki was because he needed a place to stay when he was in Chicago. It might also have been just because Juan wanted to have sex with someone and Nikki was the closest, but the female mind tends to over-think things when it comes to men.

Anyway, Nikki’s got it in for Juan… and she’s willing to do, say, or sleep with whatever nine guys… or couple of chicks… it takes to send him packing.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Next up is Wes. Chris Harrison gives him a solidly earnest, “What’s up, dude?” like the towel boy sucking up to the first-string quarterback. Wes is apparently something of an ass-panda who dogs women, but I don’t know how that gives him a distinctive personality on this show.

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Make room atop the parade float! It’s Krisily! That’s K-R-I-S-I-L-Y if you’re maintaing a scorecard. Krisily likes to scrunch up her face, shrug her shoulders and give you the big “five-finger” hand wave like she’s riding around a killer whale at a Sea World show.

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Elizabeth has gone blond because blonds can “get away with being more ditsy,” She has the best line of the night: “Here I am… ready to open my heart… and win $250,000!!”

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Jesse K. arrives. Elizabeth and Jesse K. have some sort of on-again, off-again romance, but Jesse is here for the money and not for love.  Jesse is man enough to openly and honestly lay his motives on the line, to the camera at least if not to Elizabeth.

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Kiptyn is greeted with a “‘Sup, dude?” from Chris Harrison and another out-of-control scream from Tenley, who admits that if Kiptyn made a move on her, she’d “…explore that.”

By the way.. Kiptyn? Tenley? Krisily? Did the auditions for this show require that your parents step aside and let you be named by Gwyneth Paltrow?

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Next up is Ashley – Good god! How many people are on this show??! The balcony scene in Evita had a smaller cast. I’m already exhausted!

After Ashley comes Peyton. After Peyton comes Michelle, labelled the “crazy one.” After Michelle comes Gia, who has a boyfriend and is concerend about all the temptation surrounding her.  Was she not informed that the show is called Bachelor Pad?

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Finally, we have Craig, the man with the Goldilocks Hair.  He’s similar to the successful director Michael Bay, and sadly possesses the exact same amount of talent.  The “Weatherman” hates this guy. Does anyone know why? I don’t.  I guess I’ll find out.

And there’s your 2010 Bachelor Pad cast. Eleven chicks dying to be weekend field reporters on Entertainment Tonight. Eight guys looking for their big break into Showtime soft-core porn.

Let’s watch some TV!

The Bikini Mafia immediately holds a session and decides they’re going to get rid of Craig “Captain Goldilocks” first. To do that, they need to win the first competition – Swimsuit Twister. The winner gets an immunity rose, a date with three housemates of their choice, and a second immunity rose to present to the one of the three dates who blows him… er… enthralls him… best on the date.

I don’t think I really need to say more about how Swimsuit Twister played out, though I did snicker like an eighth grader when Chris Harrison asked if anyone needed “a reminder of what’s up for grabs.” When I was a kid, this stuff would have only been on cable!

Captain Goldilocks wins the competition and picks Elizabeth, Grandma Gwen and Jessie S. as his dates.  Why Grandma Gwen, who has gotten ZERO camera time since her intro gets picked is a mystery to me, but there’s no time to worry about that.  There’s other drama brewing.

Tippy-Toe Tenley stars a rumor that on the first night in the Crab Shack Bunk House, “Mad Woman” Michelle and Captain Goldilocks “hooked up” under the covers while the rest of the roommates giggled and peed their sheets under the night-vision camera lenses.

This is where we are reminded that this is still network television, because FINALLY when there’s possible action to be had, all we get are a few shots of confused house-mates looking around their beds in the middle of the night and some pathetic “smooching” sounds laid in before cutting away to a two-minute commercial for the new Drew Barrymore dating movie, Going the Distance.

I’m pretty sure Drew and I are around the same age, so the fact that she’s still playing the naive dating ingenue and expecting people to buy it puts me in mind of this show’s Grandma Gwen. Also, Christina Applegate seems to have inherited Bonnie Hunt’s career playing “uptight older sister,” which is a shame.  I hope she gets some better roles.  I really like her.

During a private moment, Elizabeth re-affrims her lack of interest in Craig “Captain Goldilocks,” but is willing to be “won over,” even though her heart still belongs to Jesse K

There’s near-firewroks on the beach with Elizabeth but ultimately, Goldilocks is unable to seal the deal. Meanwhile back at the Crab Shack, Jesse K. is worried that if the Bikini Mafia thinks he belongs to Elizabeth, they’ll see no need to keep him around and vote his “dudeness” off the show.

Ultimately, Craig awards his immunity rose to Jessie S.  Elizabeth quietly fumes because Craig didn’t woo her the way she wanted.  Poor little Lizzie and Grandma Gwen, the evening’s two rejects, are shipped back to the Crab Shack in the limo.  I think it would be funnier if they had to hitch-hike home, but ABC probably doesn’t want to take out that extra “serial killer” insurance.

Jesse finally decides to set the record straight with Elizabeth… like she hasn’t has a lousy enough day already.  Elizabeth again proclaims her undying affection for Jesse and attacks him for not asking her how her date went with Captain Goldilocks.  Then she tells Jesse that if he doesn’t proclaim his undying affection for her, she’ll rise up that there Bikini Mafia and get his ass thrown to the curb.

Jesse is not quite capable of comprehending the threat, or the fact that it was delivered in a sentence with multiple nouns, so Elizabeth has no other choice but to start crying and call out Jesse for not appreciating her, which I think is the point Jesse has been trying to make clear since he walked through the door.

Meanwhile, “Mad Woman” Michelle locks Tippy-Toes Tenley into the bathroom and threatens her with a Biore pore strip for starting the dreaded “Goldilocks hook up.” rumor. As predicted, Tippy-Toes falls immediately into tears making “Mad Woman” my one true hero of the night.

Down to the vote.  The women vote for the one guy they want gone, and the men do the same for the ladies.  The two with the most votes are sent packing.  Did the Bikini Mafia rise up against Jesse? Will Tenley’s tears be her downfall?  Will Grandma Gwen be sent to the big grassy field where she can run… and run… and run??


Nope… the two sent packing are “Mad Woman” Michelle and “Juan.” You remember Juan, don’t you? That guy that got next to no air time… the one that the woman with the brown hair you can’t recall didn’t like for some reason you can’t remember.

Seriously… who cares? If Juan was gonna be the first guy to go, shouldn’t they given him more of a story in this episode?

And hey… “Mad Woman” Michelle was just starting to get interesting, right? Is there another ballsy gal in the Bikini Mafia to take her place? So far, we’ve got nothing left but a bunch of snivelling wimps in two-piecers. One of these gals needs to develop some fangs… and fast.

What about you? Is Elizabeth too annoying for words? Do you want to see Tenley in tears on a weekly basis? Are you bummed like me that the men are in board shorts instead of speedos? Lay it out. I want to hear from you. It’s only week one! The Bachelor Pad has just begun.

Tags: ABC, Ashley Elmore, Bachelor Pad, Chris Harrison, David Good, Elizabeth Kitt, Gia Allemand, Gwen Gioia, Jesse Beck, Jesse Kovas, Jessie Sulidis, Jonathan Novack, Kiptyn Locke, Krisily Kennedy, Michelle Kujawa, Natalie Getz, Nikki Kappke, Peyton Wright, Tenley Molzhan, The Bachelor, Wes Hayden