Bachelor Pad 1-04: Cringe-Worthy?

If you only tuned in to tonight’s episode of Bachelor Pad because of the over-hyped live Dancing with the Stars “press conference” to announce the new season’s cast (did anyone see any members of the press?  I didn’t.), you may have found the roster reveal a little disappointing.  I however, did not.  After being made to suffer through nearly ninety minutes of Bachelor Pad’s tired old plotting, catty remarks, hysterical ranting and romantic dialgoue so clumsy Joanie and Chachi would opnely snicker at it, I was, for the first time in my life, happlily relieved to actually see Bristol Palin’s face on my television set.

Yes, Bristol assumes the Dancing “I have no idea I’m being laughed at” slot most recently vacated by Kate Gosselin.  The only way selecting her would have been anything other than completely tasteless and desperate would have been if Levi Johnston had been announced as one of her competitors.  Not only would people across the country have turned each week’s episode into an absolute event (“Teen Mom vs. Moose Cock.. there can be only one!”), but little baby Tripp would have been spared the chore of having to repeatedly explain the complex mechanics behind his See ‘n Say “Counting with Mickey” pullstring toy to mommy and daddy for a few weeks in the fall.

But… there will be no War of the Wasilla Roses.  What a missed opportunity.

But getting back to Bachelor Pad… last week, Cowboy Wes was singled out as the next one “heading for the chopping block,” a phrase the jacuzzi-going guys and gals on the show seem very fond of using, outshined only by, “There’s a target on my back!” and “No, no.  I got that from swimming in a public pool!”

ABC Bachelor PadPoor Cowboy Wes.  He threw in last week with Gia, who ended up getting the ax.  The “couples” in the house continue to survive while the outsider “singles” are… well… going under.

Tonight’s challenge was only original in that it was a new low in humiliating the female competitors on the show.  The residents of the Crab Shack were required to fill out surveys mandating they give “truthful” answers to nasty little fifth-grade questions about their housemates.  They were then brought together and asked to reveal not who they themselves had picked as the answer, but to correctly predict who they thought collectively got the most votes for each question, in order to secure this week’s immunity roses.

With a challenge like this, there really wasn’t any way the cast could keep themselves from looking completely like assholes.  But by far, the most humiliating moment had to be when they were all asked to reveal who they thought would be selected as the dumbest, and the overwhelming answer given was Grandma Gwen.

Now, I get it… it’s television, and they’re all competing for a quarter of a million dollars. I’d probably be readily nasty too.  And I get that Gewn didn’t have to accept the offer to appear on Bachelor Pad. And I also get that I’ve referred to her regularly here as “Grandma Gwen,” because she’s the only member of the house whose age is not only NEVER revealed, but smarmily replaced with “???” whenever her name is show on the screen.

But, consider this… Gwen has been given next to no airtime.  And in the few moments she has been featured, even when she’s saying something less than complimentary, she does so with tact with brevity.  So, as a viewer, I’m not really interested or satisifed in seeing her humiliated by all the douchebags sitting on either side of her.  Gwen has not demonstrated dumbness.  She’s demonstrated class.

I didn’t watch whatever season of The Bachelor originally featured Gwen, so I don’t know if she came off any different back then.  But if you want a viewer to indulge in watching a reality character getting taken down, you have to first establish that same reality character stepping on other people’s toes as they climb their way up.  That’s simple dramtic construction, and that isn’t what’s happened with Gwen.

So unless there’s a major “reversal of fortune” carefully being constructed for Gwen with a payoff in the weeks ahead, Bachelor Pad is guilty of just being plain nasty and unable to pull off any new twists within a rapidly staling format.

In the end, once again, two of the “outsiders” had their heads cut off in the rose ceremony. Cowboy Wes, a friend left he had none, and K-R-I-S-I-L-Y, who despite clawing and jumping around for attention like a crazed chihuahua, failed to ever garner favor or interest from pretty much anyone, bid adios to the Crab Shack.

By the way, did anyone else notice that, during the rose ceremony, the one voted “Worst Boob Job” in this week’s challenge, was decidedly demure?

I have one final question.  Who IS this person?

From one week to the next, I always forget her name because she appears even less than Gwen.  This week, I finally stopped bothering to refer to my previous posts in order to remember her name. From now on, she’s simply “Girl with Dark Hair.”

Anyone else feel that Gwen got a lousy deal signing up for this show?  Is “Worst Boob Job” just as much a victim, or is she getting what’s coming to her? Are we supposed to be surprised that three women are leaving next week, or can we assume that Bachelor Pad got an episode order for dramatically fewer weeks than the original housemate count could have possibly kept up with (the same reason Trump “suddenly and shockingly” decides to fire four candidates in one week)?

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