Bachelor Pad 1-03: The Resurrection of Sally Kirkland

Three weeks into life at the ABC Crab Shack and the Beautiful People are proving themselves less and less attractive with each opportunity they have to open their mouths.

Unfortunately, as a result of this week’s kissing challenge, open mouths were about all we saw for the first half of the episode.

Though I admit that I was not as bored with this episode as I was with last week’s pie-eating fiasco, this week’s kissing challenge, where each girl and guy left competing on the show was blindfolded and made to make out with all of the members of the opposite sex and then vote for “the best kisser” proved to have a real “ick” factor I didn’t see coming.

Was it the over over-eagerness of Tippy Toes Tenley and David “Missing Baldwin Brother” David to flap their tongues out in the air like pez dispensers on death row?

Was it Natalie, who proudly stated, ” I would make out with everyone in the house for… like… twenty bucks”?

No, it was probably the teary-eyed Gia, who reminded us all, between her endless whimpering about having a boyfriend at home, that she’s not really all that keen on a mass-male face-sucking bonanza.

And frankly, the fact that Gia was experiencing a repulsion – fabricated or not –  at the idea of having to make out with every single guy in the house, one after another, on camera, is actually pretty buyable, and it created an aura of realistic perversion from which self-proclaimed light-hearted summer programming like Bachelor Pad should avoid at all costs.

Gia ultimately pulled out of the challenge, citing the off-camera boyfriend.  It took about ten mentions of the off-camera boyfriend for her to actually make that decision, but it’s probably hard to think clearly with all that cocoa butter in the air.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Also bailing on the marathon lip-locking was high school teacher Ashley, who was afraid her students would lose all respect for her if they saw her making out with a bunch of guys, to which Jesse Kovacks’ response was, “Big deal. We all did it in sixth grade!”

Now, I don’t know where you went to school for sixth grade, but if there was a line of half-dressed men with numbers around their necks standing around waiting to make out with me so I could rank them in order of kissing ability at my school, I must have been hanging out with the priests in the rectory that day, because I missed it completely.

A few notes at this point… none of the women seemed particularly interested in making out with Weatherman Jonathan.  And the men felt more or less the same way about Grandma Gwen.

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

This does not bode well for either of them come elimination time, though Gwen’s next to zero camera time thus far on the show seems to indicate she’ll live to see the light of another demoralizing date challenge.

HornDog Weatherman may not fare so well though, especially after last week’s dreaded Speedo appearance.

The kissing contest did, however, provide one of the funniest lines of the night from Cowboy Wes regarding making out with the fairer sex: “(Girls) going in for the kill… for the attack… it doesn’t turn me on whatsoever … unless I’m absolutely hammered.”

Way to keep it real, Wes!
“Plain Jane” Peyton and  ”Missing Baldwin Brother” David took the titles of best male and female kissers, giving them immunity roses and an additional bullet point for their professional resumes.

For his date night in Vegas, “Missing Baldwin Brother” chose…

“Twenty Bucks is All You Need” Natalie,
G-rated K-R-I-S-I-L-Y,
and last week’s “Traitor-Against-Her-Own” Nikki.

David explains that he chose Nikki because she “has class,”
K-R-I-S-I-L-Y because “we’ve had our ups and downs and what not, “
And Natalie because “no matter what we do… I know we’re gonna have a good time,” which is probably about the nicest way to sum up Natalie’s pro column.

While Nikki and K-R-I-S-I-L-Y may be desperate to snag that immunity rose, only Natalie proves that “whatever happens in Vegas… my bikini top will definitely end up in the pool skimmer.”

Guess who wins the rose, and a night with David in the Fantasy Suite?

Seriously… this Natalie chick is one Oscar dress made out of paper clips away from being America’s next Sally Kirkland (anyone? ANYONE?).

Meanwhile, on the date with far less production value, Peyton takes Kiptyn, Jesse Kovacs and Jesse B. to the Irwindale Speedway.  Yes… the romantic Irwindale Speedaway… located squarely between the romantic love capitals of Monrovia and West Covina.

The Luxor, it ain’t, folks.

But I guess that makes sense because Peyton has hardly proven herself to be a Natalie in the “lack of underwear” department, so why splurge?

Amidst the swirling aromas of auto exhaust, burnt rubber and STP… Peyton and Jesse B. find love!  That leaves runners-up Kovacs and Kiptyn out in the cold.

The two losers have a heart to heart, “Uh… maybe aligning ourselves with Elizabeth and Tippy Toes in the house to try to get the other chicks to like us and not vote us off, uh… that may not have been the best plan… brah…”

Meanwhile, back at the Crab Shack, Gia snuggles up under the covers with Wes and cries about her fear of elimination and missing her boyfriend while drying her eyes against his treasure trail.

Wes proclaims his devout affection for Gia and swears like a mad man to do whatever he has to in order to keep her in the house, then sings her a song on his guitar about how love “don’t come easy,” which leads Gia to compare him to Shakespeare (…a better, cuter Shakespeare).

Elimination time comes around once again.  The “Cool Kids” target Gia and The Weatherman while the “Outsiders” aim for Kovacs and Elizabeth.  Who’s working with who? Who’s working against who?  Will Tippy Toes cry in this episode?  Does Gia have a boyfriend?… I can’t remember.  It’s all too confusing.

And in the end… sorry, Weatherman.. it’s shower curtains for you!  Your “only-average” muscle percentage and inability to carry a tune with your cheap guitar earned you no favors with the women of the Crab Shack. Sadly, you consistently came across like a guy who was always running around with it hanging out of your pants. That only works for guys over six feet tall with blond highlights.  You clearly only skimmed your 148 page “How to Make It on a Sleazy Dating Show” PDF sent to you by the network.

The women’s elimination came down to a tie.  From the men, Gia and Elizabeth both earned the same number of “Women I Wouldn’t Risk Impregnating” votes.  Congrats, gals!

Guess who won?

Sorry, Gia.  But on the plus side, you’ve got your boyfriend to welcome you home… unless you mentioned you were going to be on ABC’s Bachelor Pad and that he should watch, in which case, you might want to dust off that Craigslist ad.  Well, either way… loved the head band.

And what did you think?  Am I being too hard on Natalie?  Did Gia get what she deserved? Will you miss The Weatherman and his Speedo?  Will Gwen ever get a speaking part on the show?  Let me know what you think and I’ll hit you back with my response.

Tags: ABC, Ashley Elmore, Bachelor Pad, Chris Harrison, David Good, Elizabeth Kitt, Gia Allemand, Gwen Gioia, Jesse Beck, Jesse Kovas, Jessie Sulidis, Kiptyn Locke, Krisily Kennedy, Michelle Kujawa, Natalie Getz, Nikki Kappke, Peyton Wright, Tenley Molzhan, The Bachelor, Wes Hayden