Bachelor Pad 1-02: Pie Holes and Rhyme Fails

Only two episodes into ABC’s Bachelor Pad, and already, the tired old “sexy people in a house” story-telling formula is proving itself about as thin and obvious as the hairlines of the bachelors during the episode’s pie-eating challenge.

Not that summer programming hasn’t become routinely scintillating while relying on the same reality format everyone else is getting away with (set up alliances, show some skin, set up “secret” alliances, show people getting it on, present a Voting-Off ceremony no one could see coming because the pertinent information was not shown to us, dramatically announce that “the game has changed,” show someone crying, tease scenes from next week)… but come on!  When the highlights from this achingly stretched episode are watching “Tippy-Toes” Tenley upchuck “challenge pie” into a bucket, and Weatherman Jonathan parading around in a speedo the likes of which I have not seen since the 1970s Battle of the Network Stars, something has really gone off the rails.

Not even the beautiful bodies, hot tub flirting, or a round of shower nookie could keep me interested.  I’m sexier folding towels in the laundry room wearing my flip-flips and my 1997 DisneyWorld t-shirt.

In short, this week’s Bachelor Pad suffered from a severe “failure to titillate.”

In only week two, the entire occupancy of the Crab Shack has happily split up into “The Outsiders” and “The Cool Kids” – this is what the grown men and women on this show actually call themselves – not even reluctantly – but with the proud seriousness one might use when referring to themself as “Christ fearing,” or “Post-Op Transsexual.”

The girls in the “Outsiders” fear the “Cool” girls.  This is important for later.

Next up, a good old fashioned pie-eating contest to determine who earns this week’s immunity roses.

The gals were up first, and somehow, this should have been sexier than it was.  I think the editors moved too quickly from “girls eating pie” to “girls returning pie to buckets,” thus severely reducing the hotness factor.  Even the bachelors on the show were turned off.  I was turned off.  Hell, even my cat winced and jumped off the ottoman.  NOT FUN.  What was fun was watching Lunk-head David “Missing Baldwin Brother” clapping his hands through the whole thing and lamely shouting, “Push through it!”  like an eighth grade P.E. coach trying to encourage the asthmatic kid.

The pie-eating winners are… Gia “I’ve Got a Boyfriend and I Announce it Every Chance I Get” for the women…

Image Credit: Kevin Foley

…and for the men… Weatherman Jonathan… you know Jonathan… that guy whose head you gave a toilet swirlie to during Freshman Year… but by Junior Year you were sort of over it… so you left him alone… unless it was super-easy to trip him in the hallway in between classes and you saw no need to resist the urge… yeah, that guy… he won the pie-eating contest.

By the way… K-R-I-S-I-L-Y (yep, that’s how she spells it) announced that she had her gall bladder out a year ago, and has no way to digest fat, so she has to bow out of the pie-eating contest.

Now, I was once in a group of about 12 people being considered for the final 8 spots on a Sci-Fi Network reality show, and when you get that close to actually appearing, I guarantee that you are put through every kind of physical, blood, urine and mental test imaginable to keep the network clear of any and all liability.

So the idea that no one knew about K-R-I-S-I-L-Y’s gall bladder issue is doubtful (or really, utter bullshit).

But now, K-R-I-S-I-L-Y is worried that her head will be on the chopping block since she didn’t bother to participate in the pie-eating challenge. But I think she’s more in danger of disappearing because the producers have decided to show her looking dowdy on camera.  

Now that we know who’s free and clear, the first “Date Card” arrives.  And I have a question.  Why is it that the bachelor/bachelorette reading the date card ALWAYS does so as if it’s a poem… with big pauses at the end of each line… except it isn’t a poem… week after week… why are they doing this?

“Reveal your true selves… no brushes allowed… which three ladies will be joining you?”

They just end up sounding like a four year old who’s on the verge of comprehending the language on the front of a Pop Tart box.  STOP DOING THIS!

Weatherman Jonathan picks “Grandma Gwen,” Peyton, and Ashley, who thus far I know nothing about other than all three are part of the “Outsider Girls,” and Grandma Gwen looks a little like Stella Stevens (anyone? ANYONE?).

The date is body painting.  See below.  And here comes the Speedo shot.  You’ve been warned.

Out comes Jonathan in the Speedo. Apparently, there was some kind of issue with him and a speedo during his season of The Bachelorette. I couldn’t say I know what this is, but dude… seriously… lay off the Iron Man circuit training.  You need to bulk down!  Take my advice.  I was a “Top 12 ” finalist for a Sci-Fi Network reality show once.

Meanwhile, back at the Crab Shack, there’s an assorted amount of partying from the “Cool” Girls, while the “Outsider” Girls use a lot of words like  ”strategy,” “strategize,” and “strategizing” while wearing little to no make-up and oversized sweatshirts displaying zero cleavage.  So yes, they’d better strategize.

Jonathan and his three “Outsider” Girls agree to bond together and throw out the “Cool” kids, one by one. The name thrown around the most is poor old Kiptyn, which I guess is only fair considering the male-pattern hair loss and Harpo Marx ears he showed off during the pie-eating contest.

Next comes Gia’s date and another clumsy date card reading:

“Love is intense… now it’s time to pick… your date… which three men do you choose?”

Seriously, producers… these date cards need to rhyme, or at least have the same syllable count from one line to the next!!  Next week I do not want to hear, “It’s time to pick… your fantasy date… hurry… before you surpass the time allotted to you!”

The men chosen are Wes, Craig and Jesse Beck. Gia’s dirty trick is to pretend to put every guy’s name on a slip of paper for the final slot, but she actually writes “Jesse Beck” on all of them. The clever minx!  Unfortunately, this date is even more boring than the body-painting. It’s some sort of Moroccan-themed getaway which is bascially nothing more than a colorful tent planted in the middle of a park in downtown L.A… hooray for production value.

Gia swears to Craig “Captain Goldilocks” - up and down – back and forth – here and there – that he is definitely getting her immunity rose, but damn Gia! – she ends up rubbing some lavendar scented oil into the hands of hillbilly Wes, who in response, delivers a romantic soliloquy with the most inspired text of the night:

“Oh my God. That feels good. I love it…. I love it… I’m all… like… basted up. It’s awesome!“

Who could resist?

Now, Gia wants to give the rose to Wes, but she already promised it to Craig. What’s a minx to do?

Oh and by the way… Elizabeth and Kovacs get it on in the shower. We saw a shower curtain, we heard some cooing.

Also going down at the Crab Shack, David and Jessie S. are having a heart-to-heart in the “Pool of Unidentified Organisms,” and Jessie uses her feminine wilds to play both the “Cools” and the “Outsiders” against each other. That’s a dangerous game for you, little  Jessie S! After all, you’re no Amanda Woodward (anyone? ANYONE?)

Gia ends up giving her immunity rose to Wes, despite her earlier promise to Craig.  Craig and Jesse Beck play it cool.  See them playing cool below.  This is some serious bad news for Craig, who knows the “Cool” chicks want his ass gone.

K-R-I-S-I-L-Y uses Jessie S’s underhanded “double-agent” behavior to save herself from being voted out as a result of the “Gall Bladder Incident” by passing on what she knows about Jessie S. to Kiptyn, in the hopes that he’ll take it back to the “Cool Guys” and they’ll all turn on her.

So the “Outisder Girls” are going to vote Kiptyn out, and the “Cool Girls” are going to vote Craig out.

Chris Harrison returns to prepare the crew for the Rose Ceremony, and for no reason that makes any sense to me, it suddenly all comes down to Nikki. “Who the eff is Nikki,” you ask? She’s the girl who’s had next to zero camera time throughout this mess of an episode. She’s in with the “Outsider Girls,” but a personal friend of Kiptyn, who the “Outsider Girls” want to kick out.

What’s a third string character to do?

Perhaps throwing Nikki’s dilemma in at the end was supposed to be interpreted by the home audience as a “twist,” but because we care nothing about this girl Nikki, it comes off as nothing more than a pleasant distraction from Chris Harrison’s wardrobe, furnished exclusively by 31 Flavors.

In the end, Captian Goldilocks “Craig,” who was effed over by Gia, and Jessie “Two-Timer” S. got the boot. I thought the producers would have found a way to keep Craig around a little longer since he was such an anti-hero, but it was not to be. As for Jessie S., the only thing I recall about her, only five minutes after her being voted off, was that last week someone characterzied her as “bangin’.”  There’s your legacy, Jessie S. Good luck with that G-4 audition!

I don’t know what to do.  Bachelor Pad seems like a desperate, less-compelling version of CBS’S Big Brother, a show I’m already not interested in.  Do I stick with the Pad, in the hopes things will liven up?  Do you have anyone you’re rooting for?  I’ll give it another few weeks, and as long as I can be done posting and in bed by midnight, I won’t worry the way Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates had to with Gizmo (one last one for the movie geeks – anyone? ANYONE???)

Tags: ABC, Ashley Elmore, Bachelor Pad, Chris Harrison, David Good, Elizabeth Kitt, Gia Allemand, Gwen Gioia, Jesse Beck, Jesse Kovas, Jessie Sulidis, Jonathan Novack, Kiptyn Locke, Krisily Kennedy, Michelle Kujawa, Natalie Getz, Nikki Kappke, Peyton Wright, Tenley Molzhan, The Bachelor, Wes Hayden