Watching Dancing with the Stars – May 10, 2010

Barbie and Ken have left the building.
Yes, in the last two weeks, Bachelor Jake Pavelka and Prom Queen Pamela Anderson have been forced by you, the Dancing with the Stars home voters, to hang up their dancing shoes and wander back to Malibu to allow themselves to be “caught” cheese shopping in the middle of a Thursday afternoon by OK! Magazine.

Oh well.

Despite all the hype surrounding her joining the cast this season, Pam ended up in the bottom two more often than any other celebrity, so it was inevitable that she’d get the boot, despite being not half bad on the floor and giving the best smoldering volcano eyes of any female on the show against her.

As for Jake… he couldn’t dance much, but he knew where his bread was buttered.

A-hem.

And so, with Shannen Doherty, Kate Goseelin and Pam Anderson gone, the Dancing with the Stars Season Ten Dream House is left with a cluster of semi-celebrities and personalities whose names are often mentioned in the same breath with the phrase, “Wait, don’t tell me… I know who that is.”

That’s unfortunate.

Also unfortunate is the fact that the show itself continues to grow in length despite the dwindling number of competitors.  And so, hurtling to next week’s semi-finals, we were forced last night to labor through even longer, overblown tape pieces, an unnecessary “future dance” from two dance professionals donning silver from head to toe like rejects from Mr. Freeze’s crime posse… and hostess Brooke Burke multiplying by seven hundred the number of times she glares at the camera and warns, “don’t assume anyone is safe.”

Yes, I was a little bored tonight.  I don’t watch this show because I actually care about who will win a glamorous mirror ball trophy.  I just like watching the tabloid grabbers.  Kate Gosselin lumbering around the stage like an aged three-legged show pony was some of the best television I’ve seen in all of 2010!

And now that the evil axis of dancing divas has been totally eradicated, there are no more women that interest me.

Even worse, now that Jake and Aiden Turner are gone, there aren’t any other shirtless men I care to see.

But I’m in it for the long haul, watchers, eaters and drinkers, just like YOU!

And I’m praying for some surprises

Or at least a broken ankle.

And one more thing…

I’m sorry, but if Niecy Nash survives another week on this show, I swear I’m going to have to start my Monday night drinking two hours earlier, which means martinis on the treadmill.

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke - This week, all teams were required to learn two full dances.  First up in the ballroom round were Chad and Cheryl.   The double routine duty seemed to limit what Chad was able to master in the course of a week… and it showed!  It was one of those performances you hold your breath through, not because it’s so good, but because it’s almost – but not yet – on the verge of being Cop-Rock horrific, and you just pray the performers finish before it implodes all around them.   And thankfully, they did.

Chad and Cheryl were much more successful with their second dance – a jive that was definitely lively, even if it was drastically less ambitious.  But Chad’s crushed blood red velvet suit with the zebra pattern lapels was a bit much. He reminded me of a third-string henchman from the Filet of Sole scenes in Live and Let Die (Google it… after you Google Cop Rock).

I think Chad and Cheryl are still in it, though.  When they move right, it’s hard to take your eyes off of them.

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 45

Niecy Nash & Louis Van Amstel – I like Niecy. Her sassiness is fun and has been a definite zap to the collective Dancing with the Stars frijoles.

But to take a page from all my Jewish friends… “Oy!  HER I have to watch dance again??” (I probably shouldn’t mix Jews with Mexican food this late in the evening).

Anyway, the ballroom dance was again hindered  (I’ll say it) by the fact that there is a definite weight imbalance between Niecy and her partner, Louis.  Niecy needed to be paired with a taller male partner with a wider upper body.  She’s been fighting an uphill battle all season (and really, that’s just a guess.  What do I actually know about these things?).

But Niecy always musters through, and usually has a moment or two of flash in each dance.

Tonight though, there was none of that.

It was pretty… but not very ambitious, and certainly not the kind of performance that’s gonna get a so-so dancer into the final four.

Unfortunately, Niecy’s second dance, a nineties-style pasa doble, was even worse.  In those yellow and black costumes, she and Louis looked like two bumble bees trapped inside a pinball machine.

The judges agreed.

Carrie Anne even referred to them as “bumper cars.”

Maybe Niecy’s fan base will save her again, but it’s pretty clear based on performance that the time has come for this team to go.

TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 43

Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy scored their highest scores last week and still ended up in the bottom two, leading me to believe that Erin’s fan base is shrinking by the week, while Neicy’s is growing faster than even her “jiggly parts” can keep up.

Maks and Erin’s Argentine tango featured some nice footwork and a fascinating “spreading crotch leap” by Erin landing directly in Maks’ face (it was hot).

But beyond that, there wasn’t much else worth noting as far as I could tell.

I guess I don’t understand the subtleties of the tango because their performance snagged a 10 out of Len, and he’s the toughest cookie of all.

Next came a Miami Vice version of the rumba, which took me back to the pink paisley shirt with black suspenders and matching argyle socks I wore to Disneyland once when I was sixteen. If you happened to catch a vision of me in The Enchanted Tiki Room, I’m sure I’m still ringing through your subconscious to this day.  If I can find a pic, I promise to post it here.

Anyway, their rumba was just gross. And that’s exactly the right word for it.  And the wardrobe didn’t help. In their hard-sell eighties purple garb, neither Erin or Maks looked very good, nor did they look obviously cheeky in a way that clearly proclaimed “over the top.” They just looked my sister and her husband lazily dressed up for a neighborhood 80s Halloween party.

Plus, the dance was stiff, clumsy and boring, or as Len nailed it perfectly in one word, “jerky.”

And Maks, yet again hammed it up on camera during the judge’s review, which is becoming incredibly stiff and jerky in a way all its own.
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 53

By the way, what is up with Brooke Burke’s phony adoration for Erin’s crotch leap?  Her “That was soooo fun to watch!” was praise about as genuine as a kid who’s just opened up a Sears maple leaf turtleneck for Christmas.

Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya - Here we go.  Is it just me, or does anyone else expect Evan Lysacek at any moment to wave his wrists above his head and start singing “I’ve Got No Strings” with his favorite little cricket buddy by his side? Every week it’s like pulling teeth to get some real emotion out of this guy.

Evan and Anna’s ballroom performance was a drag.  It started okay with the two of them rolling around each other on the floor.  They just never should have gotten up.  From them on, it was forced and predictable, with the two of them twirling around endlessly like Christopher Atkins and Kristy McNichol in The Pirate Movie (Google it!).  At the end, Evan got deservedly spanked by the judges for his continual inability to open up emotionally in any way on the dance floor.

Later came their futuristic cha-cha. Apparently in the future, everyone will move with the mechanical preservation of Rosie the Maid from The Jetsons and paint their faces like drunken extras from the Star Wars Cantina scene. Despite the fog machine, which I personally never tire of, the dance was a total snooze. However, the judges applauded Evan on embracing a style that celebrates his naturally-robotic movements, and awarded him justly.
TOTAL FOR THE NIGHT: 53

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough - Oy vey… here come the Bubble Gum Twins! You know what I hate about Nicole and Derek?  There’s absolutely nothing snarky to say about them. Guess what?  They were awesome in their first performance of the night… again! Well, good for them!  They really deserve to win.  Remember that perfect classmate of yours in high school who was elected student body president?  And then voted homecoming queen? And later proclaimed “Most Likely to Succeed.”  And despite all that… you still really liked them?

Well… that’s Nicole and Derek.

But still…  I’d give my left nut if Kate Gosselin would just bust out unexpectedly on stage in the middle of their dancing and try to do a handstand!

In her rehearsal footage, Nicole tried to convince us that dancing is really hard for her.  Did she forget that just last week Carrie Ann labeled her the best dancer the show has ever seen?  She’s a Pussycat Doll for God’s sake! She dances for a living.  It’s awesome to watch them, but I feel badly for everyone else in this competition.  They’re trying so hard, and Nicole and Derek continue to dance circles around them.

If the judges were honest for half a second, they would admit that no one else holds a candle to these two, award the trophy now, and head up the coast for the next three weeks (I recommend Point Reyes, a few hours north of San Francisco).

Nicole and Derek’s second dance was a 1950′s inspired paso doble, and it was by far THE dance of the night. They really are incredible together.   And thankfully, the (sometimes) tepid DWTS vocalists took a rest on this one.  It was purely drums, bass guitar and horns, and it was HOT!

Really, I mean it.  From the hair to the costumes to the music and the moves, it was REALLY HOT!

Can’t you just see Maks grinding his teeth off-stage in the stupid “celebraquarium?”

Nicole and Derek were rewarded with five 10s overall and A TOTAL OF 59 FOR THE NIGHT

Top score: Nicole and Derek (no surprise)

Bottom score: Niecy and Louis (also no surprise)

Who’s going home? Even though she’s clearly got fan momentum, I’m placing my chips on Niecy and Louis.

What do you think?  Are Nicole and Derek a lock?  Is Niecy the next to say farewell?  Do you miss Pamela Anderson?  Is Evan headed to an inevitable encounter with Lampwick and Monstro the Whale?  I’d love to hear from ya!

Tags: Aiden Turner, Anna Trebunskaya, Ashly Costa, Brooke Burke, Buzz Aldrin, Chad Ochocinco, Chelsie Hightower, Cheryl Burke, Damian Whitewood, Dancing with the Stars, Derek Hough, Edyta Sliwinska, Erin Andrews, Evan Lysacek, Jake Pavelka, Kate Gosselin, Louis Van Amstel, Nicole Scherzinger, Niecy Nash, Pamela Anderson, Tom Bergeron, Tony Dovolani