Watching Dancing with the Stars – April 5, 2010

Off the top of tonight’s show, Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke celebrated last week’s DWTS being the most watched show in America.

Yep.  Dancing is hauling in more viewers than American Idol.  But Dancing doesn’t actually receive the cred it deserves in the media, because, you see, Dancing skews older than Idol, so its numbers aren’t as valued, or so it goes.

That’s particularly unfair this year.  Because in the few measly weeks Dancing has been on the air, it has already eclipsed Idol in terms of entertainment value and legitimate tension.

If a choice needed to be made, I’d be firmly in the Dancing camp this season.  I can’t find a single interesting element on  American Idol outside of Crystal Bowersox.  And it’s painfully obvious that the judges sway praise from one sub-talent to another week after week to create some bullshit stakes that aren’t really there, and to make a case that there’s anyone outside of Bowersox who even deserves a place on the stage this season.

By contrast, Dancing has seen some fine drama right out of the box.  The viewers were the ones who threw divas Shannen Doherty and Pam Anderson into the bottom two last week.

The producers could not have been too happy about having to lose one of its three headline-grabbing queens (along with Kate Gosselin) in its very first week, but they embraced it.

There was no “we can save you” card that could be played by the judges to ensure more drama down the line.

The show seems to be ready to make due with whomever they end up with from week to week.  I applaud that.

The “Judges Save” option on Idol is complete crap.  If, after weeks and weeks of scouring the country for the best young talent, you can’t end up with twelve competitors who deserve a “save” the minute America votes them off, then why have it?  Out of thousands of auditioners, we’re talking about TWELVE singers.  They should all be knock-out unbelievably good.

I don’t mind the Idol manipulation.  Not at all.  That’s television.  I do mind the complete transparency of it.  You have to at least be clever about your manipulation.  If you’re not, you’ll lose about half your audience, and a dancing show on ABC will start spanking you in the ratings.

But back to Dancing.  This week it was “story night.”  Each dance had to tell a story through its dance, without relying on props or gimmicks.

And yes, there was plenty of transparency here as well.

Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya - Someone needs to coach Evan on how not to seem like he’s reading off cue cards during the “casual” interview portion recorded during rehearsals.  Seriously, he sounds like he’s trying to sound out the big words in a nursery rhyme.

Evan and Anna’s Quick Step was pretty good.  Evan’s pantomime “acting” was a little rough though, didn’t you think?  “Look at me… I’m upset. Where is my woman?  I can’t find her annnnyyyyywhereeee!” Arms thrown up in the air, begging a “wonk wonk!” sound effect.

Cut to Florence Henderson clapping in the audience.

Cut to George Lopez clapping in the audience.

Why?  I don’t know.  Cutting to random famous people in the audience is just a thing they do on this show.

Judges liked.  I liked.  Evan had kind words for Anna’s tutelage.   Everyone likes to see a team come together.  SCORE: 26

 

Buzz Aldrin & Ashly Costa – It’s time for Dance Fever meets Reader’s Digest.  Buzz calls himself a “slow absorber.”  But look!  He has a phone that takes video… and he knows how to use it! I’m impressed already.

Buzz is certainly committed, and you can see him trying with every step he takes, right?

But what else is there to say?  He’s really really bad.

But you can root for him because he’s not on this show desperately trying to make a name for himself.  He’s already done that, and in a pretty bold and spectacular way.  So, I think he’ll survive for a few more weeks.  He deserves at least that, right?

Len socked it to him, though.  Nice.  Someone needs to keep it real.  Buzz even agrees, and I think Len even knows it won’t make a lick of difference.  Buzz is safe.

By the way, the fact that there are a lot young people who might be Googling “Buzz Aldrin” and learning something new… doesn’t that make you feel good?

SCORE: 13… one point better than last week.

 

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower – Does anyone else think Jake is coming off like a jerk? He really needs to stop storming off during rehearsal every single f-ing week.  It’s not wooing anyone.  He’s complaining about not being able to handle a dance partner who looks and acts like she’s twelve.  Jake storms out.  Jake comes back.  Jake tells Chelsie that she’s disrespectful.  Chelsie apologizes to Jake.  Jake and Chelsie hug.  Even my socks have stopped buying this bullshit.

As for the “Walk Like an Egyptian” number, despite all the overload of Egyptian props (I thought props weren’t supposed to be a factor this week), it was still utterly dull.  Jake and Chelsie aren’t really a team so much as two people who are tossing each other around the dance floor.  And very telling… during the post-performance interview, they didn’t even look at each other after their scores were given. That’s body language, people!  They’re supposed to be a team! Normally, there’s a congratulatory hug or a disappointed arm-punch. Between the two of them… nada!  They both just begged at the camera for viewers to call to keep them in the running. Dislike.  SCORE: Who Cares? (If you do, it was 21)

 

Niecy Nash & Louis Van Amstel - Niecy basically calls out Prop 8 and makes a big play for the gay vote.  Now that Shannen Doherty’s gone, she’s clear on the segment of the audience looking for a new savior.  During the dance, it looked like Louis tried to pick Niecy up and couldn’t quite manage it, so he just twirled her around half an inch off the ground.

Did anyone else notice a struggle?

There was a lot of twirling in circles and not much more.  Dulls-ville, especially after last week, which was pretty damn good.  And once again, the Dancing with the Stars singers did nothing to help by allowing a couple of dying cats to take their place on vocals.

Post-performance interview, Niecy and Louis again state that people should be with who they want to be with, and that everyone should be allowed to get married. Okay, we get it… that was your “story” for the week.   SCORE: 21 In response to the score, Louis says “If we’re 21 weeks away from being able to love each other for life, that would be great,” earning both an official “Huh?” Award and a “Leave the Dead Horse Alone” Trophy all at once.

 

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke – Last week, they were abysmal.  This week, it’s the Pasa Doble.  Chad wins points for showing off his chest.  He’s no fool.  He needs the votes. He also came across as a lot more authoritative and masculine, which won’t hurt him either. However, he must be at least a foot taller than Cheryl, and they never really look like a pair.  He towers over her, and unless she steps out for some solo spinning, he completely swallows her up.  Bruno proclaims that Chad has “released the cracken!”  Ugh.   But much improved, Chad is.  The judges all agree.  SCORE: 20

 

Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood – Pamela has been sneering at the camera all night long.  Does she think this makes her more likable?  More familiar?  Someone who doesn’t care whether or not she gets votes?  What?

This week, Pamela will be playing the role of a gypsy flamenco dancer and performing a paso doble.  And during the rehearsal, in walks the one and only Charo to give her some tips. Charo really can move those hips, so isn’t this just a bit unfair?  Shouldn’t all the contestants be allowed advice from a Spanish hot tamale who can shake-it-til-the-world-can’t-take-it, even though she’s 59 years old (hey folks!  I’m choosing to believe Wikipedia here, okay?)

Pam had her game face on, but her dance moves seemed a little clunky and out of sync with her partner.  Bruno was way over the top telling Pamela that she’s really capable of “doing it,” but again fails to actually critique the dance she actually just did. Tom Bergeron gives a hard sell to make sure people vote for Pam (my opinion), but despite all this, the scores are not at all inflated: 21.

Memo to Jake and Chelsie:  Pam and Damian actually responded to each other after they were scored.  Watch and learn.  People will like.

 

Aiden Turner and Edyta Sliwinska – Aiden trots out his seven month-old daughter and waltzes her around the rehearsal space.  Good move, Aiden. Smart!  When in peril, bring out the toddler.  Grab that soccer mom vote!  He’ll need it, too.  Handsome, but I could iron my shirts on him, he’s so stiff.  Len nailed him for being overly-cautious in his steps. Bruno said he looked like a kid skipping around the meadow.  Carrie Ann tells him he’s a little too bubbly, but sees improvement. SCORE: 20

On a side note, Brooke Burke seems to be a little more relaxed this week, letting the teams speak for themselves and not feeling obligated to work in every word she’s rehearsed in her head beforehand.

I still miss Samantha, though.  What about you?

 

Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy waltzed this week.  During rehearsal, Max put a blindfold on Erin’s face to promote trust.  Erin’s response after putting on the blindfold… “I can’t seeeeee!”   Thanks for that extra special glimpse into your psyche, Erin!

Len told them they were boring.  ”It’s a waltz, sunshine.  There was too much going round and round.  More waltz!”

I like Len.  SCORE: 23

 

Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani - Buzz Aldrin is the only person keeping Kate off the bottom of the leader board.  Kate’s dancing “story” is how she feels about being chased about by the paparazzi.  Kate claims that she lacks the ability to “become someone else.” An acting coach is brought in and taps into Kate’s true feelings.  Kate wipes her eyes and refers to herself as a “masked face.”  Kate hits a punching bag.  Acting coach sees a breakthrough!  What will happen on the dance floor?

Surprise.  Kate’s still wobbling around like a three-legged gazelle who found an open jar of moonshine in the forest.  Off the top, she throws two bogus tabloids “exploiting her” in the air.  Defiant!  She wails around her fists in fury like she’s doing the “I’m mad as hell” window scene from Network.  Tony seems to have resigned himself to holding her as closely as possible to shield her from being seen by the judges.  Poor Tony.

Carrie Ann: “Odd… hard to watch.”

Len:  ”You look like you’ve overcome your nerves… to some degree.”

Bruno: “Next time… dance!”

Hahaha.  And I didn’t come into this show knowing anything about her.  People say she’s a bitch.  I have no idea.  But she just looks so mean all the time, like she wants to kill you with her icy glare and feast on your inners.

During the post-interview, Kate openly discusses the necessity of having to accept the fact that the paparazzi follow her wherever she goes.  Behind her, idiot Jake the Bachelor nods knowingly.  Yeah, Jake, way to relate., like you didn’t ask for the attention.  I don’t like either one of these reality fools. I want one of them off Tuesday night.  Sadly, I don’t think it’s gonna happen.  Kate’s SCORE: 15

 

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough - Clear the dance floor.  Derek all dressed up like a sailor boy?  I’d make some lewd comments about wanting to “salute” him, but I’m way too old for that.

Boy, these two are the biggest hams in the competition.  They’ve clearly embraced the confidence that comes with scoring highest with the judges last week.

During rehearsal, there’s some forced conflict and some bogus tears.  Ho… hum.  I wonder if Mickey and Judy will get their act together before “the big show in the barn.”

Well, again, Nicole is just a thousand times better than anyone else in this contest, and a pleasure to watch.  So where’s the fun in that?  I have nothing smart-ass to say.

The audience loved it.  But Len dresses them down… “NOT a quick step!”  He seemed pissed.

Bruno knocked them too (but still ended up giving them a 9 – how is that possible?). Carrie Ann knocked them for their lift and breaking hold… two rules broken, but she still loved them.  SCORE: 23

 

Top score: Evan and Anna

Bottom score:  Buzz and Ashly… again!

Who’s going home? Aiden and Edyta.  Boring dance, waltzing with an infant wasn’t enough for a sentimental steal, nothing else worthy of a remark, much less the labor associated with the dialing of a telephone.

What do you think?  Do Jake and Chelsie hate each other?  Is Aiden is boring as I think he is?  Is Brooke finally settling down in the “Celeb-riquarium”?

Tags: Aiden Turner, Anna Trebunskaya, Ashly Costa, Brooke Burke, Buzz Aldrin, Chad Ochocinco, Chelsie Hightower, Cheryl Burke, Damian Whitewood, Dancing with the Stars, Derek Hough, Edyta Sliwinska, Erin Andrews, Evan Lysacek, Jake Pavelka, Kate Gosselin, Louis Van Amstel, Nicole Scherzinger, Niecy Nash, Pamela Anderson, Tom Bergeron, Tony Dovolani