Watching Dancing with the Stars – April 19, 2010

Hello watchers, eaters and drinkers.  I’ve missed you these past few days as I’ve entered a mild period of cooking fatigue.  New recipes are not currently being given the spin in my kitchen, losing favor to old stand-bys and… well yes I’ll admit it, a few delivered pizzas.  A surprise 80th birthday for my dad on Saturday, followed by MG’s birthday celebration the next day led to lots of good eats, but none made by me.

Thank God we all still have Dancing with the Stars to sink our collective teeth into on Monday and Tuesday nights. I’m digging the show this season, though I still miss the drama that could have been if only Shannen Doherty were still around.  But I’m willing to set that aside. After all, it’s MOVIE NIGHT!   That means the “cheese-per-minute” ratio is higher tonight than on any other Dancing with the Stars episode of the season!

First up, it’s Niecy Nash & Louis Van Amstel doing the Jive to “La Bamba” and finally, finally, finally…Neicy has decided to ditch the somber heartstring-pulling in exchange for some sexy shimmy, a dayglo tequila sunrise frill-frock, and… is that… a smile, Niecy?

I’m still not wild about Niecy or her so-so dancing, and I don’t like that she fell back on touting her “jiggly parts” once again to get out the big girl vote. Save it for Dance Your Ass Off, Niecy. THIS IS NETWORK TELEVISION.

But most of all, I don’t like how Louis seemed to be irritated with Niecy for pointing out his slip-up on the floor in the post-interview after he had just pointed it out himself in front of the judges. She was trying to thank him for copping to it and not letting her take the blame. Did anyone else think he came off like a jerk?

The judges weren’t overwhelmed, but were at least complimentary, and I loved Len’s line: “there was plenty of bounce in your bazookas!”

SCORE: 18

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke got some tabloid tread this week out of the rumors that they may or may not be fooling around behind the scenes.

Unfortunately, that was the only interesting thing to be said about the two of them. Their painful Quickstep accompanied by some childish arrangement of “The Bare Necessities” was really embarrassing! Even my cat turned around and gave me the “Humm-a-nuh?” look. I guess when Chad and Cheryl heard their music would be Disney, they decided to go the route of two teenagers skipping atop a two-story float chugging down Main Street while 8000 tourists clap their hands against their churros and check their watches to see how many minutes until their Space Mountain fast-passes kick in.

SCORE: 18 – Niecy was way better and got the exact same score. Humm-a-nuh?

Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy – Erin and Maks are the “cute fighting” couple who need to be working at a bar in Boston where everybody knows your name. And ugh… they did pantomiming off the top. I hate pantomiming. It always looks like a made-up play your neighbor kids make you come and see in the garage. Erin waving her arms around wildly across the restaurant table: Hey come on, this song’s super keen. Let’s get up and dance! Maks waving her off: I’m resisting. I don’t want this. I enjoy menus.

The dancing was fine. As usual, he comes off great, and she comes off like someone trying to keep up with great.

At the end of their performance, Tom Bergeron commented on how cute they look when they fight, conveniently side-stepping any comment on the actual dancing.

SCORE: 22

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower - How does a good-looking guy take off his shirt, slide across a dance floor in his underwear and still guarantee that no gay man in the country will get off the couch to vote for him? I have no idea, but Jake managed to do it. Was it the way he awkwardly put on his pants after his tighty-whitey glide? Was it watching him execute the tired Tom Cruise Risky Business “Old Time Rock and Roll” leg kick that’s been lampooned about a million times?  Anyone remember when Ron Reagan Jr. did it when he hosted SNL years ago?  Doesn’t that say it all?

And what was the major trip-up Len mentioned that Jake beat himself up about? I watched his dance three times, and I didn’t see it. I guess I can’t tell the good from the bad with this guy. Well, at least he didn’t give any “tiger face” to the camera this week.  By the way, he and Chelsie still hate each other, in case you can’t tell.

SCORE: 23

Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood were assigned the Quickstep to Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5.” Ugh. More pantomiming. Pam as the harried 1950s secretary.
The choreography seemed pretty dull through most of it, and the cross over the chairs and table top was probably more clever in theory than it was in execution. No one can climb over furniture elegantly. Len called them on it, thankfully, because as usual, Carrie Ann and Bruno gave Pam a total pass.  Pam Anderson can be a lot of things, but she should never be allowed to be plain old dull. That’s choreographer Damian’s bad.

SCORE: 21

Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani - I’ve been watching Kate do the talk show circuit this week, and you sure get a very different Kate on those shows. With the likes of Jay Leno and Joy Behar, she comes off as sincere, hard-working and earnest. Here. she comes off as bored, bitchy and bland. So which is it? Let the world know, Kate, and maybe your new book will pick up some steam at the cash register. I don’t think anyone knows what to make of you.

Kate and Tony danced the Foxtrot to “Don’t You Forget About Me” by Simple Minds, the most depressed band since the modern rock era began. Yeah… that song just screams Foxtrot.

The best things that can be said about Kate’s dancing this week: 1.) she kept a smile on her face. 2.) you couldn’t see her counting out loud. 3.) her feet didn’t fall off the bottom of her body.

Oh, and also… Kate looks like she’s wearing Olivia Newton-John’s roller-skating outfit from the Xanadu album cover.

Carrie Ann: “There is some sort of… grace… that… is… forming”

Len: “It was neat and precise, but it wasn’t really a dance. It was a stroll.”

Bruno: “Dahling…I think Tony could have had more life {dancing} with a frock on a coat hanger” Boo-yah, Bruno!  Boo-YAH!

At least Kate has finally learned to keep that smile plastered on! But then in the post interview, she blamed her kids for taking her time away from rehearsal. I hate those little assholes!

SCORE: 15 – thinking Kate was wishing Buzz Aldrin was still around.

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough- This week, the Bubble Gum Twins danced the Tango to “Pretty Woman.”

Damn!  They’re just a billion times better than anyone else.  Did I say that last week… and the week before?   They can actually execute complicated, elegant, precise moves… and they’re gorgeous together.  And they’re so good-looking.  And they’re pretty. And they’re sexy. And they’re attractive. So many reasons to hate them.

Len called it the best dance of the season so far. Bruno hasn’t been gayer yet in his praise. Carrie Ann called them “superstars.” I’m suspecting the first 30 of the season. And it’s…

SCORE: 29 - Damn that hold-out Len!

Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya – Evan’s getting cuter every week. Are they doing something to him? Pumping him up with some sort of pheromone? He’s even loosening up in his interviews. I don’t get it. Have I just been missing something, or is he really chilling out a bit? I think by the end of this season, I may firmly plant my flag in Camp Lysacek.

By the way, during his pre-dance tape package, Evan informed us that he’s splitting his time for the rest of the season with the “Stars on Ice” Tour… whatever the hell that is.

The dance was even kind of hot this week. Was it Anna’s choreography? Evan’s tight shirt? The way the singer who performed “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” made it a point of missing every single high note possible? Not sure, but the judges had to head to “Club Nit-Pick” to find anything negative to say.

SCORE: 27

And what have we got?

Top score: Nicole and Derek

Bottom score: Kate and Tony

Who’s going home? I’ll stick my neck out and predict that Kate’s talk show saturation this past week has given her fans enough to keep them from feeling the need to flood the show with votes. Aside from them… Jake and Chelsie?

What do you think? Was I the only one turned off by Jake’s thighs? Did Pam put you to sleep? Are you as resentful of Nicole and Derek’s good looks and grace as I am? I’d love to hear from ya!

Tags: Aiden Turner, Anna Trebunskaya, Ashly Costa, Brooke Burke, Buzz Aldrin, Chad Ochocinco, Chelsie Hightower, Cheryl Burke, Damian Whitewood, Dancing with the Stars, Derek Hough, Edyta Sliwinska, Erin Andrews, Evan Lysacek, Jake Pavelka, Kate Gosselin, Louis Van Amstel, Nicole Scherzinger, Niecy Nash, Pamela Anderson, Tom Bergeron, Tony Dovolani