Well, my DWTS mojo has not been the best so far this season. My apologies if anyone put money down on Shannen Doherty or Buzz Aldrin to survive to week four based on my assessments.
You can send me a bill for your losses, but you can hardly blame me.
I thought for sure both Shannen and Buzz would have survived longer than the bland Aiden Turner, the desperate Jake Pavelka, and Kate Gosselin unleashing her interpretive I Am Sam dance style across the ballroom floor, didn’t you?
Yet of the nine teams left standing on the show, some of the dullest movers and shakers are still alive and well. This week, it was the rumba and the tango, plus… look out! It’s “double-score showdown” week, which means the teams received two separate scores – one for technique and one for performance. Which of the celebrities seems most likely to use this splitting of scores to their advantage? Who can make up for lack of precision with sexy too-hot-to-stop dance floor hijinks? Say it together with me…. Pamela Anderson.
Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy led the way with the first tango of the night. Maks is worried about the stress the rehearsals are putting on Erin’s back. The doctor is called in to add false tension and sputter words like “contusion” (translation… a bruise) and “muscle spasm” (translation… a cramp). Erin is definitely a spitfire in head-to-toe red, and the judges were relatively kind, but Erin is suffering from having a partner a thousand times more charismatic and interesting to watch. Erin looks like she’s just trying to keep up.
PERFORMANCE SCORE: 21
TECHNIQUE SCORE: 18
TOTAL: 39 out of 60
Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya – What Even lacks in enthusiasm, he sure makes up for in focus. He started strong and really seemed confident from beginning to end. This is the first week I’ve actually found him interesting. Evan earned praise from Len for his Viennese crosses and even an instant replay for those of us who had no idea what the hell a Viennese cross is. Sadly, during his post-performance interview, Even returned to being about as lively as a donut hole.
PERFORMANCE SCORE: 26
TECHNIQUE SCORE: 26
TOTAL: 52 out of 60
Niecy Nash & Louis Van Amstel – I am less of a fan each time I see these two. Last week, there were the muddled, forced comments about gays and the right to marry, and this week Louis points out that Niecy is performing tonight’s dance in honor of her brother who died 17 years ago. Okay, I can respect that, but in the post-comments, they bring it up again.
I don’t know. I love my siblings, but if I lost one of them, I don’t think I’d like to talk about it on a dance competition show. I’d worry people might think I was using a sibling’s death to elicit a sympathy vote. On the other hand, if I’d passed away and my brother or one of my sisters wanted to use my memory as a way to scare up some bonus votes, I’d be all for it. I’m not saying that’s the agenda here, but it’s a fine line to walk and I don’t think the necessary subtlety was apparent. And when that’s lacking, it’s kind of a turn off.
Finally, it happened last week and it happened again tonight. Louis looks like he’s really uncomfortable trying to pick Niecy up. It’s no fault of hers. I think he’s the wrong partner for her.
PERFORMANCE SCORE: 18
TECHNIQUE SCORE: 18
TOTAL: 36 out of 60
Aiden Turner and Edyta Sliwinsk – by far the most uncomfortable dancer in the competition is Aiden Turner. Not horrible, and not good. Just largely forgettable each week. The cameras followed Aiden to a soap star fan cruise where Aiden allowed his shirt to be ripped off and then paraded around his oh-so fine physique while dancing impromptu on the ship’s deck. Edyta hoped that it would do something for Aiden’s confidence.
Having to routinely stare at my own chest and stomach in the bathroom mirror, it did nothing to boost mine.
When a judge begins a critique with, “Let’s start with the positive…” you know you’re in trouble. No one was impressed. Aiden was accused of lacking flow and musicality. Tom loved the outfit. That’s about as good as it got for poor Aiden, who seemed to take every knock with a smile. That might help him with the phone votes.
PERFORMANCE SCORE: 18
TECHNIQUE SCORE: 15
TOTAL: 33 out of 60
Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough – This week, the Bubble Gum Twins danced the rumba. They were elegant and flowing, as usual. Last week, the only thing the judges could use to dress them down was that they apparently had broken the required rules of the dance, but none of those shenanigans happened this week. The ringers were strictly by the book. So the judges took another approach and resorted to nit-picking. Didn’t really seem to hurt their scores all that much. Considering how focused they were on the things they didn’t like, why do the judges then turn around and score them so high?
PERFORMANCE SCORE: 25
TECHNIQUE SCORE: 25
TOTAL: 50 out of 60
Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower – If these two even like each other remotely, it doesn’t show. At least they looked good together in matching black and red, even it did make them look like rich preppy rebels at a high school prom. Jake is super good at whipping his head back and forth and making “tiger face” at the camera. Unfortunately, he stumbled right off his feet just as he passed by the judges table, and their pained reactions were caught on camera. That won’t be good for home votes. Predictably, they were taken to task for sloppiness and for “…not being connected emotionally or physically!” What a shocker! At least Chelsie went back to blond this week, and you have to give credit to Jake for picking it right back up after the stumble.
PERFORMANCE SCORE: 19
TECHNIQUE SCORE: 19
TOTAL: 38 out of 60
Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani – well, it wouldn’t be Kate without complaints about the press unfairly maligning her. And, she was kind enough to also reference her new custody battle. Tony tells Kate if she dances badly this week, that means Jon wins. Huh?
I love how Kate admits she is not strong in either technique or performance. So what exactly are her strengths? Eye shadow and lactating?
That was mean.
It’s not that I want to dislike Kate, it’s that I feel the show wants me to dislike her. They couldn’t paint her any more unfavorably than they do.
And the dance? Yipers! I’m so tempted to be nasty here! But Kate did have some good moments. And the judges found a way to be positive for the first time. Yay for Kate! If she does get voted off tomorrow, at least she’ll go out with some props. And Tony even got some compliments for helping her along. It was very much the “feel good” performance of the night.
And Tony got a good dig in too during the post-interview when Kate couldn’t come up with words to describe how she was feeling. “Wow, Kate Gosselin speechless… this is awesome!” Did you see the rest of the cast break up behind them? Priceless.
PERFORMANCE SCORE: 18
TECHNIQUE SCORE: 14
TOTAL: 32 out of 60
Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke – Chad is excited to show off his hips this week. I won’t put up much of an argument.
Chad claims, “somehow I haven’t found it yet.” Here, I might put up an argument.
Cheryl says that sometimes she feels like Chad is dragging her around a football field. There’s a lack of romance and tenderness in his moves.
I think I agree with Cheryl. She looks seductive and smooth. Chad looks like he’s trying, but like I said last week, he’s too damn tall for her. They look like they enjoy one another, but they just don’t look like a couple. I want to like Chad more than I do (his falling backwards into a feather bed at the end didn’t hurt), but even though the judges called it his best dance so far, I don’t see anything new.
PERFORMANCE SCORE: 23
TECHNIQUE SCORE: 21
TOTAL: 44 out of 60
Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood – Len warned Pamela not to make it “too raunchy” this week. Pamela confesses to wanting to expose her vulnerability with this week’s rumba.
You know, you have to give Pam some respect for lasting as long as she has and looking as good as she still does. She’s so much more interesting single than she is married. Anyone else agree?
And the dance was hot… yet again. She just knows how to work her body. It was sultry, but a little simple… over before I thought it should have been.
Len: “understated… it had a sophistication… perhaps a little bit over-dressed, but great dance”
Bruno: “Pamela Anderson can do refinement and elegance and still be drop-dead sexy. Technically, the best dance you’ve ever done.”
Carrie Ann: “…something very profound happening.”
PERFORMANCE SCORE: 24
TECHNIQUE SCORE: 23
TOTAL: 47 out of 60
I won’t say I told ya so off the top of this post, but maybe my mojo is back in gear.
Top score: Evan and Anna, once again.
Bottom score: Kate and Tony
Who’s going home? I said it last week, and I’ll stick with it this week… Aiden and Edyta. Maybe Niecy and Louis?
What do you think? Did Kate redeem herself tonight? Are you as excited to see Sade perform tomorrow night as I am? Are you strangely excited at the notion of seeing Tom Bergeron get murdered on Monday night’s Castle? I’d love to hear from ya!