Watching: Dancing with the Stars – March 29, 2010

Even though Tom Bergeron declared over and over again that that this season’s competitors really “upped their game” this week, I sure as hell saw no evidence of it. Tonight’s episode suffered from a serious lack of ambition. I can dress up like a greaser, twirl in circles and wave my hands around too! But no one gives me a big disco ball trophy. Generally, people just openly mock me and ask me if I need my insulin.

The highlight of tonight’s show was Facebook messaging with my sister during the whole show. If you don’t have anything nice to say, come hang out with the Green family! Plus… we have gin fizzes every Easter.

Sister’s comments are included below, and while I don’t think she’d mind my using her name, I’ll refrain until I get something in writing.

Shannen Doherty and Mark Ballas – I guess I’m in the minority but I’ve always liked Shannen Doherty. It could be because I’ve never actually had to work with her. Apparently, that’s where the problems arise. And not to diminish the fact that her father has been ill, but I did roll my eyes last week when she claimed she decided to do the show for her dad. There’s only one reason anyone does this show: exposure.

Shannen and Mark executed a couple of low kicks and swung their fingers around in the air like they were chaperones at a 50′s-themed high school birthday party. At the end of the performance, she broke from Mark and went over to give her dad a hug. I love my dad, too, and it’s clear Shannen’s dad is getting a real thrill watching his daughter work so hard and then performng live every week. If I was gonna cast votes, I’d definitely throw some Shannen’s way. SCORE: 20

Sister says: “I’m not a fan.”

Aiden Turner and Edyta Sliwinska – Aiden is absoultely the last person on the show you want to clock in the FACE!

Are you listening, Edyta… because you went ahead and face-brained him TWICE during your dance. You didn’t seem particularly genuine in your apology either. Aiden’s dancing isn’t even worth mentioning. But I tell you this, if that Edyta hits him in the face again next week, I’m going to start a campaign to have her crated and shipped back to Poland. SCORE: 19

Sister says: “OK… he sucks. he is so uncomfortable looking.”

 

Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya The judges liked him a hell of a lot more than I did. I didn’t really see a lot of dancing, just a lot of bouncing around like he’s too afraid to stand still because he’s eaten too much Activia. SCORE: 24
Score for Brooke’s awkward cheesecake joke no one got: 0

Sister says: “Do you get a gay vibe or no?? But i have to say he was good.”

 

Niecy Nash & Louis Van Amstel – I’m on her side merely because she didn’t mention having “jiggly parts” this week. SCORE: 21

Sister says: “Well here’s the thing. I dont like her.”

 

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower He’s too good looking. He can’t also be good on the dance floor. It would not be fair to the rest of the male race.

Hey! It’s Hip to Be Square! I think that’s the only Huey Lewis song I ever liked. Well Jake is not too bad – he can definitely shake it ’til I almost can’t take it, except they actually DID moves from Grease (that little shooting mini-guns from your tummy move John Travolta and Olivia-Newton John did when they’re exiting the fun house during “You’re the One That I Want”). LAME. SCORE: 20

Sister says: “I think he wants a tv career.”

 

Buzz Aldrin & Ashly Costa – Break out the moon landing analogies. And here comes wifey Lois to hug and kiss Buzz and make us love him. How could we not vote for him? As for the actual fox trot? It was like well… watching old people dance. He kinda just walks around with his arm out, like he’s presenting the contestants at a Miss Teen Temecula pageant. And a couple times it looked like he went right when he was supposed to go left. “Charming!” proclaims Tom Bergeron. EX-TEND-ED APPLAUSE (that won’t last much longer). “Tender,” says Carrie Anne, “and I like the silver tie!” My dad dances better than Buzz does.

SCORE: Holy caterpillars! They only got a 12!

Sister says: “Dad dances better than he does.” (told ya!)

 

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough You know whoever is partnered with Derek is going to be good. He and Maks are clearly very popular and the producers want to keep him on as long as possible, so they give him the Pussycat Doll. It’s almost not even fair that she’s in this. Up until now, it’s been like watching a baby awkwardly taking its first two steps and then falling face-forward into the dishwasher. She’s a thousand times better than anyone who’s come before. How could Len be critical of her and give Buzz Aldrin a complete pass? SCORE:28 See you next week, Derek!

Sister says: “well she dances for a living……”

 

Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy – The anemic song the producers paired this dance with didn’t help (SIDEBAR – I only learned tonight that the dancers have NO CONTROL over the songs that are performed when they dance…. hmmmmm). Whoever’s performing this song missed more notes than they hit! A bore from start to finish. Bruno said Erin’s taking to dance like a duck takes to water. Funny… when I watched her, a duck is exactly what I was thinking of, too!

Damn that Maks can move though. Love him… but I don’t think he likes Erin anymore than I do. SCORE: 24

Sister says: “She’s a whiner.”

 

Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood – The Marilyn Monroe thing is not very original, and Damian Whitewood must be the size of a dust mite. I liked Pam last week… blindingly hot, so I guess a change of pace is a good move (Carrie-Anne agreed with me). Pam went for the elegant and lush tonight, and she did not disappoint. Great Tom Bergeron line… “I don’t know what the judges are gonna say, but a bus load of Kennedys just pulled up.” Awesome! SCORE: 22

Sister says: “…always on her back!”

 

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke – Holy cow! Who ordered the tall drink of milk? These two are adorable together and I haven’t even seem them dance yet.

Oh dear… I just saw them dance.

SCORE: 16

Sister says: “Pretty bad. Oh look… but he is saddddd. Vote for him. I dont want to see him sad.”

 

Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani – What is Kate wearing? It looks like a bathing suit pregnant women wear to the beach! (I’m looking for that “just right” picture and will add it soon). And that’s the best thing I can say about this mess. You could actually SEE her counting while she danced! OH SNAP! Bruno told her she needs to get some acting lessons. Carrie-Anne commended her for getting through the number. I thought that was the worst compliment of the night until she followed it up with “I love how you just kept bouncing when you didn’t know what to do.” HA! SCORE: 15

Sister says: “This is the worst one yet! She is sooooooooooooo horrible. I want to see that again. It was so bad it was good!”

Tags: Aiden Turner, Buzz Aldrin, Dancing with the Stars, Derek Hough, Kate Gosselin, Pamela Anderson, Shannen Doherty, Tom Bergeron