Crab Puffs Have a Hater

Are you the person who hates crab puffs? Because apparently there is only one of you.

I wanted to seek your kind out to uncover what you could possibly have against them, so I searched the web with the key phrase, “hate crab puffs” and it turns out there isn’t an army of you, strong and growing with each passing day. You’re just this one person with a Tumblr blog and one of those (sorry…) irritating “101 Useless Things About Me” entries. I know… lots of people have them, and you could argue that anyone who has a blog is essentially writing on and on about themselves in simply a different format. To be honest, I think the “Here’s a bunch of stuff you don’t need to know about me” is the one ego-driven application on Facebook I have not tried. Maybe I am being too hard on you, you anonymous crab puff-hating individual who has unfortunately chosen to also have music auto-play at slightly too high of a volume once their page fully loads.

I love crab puffs. MG loves crab puffs. I won’t say how many of them he ate the night I made them, but I will say that he consumed approximately 66 percent of what came out of the oven. My sister loves crab puffs. When I mention to anyone that I made crab puffs, their eyes go wide, or they lick their lips, or they rub their tummies in an exaggerated manner the way my music teacher Miss Lightfoot always did whenever someone brought up ice cream sandwiches.

But, Silvermagic-dot-tumblr-dot-com, you are adamant in your dislike of crab puffs. True, it’s number forty-five on your list, so I’m not sure how strongly you feel about it, but you felt strongly enough to mention it. So what are you all about?

1. Facebook notifications make me happy, hahas. Unless they’re stupid ads, then ewww.
Hey, I’ve only reached number one and already we can agree on something. I like Facebook notifications too. And I don’t really mind the ads. One thing does annoy me though, and that’s “status baiters.” You know the ones who post things like, “…is wondering how he will get through the rest of this painful month, “ or “…is praying for Eddie,” or “well, it’s the end of an era for me!”

These people are just screaming for others to ask them all about themselves, and usually they succeed. “What’s wrong?” or “I wish I could be there with you right now” are some of the typical comments that appear from suckers who swallowed the bait. I’m always tempted to comment something along the lines of, “Eddie got what he deserved. He’s a real ass-panda, that guy!” but I never do.

4. I hate being ignored. So if I feel ignored, I tend to make a big deal over it, and ignore that person back for at least a week. Yeah, that’s one of the bad things about my temper.
I’m beginning to think you understand “status baiters” more than I originally realized.
Have you ever written “…now knows what total loneliness feels like. Thanks a lot, Bernie!”?

8. I am missing one quarter from my collection. I think it’s an Arizona.
It’s so important that you make it number 8, but then you’re not even sure which state it is? Come on. You went to the trouble to collect the other 49, so clearly this was a real pursuit for you at some point in your lifetime. You can’t just walk away now! If you tell me where you live, I will stand outside your house with a ghetto blaster playing Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush’s “Dont Give Up” or maybe “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips.

20. The only time I don’t wear my eyeglasses are when I wash my face, when I take a shower, when I sleep, and other special circumstances.
Do you wear your glasses when you walk into a room that has both a mirror and fluorescent lighting? If you do, you shouldn’t unless you want to see what you would look like as a corpse.

By the way, you may not realize this, but no one keeps on their glasses while they’re showering, face washing or sleeping. And why do you consider those special circumstances? “Oh wait. I know this sounds weird and all, but when I wash my face I take my glasses off. Yes, you heard right. Please don’t question me about this… just understand that there are special circumstances and accept me for who I am.”

22. I like to be different, so I dislike copycats or kiss-ups or wannabes.
It should be pointed out here that you are doing a “101 Things About Me” Quiz.

29. I try to be nice to everyone, but sometimes I think I’m being taken advantage of.
You’re going to end up with a moderately successful career in show business.

43. I used to have a bad habit of bragging, but now I don’t even bother.
Please refer to the comment on item #22.

45. I love crabs. But I hate crab puffs.

Get these things:

  • 1 cup PLUS 1 tablespoon water
  • 1/2 cup butter
  • 1 tablespoon ground mustard
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
  • 1/8 teaspoon hot pepper sauce
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour
  • 4 eggs
  • 2 cups shredded cheese (about 8 ounces)
  • 1 can (6 ounces) crabmeat, drained and flaked. If there’s any cartilage, it should be removed

Do this to them:

In a large saucepan, blend the water, butter, mustard, cumin, salt and hot pepper sauce to a boil. the original recipe called for a teaspoon of ground cumin, but I thought its flavor come through too strong, so I halved it above. Once you’re boiling, add all the flour and stir until it turns into a solid mass. Let it stand for at least five minutes.

Add one egg at a time, and beat in fully after added. Continue beating until smooth and shiny. Add in the cheese and the crab.

Drop rounded teaspoonfuls about 2 inches apart on a greased baking sheet. Bake at 400 degrees for 23-26 minutes or until golden brown. The smell of your kitchen will lift you off the ground. Best served right out of the oven. DO NOT REFRIGERATE.

65. My favorite hotel is the Hong Kong Harbor Plaza Metropolis.
Say, that gal’s got some real class.

76. I don’t like speaking Mandarin with people.

86. Sometimes I think it’s not good to have everything you’ve always wanted, because you’re only going to feel a temporary satisfaction, but you’re not going to be content.
Oh, you definitely need to work in show business!

101. I am done with my second 101 things about me!
It’s your second!!! You mean there are, in total, 202 useless things about you floating around in cyberspace? Listen here Silvermagic-dot-tumblr-dot-com, I’m beginning to think you just haven’t taken the time to try a crab puff. Close up your admin window, cook these cheesy babies up and throw them back with a vodka martini. I promise, the vicious sting of that elusive Arizona quarter will melt away before you know it!

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