Time to Play… “DIY Network or Gay Porn?”

Between gay porn and the DIY Network, there are very few differences. Obviously, a little more clothing… the bedrooms feature something beyond a bed and a mirrored closet… occasionally a hydrangea or a woman is accidentally featured… and also no one’s new in town, exhausted from apartment hunting all day and in need of a really really good massage.

But I think that’s about it.

MG and I watched an hour of DIY the other night.  First up, it was Desperate Landscapes hosted by Jason Cameron, whose has clearly had two Korean melons implanted into his upper arms.

Like all good gay porn stars, Jason wears t-shirts that are too tight, seems to be ignorant of his good looks and hunky build, grunts a lot, bends over a lot, and sometimes does both at the same time.  I’m not quite sure what his credentials are in the home-repair world, but there sure seems to be a lot of shirtless modeling shots of him on the web.

Next up was Blog Cabin which featured a guest appearance by Kitchen Impossible’s Marc Bartolomeo. Mark likes to jut his chin out at you but also give you a great big smile at the same time, conveying a non-threatening and approachable cockiness.  Marc also likes to rest his body weight on one leg, set his hands on his waist and rock his hips back and forth so his tool belt swings.

Marc curiously also seems to have a lot of pics swirling around the internet, which are not quite as innocent and wholesome as Jason’s. Google him yourself if you have an interest, and make sure you enter his first name with both a “c” at the end, and with a “k” so as to miss anything. I also tried it with a “ck,” “kc,” “kkc” “ccc,” “kh” “ch,” and then went back and tried them all again with the addition of a” silent e.”  Unfortunately, it didn’t produce any additional results.

Oh, these shows also feature a team of about 10-15 other guys who actually do the landscaping, painting, grouting, brick laying and varnishing, but this is a home improvement channel and they don’t mousse their hair, so who wants to see them? There’s also most often a useless married couple who live in the house and do nothing but get in the way, a little less so with the wives, who always seem to be the first to volunteer when Marc or Jason need someone to get down on their knees and help irrigate the herb garden.

Why would anyone ever turn this channel off? Never in my life have I so patiently sat through a series of commercials for Tru-Value, Home Depot and the Little Dutch Boy.

Then there’s the dialogue… and yes, someone IS WRITING the words that are coming out of the mouths of these super-dudes. It’s no mistake that every other line sounds like the suggestive come-on that precedes the “bonk bonk chicka chicka”  in a Falcon video, or something Judy Garland might let leak out her mouth in a guttural growl between “Swanee” and “Come Rain or Shine.”

Maybe it won’t be long before SNL or Comedy Central puts together a skit called “DIY or Gay Porn?” but for now, get on your game face and feel free to play along with TV Food and Drink. Fifteen lines below – Some are Marc, Jason and company on DIY.  The rest are straight out of gay porn. See how many you got right after the jump.

• “Alright guys… let’s unload!”
• “Oh yeah, it’s gonna be a hot one today.”
• “You need to sign for this and make sure it’s up to your standards.”
• “I’m calling about the status of my bed.”
• “Let’s just start taking it off and see what we’ve got.”
• “My dad likes to put it there, but I’m not a fan.”
• “Take it easy… it’s a slow grower.”
• “Maybe we can give it our seal of approval.  We always guarantee our product.”
• “Oh my god.  I’ve never done this before!”
• Looks like we’re gonna need a fast-acting stripper.”
• “I’ll do just about anything you want me to.”
• “Well doesn’t that just fit like a dream.”
• “Roll it around and then rub it around with your fingers.”
• “Screwing isn’t hard.  You just need to put your head down and focus.”
• “Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Oh yeah!”
  

And the answers…

 
• “Alright guys… let’s unload!” (DIY – Jason and company just showing up for work)
• “Oh yeah, it’s gonna be a hot one today.” (DIY – Jason)
• “You need to sign for this and make sure it’s up to your standards.” (GAY PORN – two delivery guys dropping off the new mattress)
• “I’m calling about the status of my bed.” (GAY PORN – you figure it out)
• “Let’s just start taking it off and see what we’ve got.” (DIY – The stupid couple Jason is stuck with this week has ugly carpeting on the porch)
• “My dad likes to put it there, but I’m not a fan.” (DIY – the American flag on the porch)
• “Take it easy… it’s a slow grower.” (DIY – Jason’s advice on a particularly reluctant shrub)
• “Maybe we can give it our seal of approval.  We always guarantee our product.” (GAY PORN – same delivery guys as above after recipient of said mattress admits he doesn’t know how to try the mattress out on his own)
• “Oh my god.  I’ve never done this before!” (GAY)
• Looks like we’re gonna need a fast-acting stripper.” (DIY)
• “I’ll do just about anything you want me to.” (DIY – this is the FIRST thing Marc says on Blog Cabin .  I again direct you to the pics on the web.  He ain’t kidding, folks.)
• “Well doesn’t that just fit like a dream.” (DIY – Marc after just about anything that fits like a dream)
• “Roll it around and then rub it around with your fingers.” (DIY – Marc.  I would explain what they were doing, but I couldn’t follow it)
• “Screwing isn’t hard.  You just need to put your head down and focus.” (DIY – come on!)
• “Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!  Oh yeah!” (I made this one up – DIY or GAY PORN – everyone needs a freebie)

 

How did YOU do?

Tags: DIY, Jason Cameron, Marc Bartolomeo