Season Pass: Modern Family (ABC)

Modern Family is not really all that modern. In fact, it’s very much like my family. Everyone thinks they know better than everyone else. Everyone gossips about everyone else, but never believes for a second anyone gossips about them. And most importantly, when it really matters, all pettiness and ego are put aside, and love and concern are overwhelmingly expressed for all… with the exception of the one pre-pubescent snotty-nose tween every family has – the one who isn’t old to enough to have any drama of their own, so they just go around snidely commenting about the drama of others and generally ruining everyone’s day.  Thankfully, in the first episode of Modern Family, that character gets shot with a gun.

The irritating tween in question is Alex, and she’s played by an actress named Ariel Winter, who is no doubt praying Modern Family runs at least three seasons so she’s given the opportunity to grow herself out of the dowdy flat hair and Rachel Maddow eyewear the producers have saddled around her yet-to-ripen little head. Alex is accidentally shot in the arm with a plastic beebee at the hands of her younger brother, Luke, a moppet with rampant Medusa hair who is still naive enough to repeatedly jam his head between the bannister rails because he’s sure that this time he’ll be able to pull it back out.

Luke and Alex’s antics are much more believable than their parents, Phil and Claire (Ty Burrell and Julie Bowen), who debate over when in their harried parental schedules they can find time to shoot Luke back as punishment for the crime against his sister. I’m sure many parents have thought about shooing their kids, but I don’t think many would actually go so far as to point a gun of any kind at their own offspring.

Meanwhile, Claire’s hyper-tense brother Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and his portly life partner, Cameron (Eric Songstreet) are returning home from Vietnam with their newly-adopted infant, Lily. Mitchell is thrilled at the doting attention the other plane passengers give little Lily, until Cameron takes seat next to them and everyone realizes they’re a gay couple, at which point all eyes immediately dart back to safety video. This is completely unreasonable, because the truth is, in this day and age no one, but NO ONE is happy to see a baby on a plane, EVER… especially one flying all the way back from Vietnam to the United States. NO ONE would acknowledge it, certainly NO ONE would coo at it, and EVERYONE would hold their breath and pray that its parents had the foresight and brains to bathe its little gums in brandy and scrape a Sominex across the roof of its mouth.

Cameron secretly organizes a dinner party that night with Mitchell’s family in order to force Mitchell into admitting to them they’ve adopted a child, something Mitchell has avoided in order to sidestep the inevitable criticism he himself isn’t ready to face. Mitchell is also the less-nurturing of the two daddies, cringing at the painted wall cherubs baring the faces of he and Cameron over Lily’s crib, and looking to eliminate any friends with names that are a little too gay-sounding. Cameron takes all of this in stride, and only ever becomes flustered when referring to his own recent weight gain, which he blames on the adoption.

Cameron: “I’ve gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby… but apparently your body does a nesting thing… where it retains nutrients… some sort of molecular phisiology thing, but that’s science. You can’t fight it.”

UNCOMFORTABLE BEAT

Mitchell: “I’m not saying anything”
Cameron: “You’re saying EVERYthing.

Priceless and horribly awkward all at once.

There’s a great collection of characters in Modern Family, and they’re all served by the show’s Office mockumentary style. But my favorite character – by far – is little 11 year-old Manny (Rico Rodriguez), son of sultry South American milf, Gloria (Sofia Vergara), newly married to the much-older Jay (Ed O-Neill), who in turn is father to Claire and Mitchell.



Little Manny is a pie-faced romantic who longs for the heart of a 16 year-old girl working at the “Foto Fun” booth at the local mall. We may not all have kids, we may not all be married. But in one way or another, haven’t we all been little Manny? When he demands Jay and Gloria drive him to the mall so he can proclaim his love for her, Jay (and we) see exactly how it will end. Perhaps Gloria does as well, but she backs her little boy whole-heartedly and defends his right to love passionately (“he’s a bullfighter!”).

And after the 16 year-old shoots him down, little Manny waddles back to his mother and stepfather who witnessed the whole thing, and woefully delivers what now has to be beaten for funniest line on any show this season…

“I gave her my heart… and she gave me a picture of me dressed as an old-time sheriff.”

I hope the writers keep taking Manny down Heartbreak Lane. His absolute commitment to obtaining what his heart wants will make him a national hero and probably land him his own line of Valentine’s Day cards come February!

Tags: ABC, Ariel Winter, Ariel Winter Lawsuit, Ariel Winter mom abuse allegations, Ariel Winter mother, Ariel Winter's mom accused of abusing 'Modern Family' star, Ed O'Neill, Eric Stonestreet, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Julie Bowen, Modern Family, Nolan Gould, Reid Ewing, Rico Rodriguez, Sarah Hyland, Sofia Vergara, Ty Burrell