The Bachelor 16-4: January 23, 2012 – Your Top Tweets

Mild retardation goes widely undiagnosed amongst moderately attractive people. #Bachelor

Get Glue needs to offer a “No matter what anyone else says, I’ll keep watching this season of #Bachelor” sticker

Settling down with the bride to watch stupid women cry over some bloke they don’t know #bachelor @chrisbharrison #qualityentertainment

#Bachelor I’m already more attracted to Park City than any actual person on this show

#bachelor – again, these chicks are so crazy, they make Coupon Suzy look like good marriage material

#bachelor = chicks getting drunk and saying nasty things about each other. In the real world it’s called “girls night”

This mountain air is doing wonders for Ben’s greasy hair. #boringben #bachelor

“I think Ben will be happy when I say something to him.” – Someone who’s about to make a big mistake. #Bachelor

Is “fashion sales rep” the same as “annoying girl who forcibly sprays you with cologne when you’re walking through Macy’s to get to the food court?” #Bachelor

When the highlight of the date is “that’s a beaver dam,” it’s time to see what arrived from Netflix  #bachelor”

Read All of the Top Tweets from Tonight’s Park City Episode of “The Bachelor”

Your Sunday Sinatra: “Quiet Nights of Quiet Stars” – Frank Sinatra and Antonio Carlos Jobim

“I who was lost and lonely… believing love was only… a bitter tragic joke, have found with you, the meaning of existence, oh my love”

“Corcovado” (known in English as “Quiet Nights of Quiet Stars”) was written by Anotnio Carlos Jobim and had been recorded in the early sixties by both Sergio Mendes and Miles Davis before becoming an international success when a version included on 1964′s landmark bossa nova album Gilberto/Getz , with lyrics by Gene Lees and vocals by Astrud Gilberto.  The Gilberto version is below.  Sinatra’s 1967 version from the bossa nova album Francis Albert Sinatra & Antonio Carlos Jobim  follows after the jump.

Hear Frank Sinatra’s “Quiet Nights of Quiet Stars”

The Kitchen is Broken! The Top 10 Tv Food and Drink for 2012

Tv Food and Drink’s Central Nervous System has gone into the shop for graphics card repairs. We should be back at full power in time for the 1/23/12 episode of The Bachelor. Until then, please feel free to wander down memory lane with my top 10 articles of 2012 (so far), including Bachelor, Celebrity Apprentice, Dancing with the Stars, cookies, arsonists, hot dogs, pizza and Sarah Michelle Gellar’s visit to Alcoholics Anonymous!

1.) Bachelor 16-1 Recap: Winemaker Ben “Sloppylocks” Flajnik Seeks SWF to Help Squeeze His Grapes

2.) Nacho Dogs

3.) Celebrity Apprentice: Are you becoming more and more curious to see what Lil John looks like without those stupid glasses?

4.) Watching: Ringer: Pilot (The CW)

5.) Five Things I Learned From the Hollywood Arsonist OR “Cornmeal Thyme Cookies”

6.) Tv Food and Drink: Podcast #1 Featuring Sammy Davis Jr, Ann-Margret and Frank Sinatra

7.) Chipotle Chicken and Apple Pizza

8.) Dancing with the Stars: Nancy Grace Nipple Slip Twitter-Cap

9.) The Bachelor 15-5: Brad Womack and the Two We Know Are Gonna Be in the Finals

10.) Portobello Buffalo Burgers

The Bachelor 16-2: January 9, 2012 – Your Top Tweets

I play a fun #Bachelor drinking game. I watch the show and I drink wine whenever I feel like it.

How do these girls talk about being in love after 1 day? Ive been married 2 my husband for 4yrs & I’m still on the fence about him #bachelor

#bachelor… Run Ben Run!

My son just came in & wanted to see if #PBS #Nova Egypt’s Golden Empire or Fabric of the Cosmos are on tonight. But I’m watching #Bachelor.

if that slut girl with the bad earrings doesn’t get kicked off next week I’m going to be pissed. #bachelor

The insanity of this show can only be matched by size 6 Jennifer Hudson singing while accompanied by size 16 Jennifer Hudson #Bachelor

Ben hugs beautiful women like we hug that creepy uncle at Thanksgiving. #boringben #bachelor
Click Here for the rest of the Top Tweets from tonight’s Sonoma Play Adventure

Your Sunday Sinatra: “In The Wee Small Hours of the Morning”

“When your lonely heart has learned its lesson… You’d be his if only he’d call… In the wee small hours of the morning… That’s the time you miss him most of all”

Listen to “In The Wee Small Hours of the Morning” by Frank Sinatra here

Five Things I Learned From the Hollywood Arsonist OR “Cornmeal Thyme Cookies”

Don’t be fooled by the two ingredients in the name, these babies cook up with a sweet, buttery flavor and just a hint of cornbread goodness. This is the perfect cookie to ween you off the daily sugar showers you took through the month of December.

Last weekend, a crazed arsonist terrorized the streets of Hollywood, igniting over 50 fires all over town in the span of three nights, and causing over 2 million dollars in damage.

Here are five things I learned from the experience, followed by a recipe for cookies.

1.) I probably am not the person to contact in case of emergency, especially if I don’t know you.

MG called me at 4 in the morning last Saturday to tell me he’d woken to the sounds of his neighbors screaming “Fire!” He looked out his bedroom window and saw the carport of the apartment building next to him engulfed in flames.

“Okay, what do you want me to do?” I asked — not in a snotty way, but because I actually did not know what I was supposed to do!  Thankfully, he didn’t know what I was supposed to do either.  Then there was about five seconds of awkward silence, like when you run out of pieces for your new IKEA credenza but there’s still a page and a half of assembly instructions left to go.  Finally, I managed to come up with, “You need to get out of there!”  Boy, the Red Cross really needs to put me on the payroll, don’t they?  My split-second thinking would be an asset to any life-threatening crisis.  Did MG actually need to hear this from me?  Was he sitting there thinking, “Aw really?  I was planning to just go back to bed.  The fire is like twenty feet away, and if I can’t jump twenty feet, will a fire really be able to?”

Despite what the stickers on the elevator wall ask of me, I do not stay calm in a crisis.  When I first heard the phone ring, I immediately panicked, the way one does when they hear the words, “I think we should run additional tests,” or “Now we’re going to go around and all say something interesting about ourselves.”    Before I even picked up the phone I had the thought, “Please please please don’t be a number I recognize,” because at least then I’d be off the hook.  If someone I actually know is calling me in the middle of the night, it’s probably going to require a level of cool-headedness I’ve never had to muster before.  No one ever calls you in the middle of the night with good news.  Even if your sister went into the delivery room and instead of giving birth to one baby, as the doctor had predicted, she gave birth to nine babies and a Cuisinart hand blender, everyone knows you wait until sunrise to spread the good word and invite people to omelettes.

If someone I don’t know is calling me at 4 am, while it’s true they may be in the process of getting mugged, going down in a plane, or choking on a chicken bone, what’s also true is that thankfully, it’s not my problem.  That’s why you should always make sure you’re dialing a phone correctly, especially if it’s the middle of the night and your life is in jeopardy. Grandma may hop into her Yugo and speed over to your house with a pamphlet on the Heimlich Maneuver, but once I get my six pillows into their proper sleepy-time configuration, if you call me by mistake, you’re pretty much fucked.

Continue reading “Five Things I Learned From the Hollywood Arsonist OR “Cornmeal Thyme Cookies”” »

Chipotle Chicken and Apple Pizza

Pizza with apples is both surprisingly tasty and also a daring “rule breaker,” like when you were a kid and made a sandwich out of wheat bread and Fritos and it brought you closer to God.

I’m a crazy Christmas whore.  At least that’s what you might label me if you were a mean person.  And even if you did, I’d be okay with that.  I’m no stranger to being called names, you know.  In fact, regularly in elementary school, mean kids would scratch out the R’s in both my first and last name on my lunch bag, then turn the “N” into a “K,” transforming me from Gary Green into “Gay Geek.”  Once this happened the first time and scored riotous laughs all across the dodgeball circle, they continued with a frequency rivaled only by the amount of times they’d wipe their noses on their sleeves.   And they didn’t stop there.  They also called me “Gary Green Bean” “Gary Green Eggs and Ham,” “Gary Gary the Human Fairy,” and my personal favorite, “Faggot!”

Kids really can be cruel, but if I was pressed to admit it, I really don’t see much of a difference between “Faggot” and “Crazy Christmas Whore,” so in this particular case the kids I went to school with were less cruel than they were right on the money.  Even as a full grown man it would be hard for me to argue it, as just today I was sharing with friends at Pinkberry how I had been dieting for a week so I’d look good for the premiere of The Bachelor. Meanwhile in my head, I was silently booking thirty minutes later in the day to stand in front of the mirror and see what I’d look like with my hair parted on the left instead of the right.  Let’s be honest… a Crazy Christmas Whore is just a Faggot who’s out of season.

I’m almost positive I’m a giant grump outside the month of December. For the rest of the year if you took a shot at reading the sentiment I was presenting on my face, you’d come up with only three options: “I’m not interested in hearing more from you,” “Why the hell would we do that?” or, “Well well well, look who thinks she’s God’s gift to Starbucks.”

Of course, I’ve never gone so far as to ask anyone if I’m coming off as tyrannical and disagreeable as I think, though sometimes MG calls me out for being unpleasant when we’re somewhere in public.  If I’m pretty sure he’s going to pick up the check, I agree with him.  We Gay Geeks are always thinking ahead like that.

But I’m most definitely someone you want to know in December.  I might even say hello to you before you can do it to me.  And if I’ve managed to get in at least a good eight hours of sleep the night before, it’s possible I’ll allow you to tell me what you think is currently interesting about your life and the lives of those with whom you interact.  And If I managed to squeeze in a few episodes of Dallas on DVD on top of getting those eight hours of sleep, I could go so far as to advise you to have a “nice rest of your day” while I give you a bold “I’m not afraid to physically connect” graze across your shoulder.  Yep, in December I’m a real cuddle bug.
Continue reading “Chipotle Chicken and Apple Pizza” »

Bachelor 16-1 Recap: Winemaker Ben “Sloppylocks” Flajnik Seeks SWF to Help Squeeze His Grapes

Was Ben Flajnik really the best choice for this season’s Bachelor?  On the one hand, he certainly deserves a second shot after having his heart crushed by Ashley on last season’s Bachelorette.  On the other hand, the guy demonstrates about as much charisma and passion as that old Ace of Base T-shirt we all have hanging up in our closet and refuse to throw away just in case we have to paint the garage one day.

There’s really not that much to say about old Ben, though he should at least be given some props for refusing to give up on that Sloppylocks hairstyle.  Clearly, the man let his subscription to Variety expire or else he would have known that the The Prince of Persia flopped at the box office.  Apparently ABC is planning on getting a lot of mileage out of mild-mannered Ben’s reaction shots to the 25 cray-crays who make up this season’s Crab Shack roomies.

So without further delay… let’s meet the ladies.  Which ones suffer from body dysmorphic disorder?  Who’s most likely to be the first to yack into the jacuzzi?  Who spells their name with a “double e” when a “y” would be perfectly acceptable?

And what’s with Grandma?

All your questions are about to be answered.

Continue reading “Bachelor 16-1 Recap: Winemaker Ben “Sloppylocks” Flajnik Seeks SWF to Help Squeeze His Grapes” »