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    4 Hours of 007
    From Goldfinger to Quantum... Music to Save the World By!
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    Find Your NEW FAVORITE RECIPES
    Pics and Pitfalls Straight from the Tv Food and Drink Kitchens!
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    COOKIES
    Make new friends, influence your superiors and manipulate underlings!!
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    COCKTAILS
    A Night of debauchery, unwinding, or eliminating your feelings. Whatever works.
TV Food and Drink

The 2014 Academy Awards – Your Top Tweets. #Oscars #Oscars 2014

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Ellen’s celeb selfie crashed #Twitter.  This is what happens when gays are allowed to marry.  #Oscars

Tweeting pics of yourself at the Elton John party DURING the #Oscars just tells everyone you aren’t big enough to get invited TO the Oscars

Everyone is so unfunny and grim on Twitter tonight, then I realized I was on the 12 Years a Slave feed. #oscar #oscars2014

Oh dear. Tyson Beckford is not one for chit chat. Maybe don’t make him a red carpet correspondent. #Oscars2014

The glitz! The glamour! The chicks who can’t walk in heels! It’s the #Oscars2014

No matter how famous and successful he gets, I will never EVER be certain I’m spelling McConnaughey correctly #Oscars2014

Someone get the hook. Tyson Beckford snuck out in front of the camera again. #Oscars2014 #notgivingup

Is Tyson Beckford auditioning for a Zoolander sequel? #Oscars

Is Tyson Beckford auditioning for a part on “Almost Human”? #Oscars2014

As the women try to keep their hair dry, McConnaughey is just trying to keep his weed dry. #Oscars2014 #oscar

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Judging by the outfit, not only is Ellen hosting but I think someone’s gonna get the keys to the chocolate factory at night’s end. #oscars

Why is Ellen dressed like Pinocchio? #oscars

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Keep it short Anne Hathaway. We’re still on the fence about u. #oscars

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And the #Oscar goes to… JESUS! #Oscars

Jared Leto has rad hair, an Oscar and knows McConaughey. Meanwhile I have dark facial spots, a Jesus candle and my mailman calls me “weird guy” #Oscars

My boyfriend has requested I stop making him ask me who I’m wearing (FYI it’s a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt). #Oscar

Ya’ll… Harrison Ford missed rehearsal #oscars

Yep lets give Channing Tatum the really hard foreign names to say, because he’s the smartest! #oscars

If ur gonna make me watch Channing Tatum say “Zana Abdul Nanno” he should at least be in a bikini brief. #oscars

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It was not fair for Matthew McConnaughey to get Kim Novak stoned just before they went on stage. #oscars

Does anyone know if Kim Novak has a cigarette? #oscars

The way Kim Novak has no idea what “Magic Mike” actually is but goes on praising it. That’s acting, kids. #oscars

–>READ MORE< --

GreenBerry TreeHouse Cookies

As it has been pouring rain outside for the last two days (the first real storm to hit Los Angeles since we moved into the treehouse), I decided to commemorate the event and the explosion of green we’re nearly instantaneously getting in the yard as the plants and flowers drink to their health and present us with a pre-spring preview bloom.

This is pretty much a standard cooking with a little food coloring added for some Saturday jazz.  I happened to have on hand walnuts, pecans, white and dark chocolate chips, so in they all went.

Michael and I have barricaded ourselves into the TreeHouse and we’re not coming out until the rain stops pounding or Monday morning rolls around.  So if you want a cookie, slip into your swimsuit, throw on your water wings and dog paddle your way up the river of mud and rocks that has become our street. We’ll leave you some in the mailbox.


–>READ MORE and GET THE RECIPE< --

Watching Amazon Pilot Season: “The After”

Welcome to internet television, where there… are… no… rules!  At least that’s what we’re told. But usually internet tv shows boil down more or less to the same conventions we see everywhere else, except people say “fuck” way more.  That was certainly the case with The After.  Chris Carter was really going for a record with this one!  Add up all the movies starring Harvey Keitel ever made and you still don’t hear the word “fuck” as much as you do in the fifty-five minutes this supernatural apocalyptic thriller took to unfold.

The heroine of The After is Gigi, a sexy French girl we first think is an assassin but actually turns out to be an actress merely preparing to audition for the role of an assassin.  Because it’s always important to reference modern technology in an internet pilot to keep the kids interested, she FaceTimes with her sexy husband and adorable little girl who mumbles incoherently and toddles back and forth in a way I suppose parents who have kids find adorable, but that lead my mind to drift to more important issues like “What ever happened to Shields and Yarnell?” and “Why do my fingers smell like roast beef?”

Bad news, people: Gigi doesn’t get the part.  Even worse news: the audition was in Century City, which is basically a single street with big buildings sandwiched between Beverly Hills and the Westfield Shopping Mall and can apparently be rented out super-cheap because it’s subbed in as “important big city business hub” on every tv show since Knots Landing was still on the air.

Next thing you know, Gigi finds herself trapped in an elevator with a diverse group of strangers with varying ethnic backgrounds and mysterious pasts, including a Latina cop, a white middle aged dowager with a cane, an Irish loud-mouth brute (“We’re goona have tah take the fookin’ starwell!”), and a pudgy birthday clown.  The maximum capacity of the elevator did not allow for an emotionally-brittle Korean or a mean-faced Middle Easterner who regrets his past, so we’ll have to wait on them til we get a series pick-up.

In the span of about five seconds, everyone in the jammed elevator goes into red-alert panic, which I can tell you from first hand experience is not believable because once I got stuck in an elevator with Emmy-winning actress Tyne Daly while we were both on our way up to Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks, and instead of freaking out we sat down on the floor and played Uno until Guapo the security guard came and freed us with his special elevator key.

The gang eventually makes it into a locked parking structure, where they encounter a wrongly accused African American who’s recently escaped from prison, a sexy Southern “gal on the go,” and Adrian Pasdar, who has yet to be hired for a role where he doesn’t have to wear a dress shirt and an Armani two-button dress vest. For the next ten minutes, they all spend so long arguing and yelling at each other about what their next move should be that I honestly thought this show was going to be about a group of people having to re-populate the Earth from inside an underground West L.A.-adjacent parking structure (My boyfriend said that he’d be willing to have sex with the clown). –>READ MORE< --

Tv Food and Photo – February 11, 2014

Gary: “Damn. There’s nothing worse than missing your avocado window.”
Michael: “Preach.”

Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics: Opening Ceremonies – Your Top Tweets


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Damn you #WinterOlympics – Everyone is so bundled I can’t tell who’s a scruffy hot guy and who’s a lesbian!

I wonder if Sarah Palin is watching the #OpeningCeremony from her backyard #Russia #WinterOlympics

Will live-tweeting about an event that ended 8 hours ago punch a hole in the space-time continuum? #WinterOlympics #OpeningCeremony

If 007 doesn’t parachute out a plane with Putin, these ceremonies are a bust. #WinterOlympics #ParadeOfNations

If it weren’t for the #WinterOlympics and the #SuperBowI, kids wouldn’t know what Roman numerals were!

If they put Putin on that old game show “Make Me Laugh” he’d hella clean up! #WinterOlypmics

Every Olympics sneaks in one fake country. This year it’s “NillaWafer!”

Russia wins gold in pounding vodka #WinterOlympics

All the (male) American Olympians look like the bad guys in high school underdog movies. #WinterOlympics #Biff #Chet

Do those little dancing marshmallows have to hop around through the entire parade of nations? #WinterOlympics

Argentina has no snow. They just came for international sex. #WinterOlympics

Well Ireland looks a little drab, but luckily they brought Judy Jetson with them to jazz it up. #WinterOlympics

I’ll forgive Russia for their intolerance if they forgive us for the endless Jimmy Fallon commercials. #WinterOlympics

“Great Britain is believed to be the birthplace of curling… but we can’t be sure cuz none of them will cop to it” Matt Lauer #WinterOlympics

We are red, we are white, we are Danish dy-no-mite #WinterOlympics

Only in the #WinterOlympics can you be 43 years old and qualify for an event. Congrats, one dude from Venezuela!

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Oh dear… Germany looks like a tribe of marching everlasting gobstoppers #WinterOlympics


The guy announcing the countries sounds like the guy who announces the performances on #DancingWithTheStars #WinterOlympics

There are more people on my sofa than there are athletes representing Zimbabwe. #WinterOlympics

All my life, the #WinterOlympics have been closely linked with pizza. This is but one small reason why I have yet to qualify for an event.

My favorite tweet tonight about the opening ceremonies: “It’s crazy how people live all over the world!” #WinterOlympics

If you’re a Winter Olympian, you can compete in like 13 #WinterOlympics in a row and win gold in all of ‘em

#WinterOlympics tweets aren’t as funny as #Bachelorette tweets

Those dancing marshmallow people look like they’re starting to run outta steam. #WinterOlympics

Matt Lauer’s commentary is not great. Next time let’s let Siri do it. #WinterOlympics

I feel so lame… these athletes work so hard and I’m debating whether or not to get off the couch and buy tickets to the #LegoMovie #WinterOlympics

Only during the opening ceremonies would your feed include the tweet, “OMG Poland is sooooo adorable!” #WinterOlympics

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Oh USA those sweaters… It’s like someone raided the Palin closet #WinterOlympics

That USA sweater is gonna be a hot fashion item, and then it will be tomorrow. #WinterOlympics

Yipers someone tell USA that ugly sweater parties are only for Christmas time. #WinterOlympics

Hey I didn’t know Team USA had their sweaters designed by my nana. #WinterOlympics

#WinterOlympics US wins the first gold in the new ugly sweater competition. #WinterOlympics

What the fuck are we wearing? We suck. #WinterOlympics

READ MORE

Strawberry Balsamic Pie and Super Bowl Sunday


I don’t want to watch football
I don’t want to watch puppies
I don’t want to watch ex-jocks in suits
I don’t want to watch stop motion beer bottles run down a field
I don’t want to watch chicks in lingerie
I’m not into Bruno Mars
This day has nothing for me

Do you feel the same way?
Do you like pie?

Wanna come over?

GET THE RECIPE HERE

Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” – January 27, 2014: #YourTopTweets #Bachelor

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Juan Pablo I would just like to say I visually enjoy you #Bachelor

Does every season of this show HAVE to have a girl with a lazy eye? #Bachelor

How is “Dog Lover” a profession? #bachelor

If I say “Donut Eater” is a profession, can I give up the law and just eat Krispy Kremes all day? #Bachelor

Unfortunately we could only clear songs in the public domain so they all did Karaoke to “Stars and Stripes Forever” #Bachelor

What do I need to do to get a ‘Sharleen is not impressed’ meme going? #bachelor

Idk how I feel about sharleen.. #Bachelor

charlene needs to go #bachelor

I hate Sharleeen #Bachelor

Sharleen says she doesn’t want children. Juan Pablo has a child. So naturally he gives her the rose. #Bachelor

Sharleen: Yes, I love children. They’re delicious! #Bachelor

READ THE REST OF TONIGHT’S TOP TWEETS

Salted Caramel Apple Pie

You will never be happy with a straight-up old school apple pie after you power down a few slices of this Salted Caramel Apple Pie from Four & Twenty Blackbirds.

I didn’t know that a pie could lift you completely out of a mild January depression and make you so happy that you put on your yellow and purple boxer briefs just to entertain your boyfriend by dancing up and down the hall doing your best impression of a Laker Girl.  Yet, there I was, gyrating in front of the linen closet with my arm behind my head, flapping back and forth doing “the sprinkler.”

For real.  This is a pie you make only for people you truly love.

GET THE RECIPE HERE

January 24 is National Peanut Butter Day!

As it’s Friday, I’m sure many of you already had plans to tear home from work, drop yourselves down onto the couch and eat an entire jar of peanut butter with your index finger while watching Shark Tank. Well, this week you don’t have to experience any of that pesky Catholic guilt over it because it’s National Peanut Butter Day!

Here are my Tv Food and Drink’s top five peanut butter recipes. I suggest you NOT MISS the recipe for Peanut Butter and Jelly Bars after the jump. One bite are you will be re-born.

Peanut Butter Cup Blondies – Found at Bake or Break

  • 1 & 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/3 cup creamy peanut butter
  • 1/4 cup butter, melted and slightly cooled
  • 2 tablespoons milk
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 2 large eggs, lightly beaten
  • 1/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips
  • 0.75 ounces peanut butter cups (about 4 regular size) chopped

Preheat oven to 350°. Coat a 9-inch square baking pan lightly with cooking spray.

Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.

In a separate bowl, combine peanut butter, melted butter, milk, vanilla extract, and eggs. Stir well.

Add peanut butter mixture to flour mixture, stirring until combined. Stir in chocolate chips.

Transfer batter into baking pan. Arrange the peanut butter cups over the batter.

Bake for 19 minutes, or until a wooden pick inserted into the center comes out with moist crumbs. Cool in pan on wire rack.
CLICK HERE FOR FOUR MORE PEANUT BUTTER RECIPES

January 23 is National Pie Day!

I don’t know about you, but January 23rd is about my least favorite day of the year. About as far away from Christmas and as deep into the deep, winter doldrums as we can get. Oh, and by the way, it’s still an exhausting nine months until my birthday.  Thank heaven for The National Pie Council and whatever high-ranking government palms they had to grease to have today officially declared “National Pie Day!”

In honor of this day of reflection, celebrating all that the pie has given our nation, I give you my FIVE FAVORITE PIE RECIPES also known as the ONLY FIVE PIE RECIPES I KNOW! But don’t let that fool you. They’re all terrific, and well worth the day off of work. Wait.. you didn’t report to work today on accident, did you? It’s National Pie Day, you know! Didn’t you notice the lack of traffic on the freeways?

And don’t go in to work tomorrow either. That’s National Peanut Butter Day! No, I’m not kidding.

Click HERE for MY FIVE FAVORITE PIE RECIPES

Pervert Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” Recap: January 20, 2014 – #Bachelor


Why do we always want the drunken basket case to get the ax on The Bachelor? We always regret it later. Last week, we said goodbye to Victoria, that crapulous cross-eyed wipeout from Boca Raton. True, she probably wouldn’t be much of a role-model for Cah-mee-yah, except when it came to teaching the little darling how to pass out on a bus. But without Victoria and that bag she was half in, what are we left with? That’s right… girls who drink responsibly. And they never do anything interesting. Think about it… how often have you heard someone start a story about a wild weekend with, “Oh my god we got sooooo conservatively tipsy!”?

But that’s where we stand this week. And now 12 girls are gone. That means 15 are left, but 6 of them have problem skin, so we know they’re out. And no girl who wears little flowers on top her head gets anywhere in life, so the clock is ticking on Hippie Chick. And when has anyone ever said, “I’m rooting for the opera singer!” and not been laughed out of the room? Yep, this season can end one way, and one way only. There’s gonna be one happy Professional Dog Lover with a big ring from Neil Lane on her hand very soon! READ MORE

Black Bottom Lemon Pie

I went to cuddle with Michael last night in bed and grabbed him too tightly around the stomach. “Oh baby!” he groaned. “Be careful. I’m all filled up with pizza and pie!”

That was no lie. Earlier in the day as I was rolling out the butter crust and simmering the chocolate ganache, a jauntier (and lighter) Michael held up a shiny sheet of coupons from an Italian joint we’d never heard of called “Pepe’s.”

“Maybe we should use one of these coupons and order a pizza tonight!” he suggested brightly. When I didn’t answer immediately, he turned sheepish and added, “…or tomorrow night.”

I didn’t know my delay in responding while I patched a crack in the dough would throw the whole scenario into jeopardy. “No!” I quickly threw in. “Let’s do it tonight! We haven’t ordered a pizza since…”

I stopped. I had to think about it. When was the last time we had ordered a pizza?

“…two nights ago.”

I keep hearing the way I eat is gonna catch up to me someday. People continue warning that I’ll end up weighing a thousand pounds. “It’ll happen before you know it,” adds my mother, “and it’s not like when you’re twenty. Once it gets on, it’s impossible to get it the hell off.”

As I was breaking down the empty “Pepe’s” pizza box later that night, piling it into the recycle bin on top the empty “Big Papa’s” pizza box from earlier in the week, I thought all this over. Maybe I’ll wake up one morning and my waistline will have gone from a 32 to a 47 overnight. And maybe someday my fat cells will expand like an army of over-filled waterbeds. Maybe they’ll have to bury me in a Union Pacific boxcar.

But here and now… it’s just not happening.

In fact, at my last doctor’s visit, he said I was in phenomenal shape for a man my age! True, it was the optometrist, but he has terrific instincts about these things.

So if you ever come over to the GreenBerry TreeHouse and you see me eating a sliced red apple on a piece of melba toast, or a big spinach salad with raisins, or a bowl of non-fat yogurt covered in blueberries and wheat germ, don’t be fooled. It only means one of two things: either the pie isn’t out of the oven yet, or Michael’s all out of coupons.

Now for the mother-fucking pie! GET THE RECIPE FOR BLACK BOTTOM LEMON PIE HERE

Super Bowl Sunday Food: Baked Potato Skins


The King of Comfort Foods! Here’s how to make potato skins that put last year’s Super Bowl snacks to shame.

There’s a secret about how to make potato wedges no one ever tells you. Yes, cheese, sour cream, bacon and green onions don’t hurt, but the real secret to wham-bam, kick you in the face potato skins isn’t what you put in them… it’s what you put on them

GET THE RECIPE HERE

Super Bowl Sunday Food: Zesty Italian BBQ Meatballs


Damn good. GET THE RECIPE HERE!

Pervert Juan Pablo Galavis: “The Bachelor” Recap: January 13, 2014 – #Bachelor

It’s not enough anymore to show weepy chicks in bikinis running around drunk and hysterical on The Bachelor.  I was watching humiliated Victoria stampede through the cocktail party in tears, struggling to keep herself upright as she screamed at producers and demanded to go home, and all I could think was, “Man, she better fall down some stairs or run through a big pane of glass or something!”

I have to be honest.  For just a moment, I was rooting for it.  This is what I have come to.  Watching an undernourished human soul get crushed to a fine powder on national television is no longer enough to stimulate me. I must now also have some Shemp. READ MORE –>

The 2014 Golden Globe Awards – Your Top Tweets #GoldenGlobes

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i bet #GoldenGlobes would make great bongs.

I bet Bono has better cocaine than anyone else at the show. #GoldenGlobes

If I could win an award while drinking a martini and making out with Bono with my shoes off, my life would be made. #GoldenGlobes

 

Justice for the flawless Amy Poehler! #GoldenGlobes

What I’ve learned watching #GoldenGlobes2014 – I need to say “my team” more.

Well there’s Bono… still trying to make that look work. #goldenglobes. Read More –>

The 2014 Golden Globe Awards #RedCarpet Pre-Show – Your Top Tweets #GoldenGlobes

A pregnant Kerry Washington is a flawless Kerry Washington. #GoldenGlobes

People are live tweeting the #GoldenGlobes red carpet?  Does that mean I can live tweet the gopher digging up my plants in the yard?

If you’re looking for Joan and Melissa Rivers, E! has them interviewing tourists and undergrads hanging out at Starbucks on Highland this year.  #GoldenGlobes #sorry

I don’t understand why my mother keeps asking, “Did they show Christine Lahti yet?” #GoldenGlobes Read More –>

Baked Chicken Meatballs – Dinner is Served: January 11, 2014

Baked Chicken Meatballs
From Smitten Kitchen

  • 3 slices Italian bread, torn into small bits (1 cup)
  • 1/3 cup milk
  • 3 ounces sliced pancetta, finely chopped (Smitten recommends Canadian bacon as a subsitute.  I went with Danish from the Farmer’s Market)
  • 1 small onion, finely chopped
  • 1 small garlic clove, minced
  • 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided
  • 1 large egg
  • 1 pound ground chicken
  • 2 tablespoons tomato paste, divided
  • 3 tablespoons finely chopped flat-leaf parsley

Get the Recipe Here

Super Bowl Sunday Food: Jalapeno Popper Mac and Cheese


It’s not going to win any awards for keeping your arteries shiny and clear, and it may cause your eyes to spontaneously cross every few bites, but it is deadly satisfying in the way really bad Catholic sins are satisfying.

Get the recipe here

Super Bowl Sunday Food: Hummus


What is tahini?  What’s the difference between chickpeas and garbanzo beans? Here’s everything you ever wanted to know about how to make hummus at home (but were afraid to ask).

Get the recipe here.

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